Grim Fairy Tales
by Mike Tichenor
Once upon a time, there lived in a large metropolis a young maiden known as "Goldey". She was known by such a name because of the gold rings, bracelets, and necklaces she liked to wear. One fine spring day, Goldey went to her mailbox after having eaten her lunch to collect the mail. Having sorted through the various bills and advertisements, she settled into her favorite chair and began to read some literature she had received. It was during a careful perusal of the letter contained therein that she was roused to ire. She at once put pen to check book and wrote out in the full amount of one years dues, a bank draft made payable to "The Animals are People Too" foundation. Her ire only slightly cooled, she next took pen in hand and wrote her congressman and senator; giving them what-for over the disgusting and deplorable condition of the forest creatures within their jurisdiction. Her ire not yet satiated, Goldey reasoned that maybe the electronic air cleaner inside the ducts of her high-rise apartment complex may need cleaning and possibly her allergies were acting up; or maybe she just had too many ires in the fire. No matter - Goldey was determined to help the poor defenseless creatures of the forest, come what may (why May? Because June would be too late!)
After posting her two letters, Goldey took the elevator to the parking garage whereupon she placed the free "Animals-R-People-2" bumper sticker on the rear of her Jaguar XJ7, picked out the keys to the Jag' securely attached to a gold keychain with a fob stating "Be kind to your pet - Spay Today" (presumably because tomorrow would be too late). The powerful engine raced to life and she roared out of the garage leaving behind only a cloud of blue-black smoke and the discarded paper backing from the free bumper sticker. The sleek, black car easily gained access to the express lane that would carry her out of the city and off to the forests where the poor defenseless creatures dwelled. The climate controls were set to "max comfort", the CD player was dialed all the way to "OH Wow", the tilt was down, the cruise was on, and the radar detector on the dash flashed "clean & green". On the way, Goldey passed the battered body of a deer fawn and the bloated carcass of a non-descript raccoon. Goldey swore silently to herself and wished she could have done something to help those unfortunate animals; after all, they have rights too.
Presently, she came to the wide expanses of the great outdoors. She marveled at the beauty of nature awakening from a long winter's nap. These sights were somewhat unfamiliar to her since such things are not often visible in the city except for maybe in the neatly manicured gardens or parks. She soon skidded to a stop in front of a large national park ranger's station. Stepping out of the car, she marched into the station and engaged the ranger on duty in conversation. She announced that she was here to help to the poor defenseless creatures she had read about in the literature that came in the mail and inquired of the park ranger where she might find some of these creatures. The weary-eyed ranger scratched his balding head and allowed that he was unaware of any 'poor' creatures since they had no use for money; and for that matter, the forest creatures were anything but 'defenseless'. When Goldey remained steadfast in her insistence that the animals were indeed in dire straights, the ranger volunteered that there was a family of bears living in a cave on the other side of the park that were a favorite attraction among the other nature viewers and visitors to the park. After getting a free map, a one day parking pass, and directions to the cave where the bears dwelled, Goldey jumped back into the Jag, raced the engine to life and sped towards the other side of the park leaving behind only a cloud of blue-black smoke and the flittering remains of a granola bar wrapper.
Now, the cave was home to three bears. There was a big shaggy bruin known as Papa Bear, the petite and lovely, Mama Bear, and their young cub, Baby Bear. While Goldey was visiting the ranger station, Mama Bear had been busy preparing a fine and delectable evening meal for her family and upon apportioning her fixins to each member of the Bear family, the Bears had decided to take a leisurely stroll among the blackberry bushes before supper.
Having followed the free map, supplemented by directions from the park ranger, Goldey presently came upon the cave of the three bears nestled among the trees in the forest. Seeing no one about, she walked into the cave and came to the table where the evening meal had been set out. Spying the stew Mama Bear had prepared and realizing that the granola bar had done little to sate her hunger, she sat down in the chair belonging to Papa Bear. Finding the chair hard and much too large for her to be seated comfortably, she decided that this would also not be suited for a bear and broke the chair into kindling; whereupon she built a nice fire in the hearth of the bear's cave. She next examined the stew in Papa Bear's bowl and catching sight of large chunks of fresh meat in the stew, she picked all of it out since red meat is bad for you and high in cholesterol. When she tasted the broth, it was too hot for her tender palate. She then moved to the chair of Mama Bear and sat down. This chair was old and creaky and was also not suited for a bear so she broke it into kindling and threw it in with the glowing embers of Papa Bear's chair. Mama Bear's stew also had fresh meat in it, but smaller and more tender; but still not suitable for consumption - being high in cholesterol and what-not. She picked out the meat and tasted the broth that was left. Mama Bear's broth was too cold for Goldey's sensitive palate so she moved to Baby Bear's place. His chair was just right! And there were no meat chunks in his stew! So Goldey sat in Baby Bear's chair and ate all the stew.
The trip from the city and the hearty meal (Mama Bear was a good cook) made Goldey weary and she decided to rest a bit before going about doing more good deeds for the Bears. She made her way toward the back of the cave and came to the bed usually occupied by Papa Bear. She tried to get into it for a quick nap, but found that the bed was both high off the ground and very lumpy. "My work is never done", she thought to herself and broke the bed to kindling and carried it to the fire. "A bear deserves better than this", she said to no one in particular. Moving to Mama Bear's bed, it was very low and had a good deal of bounce to it. Repeating the same steps as before, she broke Mama Bear's bed to kindling and stacked it next to the fire since the fire was quite hot by now. Next she came upon Baby Bear's bed. It was the right height and the right amount of support. It was just right! So Goldey lay down and presently was fast asleep.
Upon returning from their stroll among the blackberry bushes the Bears were alarmed to see so much smoke billowing from the chimney and they quickly ran to the cave. Having gained the entrance to the cave Papa Bear rushed in and was almost overcome by heat. He grabbed a poker from the stand by the hearth and raked the remains of a lot of wood from the roaring blaze. He then noticed that Mama Bear's as well as his own chair were missing. Baby Bear noticed that his stew was no longer in his bowl and began to whimper. Papa Bear was taken aback by this unforeseen invasion of his home and began to check further for signs of the perpetrator. Coming to the sleeping area, Papa immediately missed his bed; and Mama's too! Baby Bear then exclaimed, "There's someone sleeping in my bed!"
Papa Bear rushed to Baby Bear's bed and grabbing Goldey by the wrist, jerked her up and out of the bed then gave her a good wallop up aside of her head. Startled awake by these proceedings, Goldey protested loudly, became smug and indignant, then proceeded to lecture the entire Bear family on how poor and defenseless they were, and how they were living in a state of squalid degradation, and how she was here to help save the Bears. Enraged now, Papa Bear yelled back at Goldey that they were now going to be poor since she had inconsiderately trashed their furniture and ruined their evening meal in a most egregious fashion. He went on, snarling and popping his large white teeth, telling Goldey how he was going to show her just how defenseless they were. Whereupon Papa, Mama, and Baby Bear chased Goldey several times around the cave and finally drove her outside and back to her car. Goldey leaped through the open window, raced the engine to life and sped away as quickly as she could, leaving behind only a cloud of blue-black smoke and some "Animals are People Too" leaflets which were swept away by the gentle breeze that blew through the forest at this time of year.
The next day several park rangers along with a brace of animal control specialists, and an assortment of media personnel surrounded the Bear's cave, tranquilized all three of them, loaded them onto trucks bearing the logo of the big metropolitan zoo and then they all left. That night, Goldey sat in her favorite chair, inside her comfortable apartment complex and watched as the anchor-woman on the evening news described how three dangerous and menacing, "killer" bears had been captured in the big national park and had safely been transported to the big city zoo - film at eleven!!
