A Playlist of Tales

3: Still Learning by Halsey

Huimang hated the fact that he had to pretend to be happy when all he wanted to do was curl up on a bed in a random hotel room and cry, without having to worry about anyone and anything.

It had been less than twenty-four hours since he was broken up with. Left with nothing more than “I’m sorry. I just can’t do this, Mang. I’m really trying, but I can’t.”

The fact that she was performing next at the award show he was currently in attendance at did not make anything better.

He wondered if she felt he was an overbearing boyfriend or someone who had an energy she could not keep up with. It wouldn’t be the first time someone would think and say that he was too bubbly. His sunshiney nature was his biggest blessing, but it was sometimes his greatest curse.

He wondered if she was happy without him; if she wanted to cry the same way he did or if she was breathing a bit better now that she had pushed him out of her life.

The other artists, those he had formed close bonds with over the years as an artist (close enough that they knew about his relationship with her) glanced at him occasionally but he kept his eyes on the stage, barely keeping it all together for the sake for the thousands of cameras pointed their way. One slip is all it would take for speculating articles to go round and he was too tired to deal with any of those.

The MCs of the night announced her performance and the cheer was loud, a reoccurring moment when she stepped on stage or stepped into a room. She was a nationwide sweetheart. She had a lot of international fans, too.

Every person present  expected a jaw dropping performance from her as all the tracks she released that year were mind-blowing. Surprisingly, she was raised on stage sitting on a stool and when she smiled, Huimang’s heart broke.

Her smile was fake. He knew that because he was obsessed with her every detail. He wasn’t even sure people realised that she hadn’t slept well because her make-up covered it perfectly. But not him, because he was always going to notice everything. He knew her that well.

Suzy Keith adjusted her microphone and said nothing. When the instrumental began to play, the audience members realised she was singing one of the tracks she wrote but never sang so it went to Halsey instead. Eyes widened and Huimang’s act finally broke.

Suzy raised her head and her eyes met his.  “I should be living the dream, but I’m living with a security team. And that ain’t going to change, no. I got a paranoia in me. And you wouldn’t believe everything that I’ve seen, no. Coming apart at the seams and no one around me knows...”

Her lyrics made Huimang think. He had never been to her house. She always told him she didn’t like the house much but hearing those lyrics from her made him realise there was so much going on that people did not know about. Even him. And it hurt more than anything.

She looked away from him so people wouldn’t raise brows but her gaze kept going his way, letting him know she was singing mainly for him, for him to listen to her speak to him the way she knew how to.

“Who I am, what I’m on, who I’ve hurt, where they’ve gone, I know that I’ve done some wrong, but I’m trying to make it right.” 

Her voice would always be perfect.  “To the one I love, paint me wrong, give me a light now. You know that I love you but I’m still learning, to love myself....I’m still learning to love myself, yeah, yeah~”

A tear slid down Huimang’s cheek and he suddenly hated himself for not knowing that she had been going through so much on her own. It hurt that he actually didn’t know her as well as he thought he did.

“I should be living the dream, but I got home and I got no self-esteem. You think I’m swimming in green but it’s passed around my family tree...”

All the times she told him she didn’t want to take one contract or the other, he had assumed she didn’t like the companies, having absolutely no idea she had been scared that she wouldn’t be good enough; that she wouldn’t do well at all.

“No man wants to really commit. Intimidated ‘cause I get paid and all. In the crowd, they’re reading my lips but no one around me knows: who I am, what I’m on, who I’ve hurt and where they’re gone. I know that I’ve done some wrong, but I’m trying to make it right.”

Her eyes shone with tears and she tried so hard to not choke on a sob as she continued.  “The same mistakes on and on, to all my friends, I’m sorry for. You that I love you, but I’m still learning to love myself, yeah, yeah...I’m still learning to love myself.”

The beat picked up for the bridge and so did her pitch. “Oh, I try and I try, to remember sometimes, if I breathe, it’s alright, but somethings don’t change. I’m still learning, to love myself.”

The beat dropped and her pitch did the same, her eyes locking with Huimang’s once again. “Who I am, what I’m on, who I’ve hurt and where they gone, I know that I’ve done some wrong, but I’m trying to make it right, to the one I love, paint me wrong, give me a light now...”

Through the speakers, her voice echoed. “To the one I love....”

“I’m still learning...To love myself~”

She hit the high note effortlessly and the crowd rose to their feet, cheering. She took the chorus twice and the bridge once before the song ended. She stood from the stool and bowed, her eyes meeting Huimang’s yet one more time before she was lowered. Without thinking twice, Huimang stood from his seat and ran, the other artists and celebrities knowing better than to stop him.
He ran past crew members, shouting out the second he saw her. “Suzy!”

On the ŵ of a major breakdown, she turned around. She barely had the chance to say anything before he pulled her into a bone crushing hug. He tightened his embrace even further, feeling so much at once yet willing to do anything at all to take even a quarter of her pain away. He loved her that much. “I’m so sorry. I should have been more attentive, I’m so sorry.”

Unable to keep her tears at bay any longer, she closed her eyes and cried, knowing her crew and his would keep the cameras away. Other artists that walked by widened their eyes and had to bite back gasps.

They stood for the longest time, the other members of his group meeting them there when it was time for their performance.  Huimang reluctantly pulled back, and he cupped her face in his hands. “I’ll meet you in the dressing room when we’re done, Suzy. Please hang in there.”

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. His lips were on hers seconds later, and the kiss was softly intimate. When he pulled back, her manager led her in the opposite direction, and Huimang watched her go, his heart broken more than it had been earlier that day.