Do it all over again

Back home.

~Zayn~

Leaving the band wasn't an easy decision, it was thought over for a while. But we got so big within the first year, it was like going viral overnight. At times we couldn't even leave our hotel room because fans were following us everywhere. I mean I guess that's the price you pay in exchange for fame. And don't even get me started on management. Regardless, it was still a difficult decision. And I knew in that time I needed to go back to my hometown and spend time with my family.

I walk up to my mum's front door and knock. She has no idea that I was coming home to visit. "Hello? Oh my boy!! It's so wonderful to see you!" She exclaims immediately pulling me into a hug. "Hi mum." "What brings you back down to Bradford?" "As you probably already know, I left the band. And I thought it was a good idea to come home and visit for a couple of weeks." I sigh, knowing there's so much hate and media already going around about me leaving the band. "Oh, Zayn. It would be great seeing old friends and new faces." My mum says, in a calming tone.

I go back into my old room, and everything is still where I left it when I got shipped off after the X-Factor. My action figures, my magazines, my tv, and.... Pictures of my high school sweetheart. Mum never got rid of these? I wonder how she's doing. "Mum!!" I yell, holding the photo of Eliza and I in my hand. My Mum walks into my room. "Yes dear?" "Does Eliza still live in Bradford?" "I'm not entirely sure sweetheart, her parents haven't heard from her since you shipped off after the X-factor. When the band got really famous. It seems like she cut everyone off. I do hope she's doing well though." My mum smiles. My mum has always been an optimistic person. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about Eliza, especially since it seemed like she cut everyone off. I don't even know if she still has the same number. "If she cut everyone off she must've changed her number as well." I sigh. "Oh absolutely she did, I've tried to text her multiple times, I worry about her you know? I loved her like my own, my favorite girl you've dated so far. I didn't like those celebrity girlfriends you had." I chuckle at my Mum's comment, of course she didn't like GiGi or any of the others. Even though they had their own money, she always thought that they wanted even more fame being with me, considering I was in the most famous band, the N'SYNC of the 2010's. 

I unpack all my things and all I can think about is Eliza and how she's doing, where she went, is she safe, is she alone? A million thoughts running through my mind. And they all revolved around her. I'd be lying to myself if I said I didn't miss her. She supported me the entire time I was on the X-Factor, when they made us dance she gave me encouraging words to finally do it, I still sucked nonetheless but I did it. I was honestly a fool for letting her go; but I couldn't do long distance. I should have tried to atleast make it work, and that's entirely my fault. She was more than willing to make it work, but I myself couldn't do it.

"Hey mum! What's the plan for tonight? I know you always have a plan up your sleeve." I ask sitting down at the kitchen table.  "Well I called your sisters over and I called your father while he was at work telling him that you're back home for a couple of weeks and we're gonna have a family dinner. Chicken thighs, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, green beans and obviously some drinks! To celebrate you being home." My mother smiles, she always knew how to make things better. My mind is still on Eliza though. Maybe a drink would help.  I get up and pour me a glass of whiskey.  "That sounds great mum." I say planting a kiss on her cheek. "What time is everyone going to be here?" I add.  "Well your father gets off at six, and your sisters should be here by five. So probably around six thirty."  "Okay mum. I'm gonna go finish unpacking. I'll be ready by five."  "Okay dear." 

I finish my whiskey and put the glass in the dishwasher. Heading back to my room, I get a phone call, it's Louis.   "What's up dude?" I say.  "Hey lad, did you make it back home safely?"  "Yeah I did, but question do you remember my girlfriend that I had when we were on the ex factor?" I ask, seemingly hopeful that he remembered her.  "Oh uhm Eliza?" "Yeah her! Apparently she cut everyone off after I broke up with her, my mum doesn't even know where she's at. And I've been thinking about her since I found the photos of her and I in my old room."  "Aw lad, that sucks. Hopefully she's okay, are you missing her or are you just worried about her?"  "Honestly lad? Both. I mean if she hates me it would be completely understandable, she wanted to try and do long distance; and I knew I couldn't do it and I regret that.  But for her to cut everyone off worries me. She was always a bubbly happy go lucky person." I sigh, those words made me overthink even more.  "Lad, I wouldn't overthink too much about it. But it seems to me like you still love her." Louis stated.  Those words hit me like a truck. I did still love her. I do still love her. And knowing I'd go any lengths to find her just to make sure she was okay...... scared me.   "Yeah you're right lad, I do still love her. And I was a fucking idiot for letting her go."   "Hey, we all make mistakes. We're human. But I promise if you guys were meant to be together, you guys will find each other again, especially when you least expect it."  Louis' words gave me some reassurance, knowing if we were meant to be together we would find each other again.  "Thanks lad, I needed to hear that honestly."  "Anytime bro, but I have to get to the studio, I'll let the other lads know you made it back safely."  "Thanks lad, I appreciate that. Love you." "Love you too bro. I miss you."  "Miss you too lad."  Louis hangs up the phone, I plop down onto my bed.  Maybe I needed to get some fresh air.  Maybe I have false hope. God I hope not. I hope what Louis said was true.

Five o'clock rolls around and my sisters get here.  "Zayn!!" Safaa yelled.  "Hey sis." All my sisters hug me and start asking a million questions. Acting like they don't hear from me atleast once a week.  My sisters and I chat while mum starts making dinner. Not long after, my father gets home.  "Zayn my boy! Good to see you son." My dad says walking past pulling me into a hug. "Good to see you too pops."   "Alright, dinner should be done within the next hour and a half! Drinks are in the fridge. We're having chicken thighs, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes and green beans." My mum smiles.  "Okay mum with the three sides." My sister Doniya says.   "You know how mum is, she has to make sure everyone gets atleast a second plate." Waliyha says.  I nod in agreement, still not being able to get my mind off of Eliza.

Dinner is finished and smells delicious perusal especially mum's cooking, she starts making our plates. Even though we're all adults she still treats us like she always has, it reminded me of Eliza, anytime she cooked for me she made my plate first. Fuck. I can't get her out of my head.... Shes living rent free at this point. I've got to see her before I head back to L.A.  "Thank you for dinner mum, it smells delicious." "You're welcome sweetheart."  We all devoured our food before bringing out the games. It's a tradition at our house when family dinners happen. Safaa starts making everyone drinks while dad pulls out the games. Uno, cards against humanity, and lastly Monopoly. "Uno or cards against humanity first?!" My dad exclaims.   "Uno, obviously." I say.   "Uno it is!" My mum says.  I deal out the cards, Safaa starts handing out drinks, as everyone else sits down. 

We finish playing every game. Yes every game. I'm pretty tipsy at this point. And all I want to do is write. I need to write my feelings into a song. It's my only escape at this point.  My sisters all leave and I head to bed.  "I'm going to bed guys, I love you."  "Goodnight son, I love you." Mum and Dad say in unison, pretty tipsy themselves. I chuckle and head into my room. I grab my notebook and immediately start writing. 

Am I wrong for wanting us to make it
Tell me your lies because I just can't face it
It's you, it's you....
It's you
I won't I won't cover my scars
I'll let them bleed
So my silence
My silence won't be mistake for peace
It's you, it's you...
It's you..

I write until I start crying. I know I've always been seen as the tough guy, but I'm just as sensitive as the next guy. Well possibly even more sensitive..... I have to find Eliza....