Staring at the ceiling, my mind clouded with thoughts of my sorrow. The rain didn't help ease my thoughts, only making them worse. I don't understand how people like the rain.
People say rain can be like a rebirth, a cleansing of sins, but it doesn't seem that way. Even when I was young, I thought that the clouds would get sad and cry, causing rain. I still think that way. I am still young, even after all that's happened, but I hate when people treat me like a kid. I can handle myself. I don't need anybody to help me with my feelings.
But it's hard to think that way; I want people to be happy, but I can barely stay positive about myself. On each test and each assessment, I always don't do well; it's not a secret I'm failing to keep my grades up; my favorite subject became my least favorite after some time; I was never good at it anyway
Living on my own it was a dream, but when it came true, it wasn't; I didn't have anyone left. My family paid for this apartment, but my parents moved away, so I could never find them. I've lived off cold food for a while. It doesn't matter if it's hot or cold; I'll eat it. I've gone days without food, but it doesn't make me feel better about myself
The school doesn't make me any happier. Sure, I have friends, but they're always talking to each other. I'm never included unless I start talking, but even so, I've never felt like I fit in.
The man next door is nice. He plays guitar, and I like to listen to it when he plays on the balcony. Sure, he messes up on the notes, but I don't complain; I can't do any better after all.
But for a while, the man hasn't shown himself. I don't think he's left his apartment for a while, but I'm not sure. I've been in my room this weekend. Nobody is here anyway, so it doesn't matter what I do.
But he probably got tired of me; who wouldn't? I'm a nobody who can't even figure out how math works when it comes to fractions.
Getting up from my bed takes up a lot of my energy; I don't have the energy for a lot of things like I used to. Even cleaning is hard now. Taking a shower, brushing my teeth, taking out the trash, or even eating makes me exhausted to think about. I try to break out of those cycles, but it never works. I fall back into it before I even realize I've been doing better.
I feel selfish, doing stuff for myself and not helping others. I try over and over, but it's hard for me to feel the way people feel if I haven't experienced it. It's cringe-worthy to say that, but I truly can't feel the same way.
But tomorrow is the day I can see my friends again, but at the same time, I also don't want to wake up tomorrow; the feeling of being in those classrooms sucks, but I don't have anything better to do when I'm home, I don't own a phone except for the house phone, it's like one of those old phones, I barely use it anyways.
Even when I close my eyes, I'm not at ease. It takes longer than I like, but when I wake up, I feel worse. I like sleeping, but not the feeling of waking up; I hate it—waking up each day with no energy for anything.
