🪡Threads of fire 🔥

The beginning

Dear god... my life is boring....

I take it back....

What do you live for..?

When I was little I remembered watching the sun melt The popsicle right off the stick in my hands, Life was boring, I remember watching a bunch of kids play around at the park, their smiles, their laughs, I wanted that too, But now when I see a bunch of people smile it makes me sick to my stomach, happy people, make me sick to my stomach, I would prefer if they cried, bled, and were full of fear.

I remember, more later on in life, one day I walked up to these kids asking if I could play with them, how pathetic I was, they rejected me and one of them pushed me onto the ground, all the children started to laugh and point, they turned around and started to walk away, toward their mothers, however for me, instead of crying I got up.... I ran toward the kid, and I punched the shit out of him, knocking him down to the hard ground, I smiled, it warmed my heart in a way, I wanted to continue feeling it, the feeling, of being alive, I wasn't always like this though.... He had hit his head on the ground when he fell, a giant bruise on his cheek, and blood leaking from his head, that beautiful color that made me smile, so pretty I thought,more I thought, I want to see more of that scarlet red, the mother came running towards me, I couldn't hear her screams, the only word I heard was parents.

My parents..? I wonder where those bastards are now...

When I was little like really little all I ever did was try to get attention or any type of affection from my parents, I had not aunts, uncles, my grandparents were dead, both my moms and dads, no cousins, I had no one, my parents barley gave me anything, they gave me a room with a bed, nothing more, they cooked me food I guess forgot that one, when I got a bit older, I did all the chores because of them being too "busy" with work, The only "kindness" they showed me was when they took me to the park once, I had finally bursted and screamed at them so they took me to the park, I could have easily ran into a car they wouldn't care, I know they wish they could have abortion, to them I was probably a waste of money, they probably didn't want to feed me either but they did anyways so no one could complain too much, I had issues because of them, I suffered in my "confinement room" alone with my thoughts, my dark thoughts, my harsh overthinking, but back to that one time I hit a child at a park, the word got around, they said I had "anger problems" how I needed to get treatment at a damn "mental hospital" they also called me a "psychopath" "sadistic" all that stuff, and my favorite one "monster" when my parents finally decided to acknowledge my existence, they came to my "confinement room" and they said to me I should socialize more so I don't go "crazy from loneliness" I almost bursted in laughter, they just didn't want to embarrass their "business friends" with my rumor going around on in town of me punching a kid, they wanted to have a good word on me, and end those rumors quickly, we lived in a small town at the time or whatever, when u arrived at school,  kids beat me up for fun, they pushed me around, they spat in my face and said "I'm in control" this went on for a while, my parents started to pick up the habit of using me as their stress reliever, they only acknowledged my existence when I did something wrong, anyways this started to go for so long I started to drown in the darkness, I started to loose control of myself and knowing that, it pissed me off, so when this went on for another year I finally snapped, if one more person tried to control me I would loose it I promised to myself one night in bed. when I went to school another kid tried to bully me that day, they pushed my food on the ground, they gave me pretty bruises, people laughed and pointed at me, but then I felt my heart just snap, my emotions were no more, My I give a, was gone, me caring about another was gone, and I realized, I finally realized, being kind wasn't going to do anything for me, emotions equaled weakness, if I cried right now they would just be more inspired to beat me up, trusting someone would be like handing someone the knife I once held on tightly and allowed them to be behind my back with that knife, from that day on I knew I was rejected from the world, if the world wanted to reject me... I would reject the world, I started to desire to control others, their story's, their endings.... Either control or be controlled, So I did what any "smart" person would do, I controlled, there was no room for a weak person on this planet, it was fight to survive, it was war with every person ever, I've experienced enough abuse and isolation. When we moved to a new city for their jobs, my parents enrolled me to this new school, and well me? I decided to make my life fun, I started to send children to the hospital on a daily notice, hell even my teachers were scared of me, too scared to even call the cops, and the others, they didn't care, As long as I was getting those "A's" I thrived in chaos, I drenched in the wants and needs to cause and watch Chaos, I loved getting violent, painting the school grounds in scarlet, I was down for some good entertainment, I loved being dominant, I would dream about who I would dominate next in my bed for the next day at school, my parents were barley at the house now I never saw them, heck, what's a parents again? I forgot what this even look like. I cooked my own food, I survived unlike these weak ones, at least I had a free house to live in while they were gone, I'm surprised they didn't sell the house with me included, at least not yet, hah. I wanted to play with peoples lives like they were puppets to be honest, it's the only thing that amused me, manipulating them into things and what not, god it's so much fun, this world is flawed, and people are disposable to be honest, I always struggled to connect with others because of my views on the world, and what not, which ended up just fueling my growing sense of disconnection from this world, I never belonged, so I would make this my world, where I belonged and others did not. People asked me why I didn't have feelings, it's because they are a waste of time, and just weakness. I had found a way to redefine my role by putting myself in a position of ultimate power, and god did it feel so good, turned me on to be honest, hah. This world was inherently brutal, and to be honest, only the so truest or most ruthless like me, had the right to survive, in my world at least, I just love to test others and put them through extreme situations to see who would survive, at least mentally, oddly enough I have killed anyone yet, but I dread on the day I'm given the chance to finally take a life. It will feel so good and I just know it.  Honestly I view myself as the judge of who is worthy of life and happiness, I find quite satisfaction in my ability to determine others fate, like determine wether they can "write" with their hands anymore! I want to be fair though, as a child I even lacked empathy, I never even could understand the meaning of it, hell I still don't, and never will, I've always been seen as an outsider,  but I don't care. To be honest here barley any one is strong, everyone is weak and unworthy of life. I've always been so intelligent, some people would say I was emotionally unstable, but maybe that was them they were thinking of, I had never felt more happy embracing my inner dark heart, it was like being let outside for the first time and feeling alive. I loved it. Still do. The funny part is that besides my "dark" view on the world, my intelligence was also what made other disconnect from me, they were so jealous they made me bleed for it, but guess whose bleeding now, I'll give ya a hint, not me, no one has ever beaten me before, and to be honest they never ever will. I always hear people saying I've gone mad, well I would rather be "mad" than weak.