Confessions of a healing goddess

1.

I've really come to love fully expressing every part of me, the good and the bad and for so long I thought I was getting it right even though I felt a strong blockage within

How I felt didn't align with what I thought and my mistake was not being aware of that. One can think courageously but feel fearful and that's okay, the key though is always being aware of the two otherwise stagnancy and self-sabotage are bound to follow.

There's a shadow aspect of me that, a few days ago, revealed to me the strong desire to stop being abused, caged, suppressed, hidden and shunned by me and instead, to be revealed, exposed to the light, expressed, embraced and loved authentically

This is me, why would I treat myself like this? I couldn't figure it out for the life of me but point remained, after five years of struggling I finally found my answer

See, I'm a creative goddess. I love to create and over the past five years, I've created business and income flow ideas that I was always 98% close to executing. Then I'd back out, just like that without second that I would back out and run back to my comfort zone, my coping mechanism...

Wattpad.

My creativity was discovered through writing, as a kid I would see all these people coming up with big and beautiful ideas and I every single day I would tell myself that I am not creative. However from the third grade when I wrote my first ever story, my creativity was expressed so beautiful. I just didn't see it, or I'd see creativity as something bigger, something glamourous perhaps I don't know.

I started writing story after story, completing one and writing the next but never sharing them with anybody. This was a beautiful hobby of mine, drifting into another world, another dimension where I'm in control, I know what's going to happen next.

However I had a life outside of this, modelling classes, friends that I was dangerously attached to, I was a kid who was allowed to be a kid and have fun

Until I wasn't. Life took a very unexpected turn when I turned thirteen and started high school. I quickly became acquainted with anxiety, depression and rage. In 2019, a traumatic experience happened that I refused to acknowledge let alone tell a single soul on this Earth and it was shortly after that when I found Wattpad.

At first I was just reading books, loads of them non-stop. Then they got too boring, I'd always get my own ideas on how I could write a better story. Or atleast that's how I convinced myself to stop reading because not knowing what was going to happen in the next chapter really messed with my head

I had to know what was next, I had to be in control and I finally started writing my own Wattpad books. I had the quickest downward spiral of my life, this quickly took over my life. Writing books with fifty chapters of over 2000 words each, in a week. Reading the book over and over and never publishing it, deleting it and writing another one

This has been my life for years now, I tried deleting the app, finding an alternative, detoxing, repenting and praying over and over I've done it all and nothing ever helped.

As a girl who lived with a disorganised attachment style for so long I feared the unknown and life was unknown to me, reality was unknown because I felt so out of control with it. My books gave me full control of every move and every character, I was happy there. Completely zoned out from the real world

I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't sleep, I'd write for hours and hours and hours everyday. I couldn't stop if my life depended on it, maybe I had given up on life but I was still so young. Still in high school for goodness sake!

I never told anybody about this struggle, I fought it on my own when I finally dared to dream again, when I finally gathered to courage to stop being any addict. This happened when I realised that his wasn't just an escape anymore, it was something that a lot of other girls can relate to