i love you so • tate mcrae

Chapter Four

A WEEK AFTER MY phone call with Alice, I somehow found myself on an airplane at five o'clock on a Saturday morning heading to my home state. It really was crazy how life could change in the span of one day.

Alice had called me the day after my mini-breakdown and demanded she come live with us, refusing to take no for an answer. We'd struck a deal; she'd move to Los Angeles as long as I flew to her and made the cross-country drive with her.

The one-way ticket had been surprisingly affordable, so if I was being honest, I didn't argue hard against the idea. She was my best friend, and I missed the hell out of her every day.

So there I was, smashed in the middle seat between two armrest hogs, on my flight to Georgia.

Alice would be picking me up from the airport, and we'd be heading straight over to get the moving truck. At that point, we'd load up her boxes as quickly as possible and immediately start the thirty-two hour drive to Los Angeles.

We were planning to drive straight through in order to get back as soon as possible, but we'd pulled so many all-nighters in our lives, I had faith we'd do all right. As long as we took turns, it couldn't be that hard.

I shifted in my seat, fiddling with the "I love mommy" bracelet Connor had made me a few years ago. I wasn't sure what had made me decide to wear it, but as I was packing, I'd suddenly felt the need to bring a piece of him with me.

It'd only been the two of us for so long, I suppose I just needed some reassurance. It felt weird to know I'd be in a different state than my child. I'd never done it before, and it felt wrong somehow, like I'd abandoned him.

In the rational part of my brain, I knew those toxic thoughts weren't accurate. But when you spend years being ridiculed and critiqued for every parenting choice you ever made, it's hard not to join in and judge yourself right along with the haters.

Connor knew I was traveling to Georgia to visit Alice, but he thought I was taking a "girl's vacation." He didn't know she'd be coming back with me, and I couldn't wait to see his face. He'd been in love with her since he could speak.

Back when he was about five years old, Alice had brought her boyfriend at the time over, and Connor had burst into tears because he'd wanted to marry her. I had a feeling she was eagerly waiting to tease him about it.

Declining a drink from the flight attendant, I pulled out a highlighter and one of the three college textbooks I'd managed to squeeze into my carry-on bag. Laying it out across my lowered tray, I prayed I could study without the motion of the plane making me nauseated.

—

"You studied the whole flight?"

"What else was I going to do? Crochet?"

"Sleep, Ven, you were supposed to sleep."

I shrugged. It was so rare for me to get daylight hours to study, and I was already going to miss out on time during our return trip. I felt like it was only logical to take advantage of the flight. I doubt I could've slept in the middle seat anyway. That was just asking to wake up cuddling a stranger's shoulder.

When I'd landed, Alice had been waiting at the airport coffee shop. Dressed in a baggy sweater and leggings, she hadn't noticed me when I first arrived. She'd been hunched over a book with large, square glasses resting on her freckle-dusted nose. Her hair was loose, landing about mid-waist and was an eye-popping, vibrant blue. I might have hugged the ever-loving shit out of her.

Since I hadn't needed to check a suitcase, it didn't take us long to reach the parking garage and cram ourselves into her tiny Miata. I'd landed early afternoon, so as long as there weren't any hiccups with the truck rental or packing up her stuff, we were looking good to put some miles behind us before it got dark.