To My Dearest Roseanne

Chapter 12

"I know what you are!"

Roseanne tackled her doppelgänger with the impetus of her body. Both of them fell on the staircase and the contents of the bags: vegetables, fruits, eggs, buttermilk, toiletries, and batteries spilled across the tiny space separating adjacent apartments on the same floor.

Panting and overflowing with earth-shattering rage Roseanne was now atop of the victim. Numerous layers of hanbok were outspread on all sides like the wings of a phoenix. The defenceless stranger with the face of hers attempted self-defence, trying to scratch Roseanne's face, but the nails were just too short to serve as a weapon.

"What are you doing to me? WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO ME, HUH?!"

Roseanne was shocked at this demonstration of self-preservation instinct and slapped the helpless oddity.

"Dowajuseyo! Help me! MURDER! MURDER!" the doppelgänger started screaming.

Oh, look at that. She talks! Roseanne thought.

"I know what you are!" Roseanne screamed. "You're just a figment of imagination conjured up by my underslept brain. I will bitch-slap you so hard, you'll end up on the dark side of the moon. And then I will wake up! And then I will go get Mom! So the wickedness of this messed-up world could finally piss off and leave me alone!"

The moment Roseanne was about to raise her hand, she was interrupted by a scream upstairs.

"BEGONE! THINGS OF EVIL!"

Roseanne and her victim looked up at the landing at the top of the stairs. The girl immediately recognised her neighbour, Mr Buttcracker. That was his real name: Mr Buttcracker, a 70-year-old religious fanatic who refused to die and reply "Good morning" to Roseanne. The neighbour was holding a large crucifix, pointing it like Van Helsing in a fight against vampires.

"O God, who, for so many centuries, has granted to the Land of Po the splendour of might and glory..." Mr Buttcracker started chanting a medieval song.

Roseanne switched her attention to a new target and clenched her fists.

"KNOCK OFF THE BULLSHIT, YOU OLD FAT ZOMBIE! WHERE IS YOUR GOD WHEN MY MOM SUFFERS? I'LL KILL YA! I SWEAR TO YOUR GOD, I'LL SKIN YOU ALIVE AND KILL YA! YOU HEAR ME, CHURCH BITCH?!"

With the agility of a tiger, Roseanne jumped across the steps dividing her and the neighbour. She got hold of the crucifix and smashed it against the old man's head. The piece of wood broke into pieces, and the neighbour began running away.

"OH NO YOU WON'T! YOUR PRECIOUS GOD WON'T SAVE YOU FROM THIS!"

Roseanne grabbed Mr Buttcracker by the collar of a dress and ripped the whole thing as if it were an ad poster. Now, the half-naked man tried to frantically shut the door of his apartment.

"I'M NOT FINISHED!"

The girl tried to force her way in and give the annoying neighbour a good, solid punch in the face, but all the locks clicked at the same time, and Roseanne had no way of entry.

"OPEN UP, CANDY CROSS SUCKER! I SWEAR IF YOU CALL THE COPS ON ME, YOUR SUGAR MOMMA-NUNS'LL BE SCRAPING PIECES OF YOU FROM THE WALLS. YOU HEARD ME?!"

Having made her threat, Roseanne took a step back and, blinded by raw fury, rammed her head into the closed door.

She passed out within seconds.