Letters From His Nightmare | SeongJoong OneShot

Letters From His Nightmare

TW!!! SUICIDE MENTIONED!!!

Dear Hongjoong,

I've never asked much in my life and I won't ask for much in this letter.

Just one thing and you'll make me happy, forever.

Just read this letter until the end, please.

I don't wanna talk around it, so I'm just going to spit it out.

I told you I'd get better but to be honest, I don't know if I ever will.

I'm not feeling well and I promise, it's not your fault or anyone else's - don't even think about that, you hear me?

This is my fault, it's my life and my misery. I have to bear with it but honestly?

I can't anymore.

It's too much and I don't know how to cope with it.

The fact that I've spent the last few years of my life yearning after s̶o̶m̶e̶o̶n̶e̶ something that I could never have makes me fall even deeper into this slump.

This world is cruel and I was just trying to survive, trying to keep my head above water in a restless ocean with waves as tall as skyscrapers.

This success isn't what I wanted, this success isn't mine.

It feels foreign, strange.

Like I didn't lift a finger to get where we are.

You can be proud of yourself, Joongie, I am proud of you.

You deserve this spotlight but I..

I deserve the shadows, the downside of this fame.

If I was honest with everyone, I'd never have made it this far with all of you and I would've really tasted the bitter dark side.

Maybe KQ would've thrown me out, perhaps the fans would've sent me death wreaths, and all of you would've hated me.

And to be honest, I'm still scared, even if I probably won't see the outcome.

Still, even now I'm scared of what you'd think of me after I tell you the truth.

I'm just kind of glad you won't be able to tell me directly.

Inhale.

Exhale.

This can't be true.

Hongjoong.

Inhale.

Exhale.

He's not saying what I think he's saying.

This is the first and last time I can and will tell you.

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. Quicker.