owakcx goes through absolute hell

owakcx suffers [tw; self harm]

[side note OWAKCX will mainly be reffered to with they/them,, it/its,, he/him,, and some xeno/neopronouns every once in a while since this entire book is such heavy self projection that its practically a vent book at this point]
anyways onto the. actual..
uh.
what even is this ??
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OWAKCX laid in bed, almost all of him covered by multiple blankets that made it hard to get even a vague sense of the shape of his body. They stared at the wall, arms crossing against their chest as they felt an odd sense of dread nestle into their mind. Yet they felt. Empty? Whenever they began to feel this they would harm themselves in any sort of way they could, but they were 5 months clean. It had been the longest they had ever gone without breaking and going straight back to that cycle of constantly hurting themselves and just feeling bad about it instead of actually trying to stop, but could he really be blamed for it? Last time he had gotten rid of his blades, clipped his claws, and hid anything else he could possibly use to harm himself he began to shake [even more than usual] after a few days without having done anything to himself.

He couldn't ever really understand why self harm was bad though, so did it really matter whether or not he went clean? But Jevin....
..

Jevin doesn't need to know about this.

They rolled over, reaching for the drawer that held the blades. They pulled one out, staring at it. It was the sharpest one they had, and most of the time it went down to what they could only assume was fat. But they had always fixed it up themselves, so it would be fine, right? Even with their incredibly shakey hands and heavily muddled mind, they had always managed to get it to heal correctly.. They would be fine. They wouldn't allow anybody to see it, nor the bloodied blades.

After a while of sitting and staring at himself, he gently pushed the razor up against his skin and shut his eyes, before pushing down roughly and sliding it across his arm. He repeated to do so again and again, moving his hands to a different spot every time. His eyes slowly opened as he looked down at the bloody mess he had created, the shaking of his well- everything, increased as he watched the blood drip off of his arm and soak into the sheets below. He slowly got up, leaving Jevin to sleep there alone, not for long though. Walking into the kitchen, he picked up the papertowel before lazily wrapping his arm up, then taking a roll of electrical tape from the cabinet and layering the black tape over the paper towel.
He quietly snuck back into the bedroom, rolling his sleeves back down and hoping that Jevin would just assume he had went to the bathroom or something. He shuffled his way under the covers again, careful not to wake the sleeping sprunki.

He looked back down at his still aching arm, wondering if he should actually try and treat it or not.
Its fine, I 'll worry about it tomorrow.
He thought to himself, shuffling closer to Jevin. God, he would definitely need to be sent back to the mental hospital. He didn 't care anymore, he just didn 't want to deal with this anymore. His boyfriend wouldn 't have to worry about whether or not he was going to relapse or not.

Actually.. Maybe it would be better without him entirely. Maybe he should try killing himself again. Without him, nobody would have to worry again, he would be a distant memory, Jevin would move on, his friends would move on, he could be forgotten like he always had wanted...
..
Not now. Everyone was still too attached. They cared too much..
They knew what they would do. They'd distance themselves until almost everybody had forgotten about them, then they 'd go off into the woods and overdose or kill themselves in some other way. It was perfect.
He decided on 3 months. 3 months to distance himself and then finally die like he always wanted.
And since he was going to die, then why should he care about going clean?
Everything would go fine. He was just some stupid tranny that was easily replacable enough to be moved on from in maybe 2 days, so, his plan was set. 3 months.

[sorry i didnt know how to end this and im writing this at 1:43 am on a school night. so]