Arrowhead

Chapter 6

I was dressed and ready. But I wasn't prepared for what was ahead of me. My father had told me to stay in my room all day until the evening and not make any public royal appearances.

He had locked my room and told me if I tried to escape there would be trouble.
I was trapped.

Taking one look at myself, i started trembled . I felt like a giant poofy marshmallow. Suddenly I couldn't feel my legs or see my feet. My eyes had blurred my vision to the point where my surroundings looked like they were underwater. My heart was racing so fast I thought it would explode in my chest and shatter into a million pieces. The beat slipping away from me, quickening in time for me to feel faint. My breathing became erratic, and my head started thumping. Tears started to fog my eyes. I couldn't cry. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak all I could do was struggle. I could no longer hear the kingdom outside of my window, instead all I could hear was blurred static and high-pitched ringing. I tried to feel my surroundings and slid down my wall with my knees to my chest and my feet numb. My necklace was getting even tighter than before, and the ceiling seemed lower. I felt like I was suffocating. The walls started to close in on me. I couldn't stop the gasps that escaped me, a desperate scream for air crying from my lungs. This was it; it was all over; I was going to die.

It was about 2 minutes in, when, In between my shaky breathes I could hear a voice, a man's voice. It was my brother Nicholas. "Alara? Are you in there? I need to talk to you." I didn't answer, I couldn't answer. I let out a few sobs.

"oh my god Alara, Are you ok?". "huh huh huh nick is that..uh..uh.. you?" I replied hardly able to get my words out and by this point I was on the floor shaking uncontrollably. "yes sis it's me I'm coming in, ok?" "...hu... o..k" I replied shakily. It was a second of silence when suddenly Nicholas had burst into my room breaking down the door into a pile of mere firewood and rushing to my side on the floor holding me up and stroking my hair. He rocked me back and forth whispering comforting affirmations in my ear for a little while. I started to get my breathing back." Breathe Alara take some deep breaths, everything will be ok. Inhale, exhale" he told me while i tried to match my breathing to those last 2 words while he was rocking me gently. This was my brother. The one person who had been there for me my whole life and then ignored me for the past 8 to 16 weeks. And now he was here for me again. He held my hand and after a few minutes of attempting to regulate my heartbeat and breathing, the walls were starting to open up again and my vision was no longer as blurry.
"Shhh...Shhh...shh it will all be ok" "it's all ok Shhh" Nicholas whispered into my ear as he held me close, making sure I didn't start to panic again or cry.

30 minutes later, I was sat on the floor hugging Nicholas when he suddenly spoke, "Alara?".
" Hhmm" I hummed into his shoulder between sniffles.
" I'm sorry sis" Nicholas murmured; he sounded distant, as if he was lost in thought.
"What for?" i ask coming away from his warm embrace of comfort to look at him.
As I looked at his face, I realised he had tears in his eyes. Not quite falling but laying quietly in his eyes.
" For abandoning you, for ignoring you and acting like you meant nothing to me. I just didn't know what to do or say around you or anyone for that matter. I'm so sorry Alara. I should have been here for you. You have been through and are going through so much and all I did was push you away and make you think I didn't love you anymore" he paused lost in thought again. I didn't say anything I just let him speak. From the way he was speaking, it looked like Nicholas had had these things on his mind for a very long time. So, I just put my hand on his leg and looked at him with the most reassuring smile I could muster up after my breakdown.
" I love you Alara, I'm sorry for pushing you away. I don't want to, but I just don't know how to.... be I guess"
i pondered his vague ending and wondered what plagued his thoughts so often.
"Nicky, what's wrong, what's on your mind?"

I looked at him calmly waiting for an answer. He stayed silent. Putting my hand under his chin to tilt it towards me I asked him again. "Nicky?" he finally turned to look at me. "What's wrong, you can tell me, I'm your sister, you can tell me anything, I won't judge, I promise".
A single tear rolled down his cheek as he looked me straight in the eyes and spoke the one sentence that I never thought I would hear from my brother's mouth.

"I think I'm Gay"
He broke into sobs immediately.

I was frozen. I didn't know what to do or say for that matter. I was stunned and I kept going over the words he said repeatedly in my head. What was I supposed to think? What does that mean for our family? What would father think? How could he never tell me? I'm his sister.
my little brother was gay. And he had been suffering. I couldn't believe it, my heart had stopped in that moment, along with my breath. He liked boys. Men. He was homosexual.
But the question remained playing on a loop in my head.
Why wouldn't he trust me? I wouldn't tell anyone.

But that does explain why I found him in the library with that scandalous catalogue and why he hid from me in his bedroom and was acting so cold to me all the time, how he hardly ever made eye contact with me and hid away in his room all the time and why he enjoyed the tailoring session so much. It all makes sense.
He was 'figuring things out'.

After 30 seconds of mentally freaking out. I realised I still hadn't said a word, and I was sat on the floor with my brother who had now pulled away from me in tears, in arms reach, sat sobbing uncontrollably with his knees drawn to his chest and his face buried into his hands. I didn't know how to respond. But I knew 1 thing. He was hurting. So, I came out of my confused trance and took him into my arms in a warm embrace. One that would make him feel loved and cared for. Like I used to hug him when we were little, and he was upset.

He immediately hugged me back sobbing into the crook of my neck shaking with fear, relieve and anxiety. "I'm sorry Alara" "I'm so sorry"
i pulled him back to look at me as I looked him in the eyes and said, "Nicky its ok everything will be ok" "I'm not mad at you its ok".

He returned my gaze and all I could see when our eyes met each other was pain and fear.
"d-d-do you h-hate m-me now?" he asked with small stutters in between each word while holding back more sobs.

I was hurt at the thought of it. "What! God no Nicky, I could never hate you".
He smiled and I saw his eyes fill with relief. But i could still see pain.
"Nicky? Why didn't you tell me? Did you not trust me or something? or want me to know? I'm your sister I should know these things"

He looked hurt and regretful and spoke softly" I w-wasn't sure what you were going to say. I wasn't sure if you would hate me or accept me. I never meant to push you away but i didn't want you to find out yet. And i trust you of course but I wasn't sure if you would tell father"
"he would kick me out and disown me Alara you know he would. I-I- I'm not allowed to like boys. But I do" he sobbed uncontrollably at this point.
"Do you still love me?" I ask starting to cry myself.
"Do you still love me?" He replies making me realise how much he was afraid to tell me.

"Of course I do!" I pull him back into the hug again.
" I love you too" he answers.

After about 10 mins of just hugging, talking and just getting to know each other again by recalling some of our funniest and happiest memories, He started to slowly smile more and I realised that I didn't care what Nicky was, I just wanted my baby brother back.
" Nicky? I don't care if your gay, trans or whatever. I love you with all my heart and I support you, 1000%. And I'm so so so sorry that you felt you couldn't tell me. I will always be here for you Nicky. Always."

He looked me straight in the eyes and started to cry again. But this time his beautiful blue grey eyes were full of love, relief and acceptance. There was another moment of silence before he pulled away and said, "I better go clean up and get ready". "Ok that's fine" I say as he stands us both up and gives me one last hug. "Sis?"

"Yes?"

"I believe in you, don't listen to father, if you don't want to marry some arrogant stuck up little Blueblood, you don't have to. Be you and don't conform to society. I'm right behind you. And this time I won't abandon you I promise".

Hearing my brother say this made my heart pulse with love and acceptance.

"Thank you, I will" I answer with one last smile as he smiles back.

As he walks out of the doorframe, he turns back and says with guilt in his eyes" sorry bout your door". That sentence alone makes me laugh and feel all the previous pressure i had on my shoulders float into thin air.

I turn and look at the pile of door strewn across the room and all i could do was chuckle. Fixing my makeup and tidying my room. I sat on my bed and waited for the event that would cause the rest of my problems.