Life Returns

Page of Memories

By trying hard, We think we can have everything, but love?
Love arrives unexpectedly, sneaking in through the heart via the senses. You’re unaware until you’re completely consumed by it. Even your heartbeat gets captivated. The soul, in search of its mate, becomes intertwined. Something like that happened to me too.

The first time I saw her was during a dull introduction lecture on Quantum Mechanics. She wore a white shirt and blue jeans. A small-faced girl with a sharp nose and chin. She wasn’t perfect—love isn’t perfect either. But I knew then, if we were together, my first and last love story would be perfect.

But now, we live on a page of memories…

I remember looking out of the classroom window at the empty field. The distant trees reminded me of the imperfection in infinity. Then my mind wandered, as it always did, to my one-sided love. I used to do that during boring lectures—everything seemed pointless except her presence. My gaze found her again. She sat there quietly, her eyes sad, as if searching for something. I wanted to ask her what was wrong. But what would I even say?

I wasn’t like everyone else. I couldn’t mix words with ease, couldn’t speak fluently. She was the opposite of me. How could someone like her ever include me in her life? I accepted the reality, but I couldn’t deny my devotion. So, I loved her from afar. Until one day, she spoke to me.

“You were in classical mechanics yesterday?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“Can I borrow your notes? I’ll return them tomorrow.”

I wanted to say something like, “If you want, I’d give you my whole life too.” But all that came out was, “Okay.” I handed her the notebook and left.

For almost two years, it continued like that—exchanging notes. I got used to seeing her friendly, helpful nature, her kindness toward everyone. My attendance skyrocketed. A day without seeing her felt incomplete. I’d heard the saying, “If you love someone, tell them.” But I was terrified that she’d stop talking to me.

My eyes searched for her at every moment, even during class breaks. I guess she noticed.

“Are you looking at me?” she asked one day.
I was caught off guard. “Um, no. I mean, yes, I was.” She smiled, a little embarrassed.
“Did you need something?”
“No, not really. You weren’t here yesterday, and you look tired. I just wanted to check if you were okay.”
“No, I had a bit of a viral fever. How did you notice?”

I wanted to tell her, “I notice everything about you. Your eyes tell me everything.” But the lecturer interrupted, and once again, I cursed my fate.

There was a sadness about her, even in her moments of joy. I could sense it. One day after class, I gathered the courage to ask her.

“Can I ask you something?”
“Yes, of course,” she said.
“It’s personal, maybe I shouldn’t…”
“Just ask. You’re being strange.”
I hesitated. “I’ve noticed you often seem distant, lost in thought. I just want to know if you’re okay.”

She stared at me, and for the first time, I felt like she was hiding tears. I could feel her pain but couldn’t understand the source of it. I wanted to comfort her, to take away her sorrow.

“I’m touched that you care enough to notice,” she said. “Some people can’t see what’s right in front of them.” I loved her even more in that moment. But before I could say anything, her phone rang.

“Yes, Vikas. Please don’t do this. We can work it out. I can’t live without you.”

In that moment, I understood. There was someone else. Someone who was causing her pain, pushing her toward despair. How could anyone do that to such a sweet, simple girl? I felt sorry for her.

“Anuvab, I have to go. I hope you don’t mind.”
“But…” I wanted to say so much more.
“Take care of yourself, Srita.”

That was the last time I saw her. The next day, amid the usual college noise, came the news of her suicide. I couldn’t believe it. The girl I had spoken to just the day before was gone.

I blamed myself. I should have stopped her. I cursed my fate, begging God, “Why her? Why now?” I just wanted to see her one last time, to hold her, to say the words I never could.

But I never got the chance. My love story, left untold, ended there. Tears I couldn’t control poured out. A part of me died that day too. My heart has been cloaked in darkness ever since.