My Journey - Being True To Myself

Realisation: Part 2

So i secretly took my grandpa's phone and searched for why am i interested in boys rather than girls, and the answer it gave me that i might be gay. That started a huge cycle of searching who, what, how, why and a couple of Am I Gay Quiz that always came 60-90% gay, unless i intentionally tried to make myself straight.
Then to make myself sure that i am truly gay i watched some gay couples video on grandpa's phone, since he didn't know how to use the internet. When watching these videos i realised that i was so happy watching them and i wanted a boyfriend in my life as well.
But realising that i am gay and accepting that i am gay is two different things. Especially living in a conservative and homophobic country like India, being gay is almost a nightmare. I could not tell anyone what i have discovered about myself, i had so many questions but i knew i could not ask anyone. So just like almost every gay person in India i hid Myself. I hid my true identity.
I remember hearing a conversation between my older sister and my cousin, where she tells my cousin that in her college there is an foreign exchange student who is openly gay. Being a curious cat that i am when i heard the word gay, i immediately started listening to them. She ask my cousin that what exactly are gay people, but the answer that my cousin gave her made me more confused. He said that gay people have unspecified parts that are not same as typical straight people and you could tell a person is gay just by looking at them. After hearing his answer i said to myself, but i have normal body parts as other people and nobody knows that i am gay. So i again started searching on the internet. After a long searching session, i came to know that being gay has nothing to do with unspecified body parts. But it also made me realise the disinformation about gay people among the general public. I wanted to tell them but i didn't because i was scared that they would find out that i am gay.
Living as a gay person in India is a lot more difficult than one can imagine. The only thing you can do to protect yourself is hide your true self deep down and live a life that is so suffocating that it feels like you are drowning and can do nothing about it. Only thing you can do is suffer.
Back in school i made a new friend, since we both were not athletic, we stayed indoors and didn't play as other boys in our school. Everyone teased us by saying that we both looked like girls and we will marry each other. My friend didn't paid any attention to these people because he was straight but while i never liked my friend in that way these trolls did hurt me. While i was hoping to talk to someone about myself these trolls always would bring me to reality that neither i would be understood, nor i would be safe.
Even my own sister would tease me in front of my family about my friendship with a boy who is a introvert just like me. She would say they are both gay and he would stay together with him always. While she didn't know who i am, and if she knew i know she would never say these things. But sometimes i still wonder if i tell her that i am gay would she accept me. And it's so frustrating that I don't know what would happen that day.