I Can't Say [Original]

Chapter 1 [SH, SA, B]

I would always be fascinated by the people online who would say about rape and suicide. Why was peoples' pain and suffering always the main topic of a media outline? People continue to ask why Chester Bennington killed himself or how do rape victims consider themselves a victim when they were wearing clothes that were "so obviously asking for it." The thing is they don't consider the people they are pushing away because of their views. Imagine your family comes over for Día De Los Muertos and are celebrating the life of your cousin who passed away. How, you ask? By suicide. And one of your family members mentions how suicide is a sin? How would that make you feel? When your cousin was asking for help, support, love and at least one visitor to visit them in the psych ward, did your grandmother go? No she did not. You've been told all your life by both sides of your family how one person is this or that or how the other side is this or that who do you go to? How do you stop yourself from having slight prejudices and hate for the other? You can't. At least not when you're nine. You constantly wonder if your family loves you, or why you hate yourself so much that you end up in such a place.

Is it your body? Yes. Is it your sexuality? Yes. Is it because you feel like you're being abandoned even though you have everything? Yes. Is it because deep down you know you've caused every family member pain and disgust even though they don't want to admit it? Yes.

You're fifteen going on sixteen. You've never found romantic love and at times you have anger so bad that someone could do something and feel angry. You hate your body, you hate growing up, you hate every single feeling that you're feeling just because of lust, you hate your mind, you hate feeling so useless but having to keep a straight face because to people you hold them together and you can't break because you have everything. And if you're gone or feeling hopeless, well you're selfish and taking everything for granted. You're sitting in a room listening everyday to the set subjects you need to learn in order to become a smart person ready to go to college and get a good job. You don't feel smart? You don't feel on the same level as the other kids? You're dumb. You need tutoring. You need to go to the counselor. Oh no, you have a disorder.

What's there in life when you can go for something that wastes your parents money and you don't even know if you'll get in or get a self-sufficient job that you live that exceeds the expectations of your family. I thought it was music. But hey I'm not even good at that either. You can't even explain how it makes you feel when you're going insane or trying to explain how it makes you feel safe while no one cares or feels the same.

What is this book? An excuse to make yourself feel sane?

What is this book? A way to make yourself say everything you want to say because you feel like the most unimportant person to ever exist?

Or is it just because you want someone to love you in some way?

You wanna kill yourself? Well, do it.

You can't because there's something you'll miss when you die?

You're dead. You won't even notice.

You can't die because your life is perfectly fine?

It is. But sometimes you know deep down it's because it's bothering you.

Why? You don't know.

You were abused? Yeah that's right.

You have selfish desires? Yeah that's right.

You hate yourself? Yeah that's right.

Someone didn't listen to you? Yeah that's right.

Someone didn't give you attention? Yeah that's right.

Someone has their problems and you make it worse?

Yeah that's right.

Why are you writing this book?

Fuck. You don't even know?

Well, that's a shame.