MAYBE FOR THE BETTER

(CHAPTER TWENTY) TANNER

DECEMBER 21ST, 2009:

A stumble after stumble I found myself; I cowered towards the floor weakly, blood rushing down from my brain out through my ears and nostrils–hauntingly, the worst of it all, blood dripped from the crevices of my lips, spilling out from the corners. I yelped, I called, my throat gurgling with reddened spit that had a taste of metallic demise.

"A–Alex!" I screeched, my knuckles at last reaching the door. It went with one knock, two then three, and my lips wavered in anticipation. My bloody fingerprints rubbed on the screen door, squelching as it did, squealing with a holler. The door behind the screening threw itself open. Unlike last time I knocked on his door, he looked directly down–the first thing he did. He gasped horridly, bending from his knees, crashing open the screen door at a fast pace.

His warm fingers shelved themselves around my forearms, the warmth of his skin comforting in the biting breeze. Alexander cradled me, my blood staining his arm. Weirdly so, I whimpered, "Your door, there's my blood on it." I said that as I was practically unsteady on my feet. He shook his head, dismissing it.

"I think there's something more important than my door, Tanner. Let's get you inside, come on," he whispered in my ear softly.

We drove each other to his kitchen, him switching on the light as we passed the switch. Those iconic glow-in-the-dark stars stuck above my head, and despite my migraine and lightheadedness, I admired those stars. Even if they weren't on as the big-light was on, I still gaped with my jaw open, blood dripping over my bottom lip leisurely.

The faucet squeaked on, Alexander resting me against the countertop, my bottom placed onto the marble. He extracted a purple wash-cloth from off his oven's handle, dampening it with the faucet water.

"Here," he said, dabbing my mouth with the rag, cleansing me of my own blood. His eyebrows were concerned for my well-being, and his lips were downturned. He clicked his tongue, his squashy fingers crawling against my cheek, the wet cloth rubbing against the hairs near my ear. Alexander redirected my head to the side, and I slouched as he mumbled to himself a scattered word, "Wh...wha–?"

"Tanner, do your ears always bleed like this?" he questioned, washing them clean.

"They didn't used to...until...the–the other day," I cried, and his eyes went flat.

"What's happening to me?!" I wailed, the fear and unknowing crippling me into Alexander's arms. He grumbled in unexpectancy, holding me close to his heart. His fingers brushed through my hair, and I smelt his iconic cologne, my bloody nose burrowing deep in his strong chest, feeling the outline of his muscles with my own set of fingers that tugged his back, my nails digging to cling on.

"I know, I know. Let me tell your mother," he said, but I only hugged him tighter, nodding my head, my hair ruffling.

"No! Please, don't. She'll never let me out of the house again if she finds out I had another episode!"

"But Tanner–"

"Please, Alex! Just...please don't leave me," I whined like a little boy, begging his daddy to tell him everything was going to be okay. What was I doing? Better yet, what the fuck was I even saying? All of a sudden, here I am–cuddling a man I've only known for three months like he was the man who helped create me, my tears and blood seeping through his shirt. A part of me wanted to back away, forget what I just allowed for us to do, but another piece of my soul longed for an embrace such as this. In defeat, the embrace won, and I kept us still in a clasp.

I'm confused and lost inside like I was whenever I was seven, taken apart one by one by the frightening memory that forgot itself. It was an unimaginable pain that lived with me through every corner of my personhood. It stood with me ever since it happened, and daddy's death worsened it. He glued my lips shut, tied my hands back and tore me apart like I were a sheep, and he was the wolf, tearing apart my protective layer of skin with his lustful, disgraceful fingers. He bit at me with his gnawing teeth, his snake tongue tearing the flesh from my fragile bones.