Serenity

author's note

Dear readers,

I write this with a heavy heart days after hearing the news of Liam Payne's passing. There are moments where I forget, but then one of One Direction's songs comes on shuffle and reality sinks back in.

I never thought I'd be writing this today. If anything, it would be years from now when I was old enough to tell my grandkids about the British boy band that helped me through the low points of my teen years. It wouldn't have been until the One Direction boys were old and grey, still acting like the fools they were, just like they sang in 'Act My Age.'

It's hard to say what kind of emotions I'm feeling. People say that grieving isn't linear and I agree—it's not. There are still days where I can't get over the fact that my beloved grandmother isn't on this Earth with me anymore. But I didn't expect my emotions to be this intense for someone I never personally met. Sometimes, I laugh, like when a clip of Liam's character, Leeroy, popped up on my Instagram feed. Other times, I cry, like when I was doing my makeup this morning and 'Don't Forget Where You Belong' came on through my speakers.

I know some may not understand (and honestly, I don't fully understand it myself), but losing Liam feels like losing a piece of myself—a piece of my innocence. Hearing this devastating news has taken me back to a time when I was carefree, unafraid to be the most authentic version of myself. With Liam gone, it's as if that version of me has vanished too.

I hate to think about it, I really do. Because in a way, I can relate to his pain. I can understand the feeling of losing oneself and using unhealthy ways to cope. I hate to admit it, but I still fall back on those same unhealthy ways to cope. I don't like thinking about how much time has passed and how much this world has been changing. I want to live in those moments again when I was carefree and happy. I wish I would have been more present. I wish I didn't constantly worry about the future. Because the future is this: Liam Payne is gone.

To all One Direction fans around the world, I hope you're holding up. This loss hits us all differently, but we share a bond that connects us through Liam and the rest of the boys. Although Liam had many recent struggles, we all know the kindred spirit he used to be—the one who made us smile with his playful antics, the one who gave us confidence through his music, and the one who, despite his own hardships, always found a way to lift others up. We all remember the Liam who was full of energy and laughter, always making sure we knew how much we meant to him as fans. And though that spirit seemed to fade in recent years, it never truly left—it was just hidden beneath the weight of everything he was carrying.

In honor of Liam, I've decided to officially bring back Serenity (even if it is a Harry Styles fanfiction). This story is originally written by my 17-year-old self so it will undergo some revisions before I release any more official updates. I feel like I owe it to myself—and as a tribute to Liam—to reconnect with the person I used to be. I want to give her the love that she deserves.

As Harry would say, treat people with kindness. You never know what someone is going through. And never, ever, forget to tell people you love them.

Rest in paradise, Liam.
1993—2024

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
Published: October 18, 2024
Revised: October 24, 2024