Arousing the Candled Flames

Chapter 2

𝘽𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙠

"Kakauwi mo lang kahapon tapos babalik ka naman sa probinsya?"

Kinahapunan nagpasya akong umuwi ng Nueva Ecija. I asked Isla to drop me off since I don't have a car, and even if I did, I wouldn't know how to drive it. Directions and navigation aren't exactly my strengths, I'd probably end up lost. The thought of figuring out routes or dealing with traffic sounds like a nightmare. I'm much more comfortable letting someone else handle the road. After all, there are only a few things I know how to handle and ride confidently, and steering a vehicle isn't one of them.

"E, ano naman?" I replied, barely glancing up, my voice almost detached.

"What do you mean, ano naman?!'" Isla's voice sharpened with disbelief, eyes widening in exasperation. "Gas prices are insane right now!" she exclaimed, crossing her arms and shaking her head. Her words cut through the stillness of the car, but I found myself drifting, my thoughts pulled elsewhere.

I stared out the window as we drove, letting the scenery blur past, fields dipped in late afternoon sun, trees casting long shadows, winding roads stretching on and on. It all felt hauntingly familiar yet distant, like watching pieces of a memory slip away. Hours drifted by like this, lost somewhere between consciousness and introspection, and before I knew it, night had fallen. When I finally arrived, the house stood cloaked in darkness, windows empty of light, almost as if it, too, had fallen into a quiet, solemn slumber.

For a moment, nakatayo lang ako sa harap ng gate, nagdadalawang-isip pumasok, allowing the weight to sink in. Tahimik ang paligid-mabigat, parang kinikilala ng bahay ang pagod at lungkot na pasan-pasan ko. Parang ramdam din nito ang bigat na hindi ko kayang bitawan.

"Ano, uuwi na ako. Okay ka lang ba rito?" tanong ni Isla, bumaba siya sa kotse niya at tinignan ako nang may pag-aalala.

"Oo, okay lang ako. Ingat ka," sabi ko habang niyakap ko siya nang mahigpit. Sinalubong niya ang yakap, saglit kaming nagkibit-balikat ng katahimikan, before letting go and heading back to her car. I watched her drive off, and the silence settled again, deeper this time.

This house was supposed to be my home, a safe refuge for me and my siblings, a place that held warmth and comfort. But now, standing here, I feel like a stranger in my own home. It's as if one wrong step, one slight move, could unravel everything, could break apart what little we have left. I can feel the distance between me and them stretching wider, and it pains me to realize that it's partly because I chose to leave. I had to. But leaving created a gap, and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to bridge it.

"Sana nagsalsal ka na lang, Daddy, kaysa nangbabae ka pa," I whispered, my voice barely holding back the frustration and pain.

I often ask myself, if Daddy had made different choices, would things have turned out better? Kung hindi ko nalaman ang tungkol sa pangangaliwa niya, would I still see our family as whole, unbroken? Would I still cling to that fragile illusion of happiness we once had? Sa totoo lang, hindi ko matukoy kung kailan nagsimulang mag-iba ang lahat. Parang unti-unti siyang naglaho, piece by piece, hanggang sa halos wala na akong makilala sa kaniya. It's strange to think that love can fade in such a quiet way, like a slow burn that leaves you wondering if it ever existed at all. I miss the simplicity of before... before all the secrets and lies, when things felt honest, or at least, felt real.

I've tried to escape the problem at home that my parents created, na parang walang ibang paraan kundi lumayo. Pero sa sobrang pagtakbo ko, naiwan ko doon ang mga kapatid ko, sila na kahit anong mangyari, hindi matatakasan ang bahay namin. And no matter how hard I try to accept everything, I can't deny that there are moments when we choose to run away rather than face the wounds inflicted on us by those we loved the most. May takot, may takot na bumalik. Takot na baka hindi ko na mahanap ang dating tahanan ko... ang pamilya ko, ang sarili ko.