The Hero Business

Count Inferno

Let me tell you about Count Inferno. He's my nemesis. How this happened, I have no fucking clue. In the Hero business, you thwart somebody and they attach themselves to you like a fucking barnacle. Seriously, there's a kind of masochistic streak in these assholes. You slap them down, stick 'em in jail or otherwise fuck up their plans, they can't let it go. In a weird way, it's a warped friendship. You become inseparable.

The Count is not really a 'count'. He's actually an accountant named Andy Drexler in his everyday life. The comet passes and he wakes up with pyro powers. He can concentrate the ambient heat in the air and make things combust or some shit like that. He's tried to explain it to me but I don't really give a shit.

Now, Andy could have kept to himself, used his powers to heat microwave popcorn or warm up the odd homeless dude on a street corner. But no. He's got aspirations. He's tired of being an office drone, invisible. He decides to start lighting up banks, armoured cars and payroll vans. Then he can go back to his office job during the day and giggle in his cubicle about how he's screwing the man and ignore his co-workers as they roll their eyes at what a douche he is on a daily basis.

I first came across him on the first frigid Christmas Eve I saw in the city after coming here from... Ah , I'll tell you about that later. Anyway, I hadn't really decided if I was going to do this Hero thing or not. I was sitting listening to the police band radio and a call came in that a department store was being robbed. The place was two blocks away. As I sat in my apartment, I could hear the sirens. I decided to go and check it out. I wasn't sure what I'd do but I thought 'What the hell?'

So, out of the window, up the fire escape to the roof and then I'm jumping between the buildings. I told you I've got sticky hands and feet right? Amazing right? Not really when it's ass-freezingly cold. Every time I grab a metal railing or a down spout, the skin on my palms and soles gets torn off. Yeah, I regenerate but that doesn't mean it doesn't fucking hurt like a bitch. I can't climb with shoes or gloves on so, constant low-level frostbite it is.

I get to the scene. Perched on the office building across the street , I survey the situation. There're cop cars and a SWAT team in front of the store, guns out and looking pissed and scared which in my opinion is a bad combination. Inside the store, what looks like a sizable fire is underway. A Police Captain with a bullhorn starts in.

"You in the store! We have you surrounded! There's no way out of there. Let go any hostages and come out with your hands up."

There's a moment of tense quiet and then a plate glass window explodes outward. A human figure engulfed in flames skids to a halt on the pavement and burns like a roman candle. General consternation from the cops until they realize, it isn't a hostage. It's a mannequin. Har har! Somebody's a comic.

"The next one will be a real hostage," a voice shouts from inside. "That was just a trial run! Stay back!"

The guy sounds like he's enjoying the attention. I already don't like him. I pull my balaclava down over my face and roll.

I drop down next to the police captain. "Hey, pal. Can I borrow that?" He's too surprised to resist as I take the bullhorn from him. Aiming it at the store I say, "Hey Fuckface! I'm coming in. Get ready to have your ass kicked." I hand the bullhorn back and before any of the cops can stop me, I run and launch myself at the wall of the department store.

Bricks are a lot more forgiving as far as the cold goes. I'm up three floors in fifteen seconds. I'm able to kick in a window and find myself surrounded by lingerie. Not the worse landscape I've been in. I negotiate my way through the Spanx and Wonderbras and find the top of the escalator. It's still running. I'm always kind of depressed when I walk to an escalator and find that it isn't working. Always a let down. One of the sad truths of modern life. Maybe it's because the steps are extra high, I don't fucking know but it's annoying when something that's supposed to make your life easier is just an extra little bit annoying. Fuck it. Why am I wasting your time on this shit?