That morning my body felt so stiff like I was being weighted down. My phone was buzzing repeatedly on the table call after call text after text. It was my boss. Basically begging me to come to work. I turned back over facing the inside of my couch. I took a deep breath then closed my eyes. I still felt her cold hands running over my body I still felt violated. To try to shake the feeling I went and took a shower, standing under the hot water letting it run down my body only made me think more into my thoughts but I did warm up. I no longer felt that cold touch. Apart of me missed my ex. She wouldn't do something like this to me. She would know how to comfort me but what do I look like munching off what my old friend fucked. I sat in the living room with just a towel around my waist. Stared into an empty screen for a little and tried to gain control over my thoughts. I got up and started heading back o my room when I Hurd a small knock at the door. I yanked the door open frustrated. It was my child hood best friend who just came back from collage to visit me. I felt embarrassed for her to look up at me and see me half dressed. "Oh uh sorry I didn't know it was you. I apologize for opening the door like this" I said as I scratched the back of my head nervously. She stumbled on her words just to say it's alright. I invited her in then put on some pajamas pants. I was so happy to see her I almost cried. I laid my head in her lap which I never do. She caressed the side of my head and started talking to me. My heart started racing, I couldn't breathe. Was this the touch I was craving?. She saw me struggling to breathe and as my child hood friend this happened a lot as kids. She played with my hair and asked me about my time here trying to distract me. I sobbed into her lap and told her about the women who raped me. The room got quiet and I thought her heart stopped. She looked down at me in anger, not directly angry at me but angry at the situation. I sat up and her eyes followed mine. "I know I'm a guy but-". I was cut off with an enraged "I swear I will punch you backwards through that wall if you say something stupid like guys can't get raped" I sat there with a slowed breath and a wet face. I felt her grab my face and wipe my tears and pull me into her. She held my head against her chest and rocked slowly back and forth. I Hurd her heart beat she controlled her breathing and heart rate for me. For me to have something slow to match my breathing to. I felt sleepy and safe all of a sudden. She sat there and rocked until I was at peace. I laid there against her on her chest fighting the sleep that was catching up to me. I felt her caress my face. I realized I was the only person she was really over protective over but that's probably because I was her childhood. It was always me and her all the way up until she went to collage. When I finally stood up I apologized for her wet shirt and she laughed. "Oh stop please that's not the first time u have cried into my shirt" I felt okay now. She caressed the top of my hand. I'm moving in loser. That was her favorite thing to call me. Loser I never actually lost anything to her. I beat her in every game. Every sport. But that was just her as a whole. I froze. What about collage. She turned and said "sometimes you gotta give up your dream to chase bigger ones" I had no idea what she meant by that I was just excited she was here with me. She arranged for a moving truck to come and drop all her stuff off this week. My house suddenly felt like home. I didn't have a wife, or kids or a girlfriend but I had my whole childhood in a person here so it was okay for me.
Months went by with her living here with me and I felt the most comfortable I even started therapy one day she came home and was talking about weed. I never smoked a day in my life. Clearly she has tho she had to have been experienced and I trusted her. She pulled it out and sat it on the table and grabbed my hands "I'll never force you to do something you don't wanna do. So you wanna try weed. Now before you answer that yes it's a drug and if you get drug tested it will pop up. This could help you or make you worse and sometimes make you trip out but you won't be here alone" her hands holding mine. I smiled "let's do it" she smiled at me and for started on making a blunt. I watched her light it and hit it. She inhaled it and held it. She coughed a little. "Don't be afraid you might most definitely cough and don't try to inhale like I did brining it in through your nose". I took the blunt and listened to everything she said. I did cough but I felt a raspy and dry in the throat. After about half an hour my eyes we were red and I felt like I was swaying. Her eyes were red and she was gone. All of a sudden she got up and just laid on my chest. I didn't panic I felt so calm. I just rubbed her back. She never did this before but I wasn't about to be weird about it. She stared at the tv with me for about 3 minutes then said. "How come you never choose me? I'd take such good care of you?" I was confused. What do you mean why haven't i chosen you. Her low red eyes met mine. You never choose me to love you. You always choose the opposite of what you know so good for you. "What's the point in love anyway? All people do is cheat and lie" I felt her heart pick up just slightly. "I never gave up waiting and I know it won't be easy but I will wait. I want u to trust me with your feelings. The point of love is to try, try and try again no matter what. To keep trying to love each other and break the spell. To be able to make it past everything and grow old and experience life together don't you want that" while rubbing her back I took a deep sigh "yes of course I want that I think that's any normal guys dream to have a girl that's down for them. But I guess I'm just afraid" she put her head back on my chest. "Oh okay. I'll wait then" I was genuinely so confused. Why didn't I ever choose her?
