How to Not Raise a Predator

Introduction

Raising a predator is my biggest fear. This may sound odd to some, but I have a unique perspective on the matter because, despite the horrors I have experienced, I am more terrified of the idea of raising someone who can cause that kind of pain than anything else. It is not just about surviving what happened to me; it is the thought that I might bring someone into the world who might cause that pain for someone else. That is why I am writing this, sharing my thoughts and experiences, in the hopes that people will realise that you have to be proactive to prevent raising a predator. You can not just hope a child will grow up to be perfect; not only your influence shapes them, but the entire world around them.

When I reflect on the relationships I have, one stands out: my brother. Although we don't talk often unless we're physically together, there's an unspoken bond between us that is incredibly meaningful. He has his inner struggles, ones he usually keeps hidden unless it's just the two of us in an empty house. We argue and fight, sometimes exchanging harsh words, but deep down, we share similar values and perspectives. We might not seem close on the surface, but there's a solid connection beneath it all. I love and trust him completely, and I have no fears that he would harm or degrade a woman. Sure, he's had a rough past with relationships and sometimes speaks negatively about his experiences, but I know those words come from a place of hurt, not malice.

One of his past relationships was especially tough—his ex-girlfriend cheated on him throughout their time together, and it took years for me to learn the full extent of what he went through. Even so, I believe my brother is fundamentally a good person, with strong morals and a good heart—though, admittedly, he can be incredibly lazy. I'm bringing him up here because his values, flawed as he might be, represent a standard I think more people should strive for.He wouldn't claim to be a perfect partner; he's not the type to go above and beyond without some pushing. But he shows up when it truly matters. He's often the first to notice when something is bothering me, asking simply, "Are you okay?" It's not just the words—it's the way he says them, the unspoken understanding between us. Sometimes, I don't even need to respond; he just knows. That kind of awareness and empathy comforts me, even without a deeper conversation.

So why is this important? Because we challenge each other. Now in our twenties, we share many of the same views, much of which stems from our upbringing. Our parents were hardworking and spent a lot of time away, so we grew up shaping each other's perspectives, alongside the influences from our school. Our school was a place of privilege—talks of new cars for 17th birthdays, skiing trips in the Alps or Canada, and complaints about reduced weekly allowances were all normal. I recognise that I benefited from that privilege, surrounded by people who now have six-figure salaries, musical careers, or have even represented England in sports. And yet, here I am, nearing 30, still figuring out who I am and what I want to do with my life. But I'm okay with that; I'm happy just being me, and I think that's a kind of freedom many of my peers never found.

When Brexit happened, a lot of those same schoolmates supported it. These were people who had spent their lives travelling the world, mingling with diverse cultures, and enjoying the perks of a global lifestyle. Yet when it came time to vote, they revealed a deep-seated desire to protect their comfortable bubble, showing that at their core, they were against immigration and change. This realisation hit hard, making me understand that no matter who you grow up with—rich or poor, black or white—the real difference lies in whether people around you are willing to challenge your behaviour. The reality is that many of the people I grew up with were never truly held accountable.

It's essential to pay attention to how we influence those we care about, not just to teach good values but to challenge them to live by those values. We all share the responsibility of shaping the next generation, and it's something we can't afford to overlook.