To be Masculine

Chihiro

Aoi is different than Chihiro thought she would be, although he guesses he shouldn't be surprised - he isn't exactly an open book either.

It's something else though, to see that difference in person. To see that someone who seems to practically radiate self-confidence and joy might be like Chihiro deep down: uncertain.

It's scary in a way because if Aoi can be so undeniably impressive and still not always feel okay in her own skin, then what hope does Chihiro have?

For once, he takes time getting dressed - imagining that instead of pulling on a blouse, it's  t-shirt and his cardigan is actually a hoodie and that his skirt is really just a pair of baggy jeans. It makes him happy in a small way and he wonders how much happier it would make him if he were doing the real thing.

But that would most likely mean telling everyone that he's been concealing the truth the entire time - that the Chihiro Fujisaki they know is based off of smoke and mirrors and uncorrected assumptions. He shivers.

It would make the motive void, he realises. The whole concept is based around being so ashamed of your secret, you kill to keep it. But if you told everyone yourself...

Taking a deep breath, Chihiro hums to himself and ties the bow at his neck before leaving his room. He has a lot to think about before meeting back up with Aoi.

__________________________________

Night comes slowly, clock hands lowering with the reluctance of dripping honey. Chihiro's enthusiasm is almost palpable nearing the end of the day and the moment he can be sure that it's well past the time any reasonable person is up, he hurries to the library.

It's only when he makes it to the door that his nerve starts to falter. He may be excited by his recent revelation but that's no guarantee that Aoi will be. If anything, his idea might freak her out, even more than the killing game already has.

What he's about to suggest means being completely vulnerable and having to trust others to not take advantage. Aoi may not be up for that.

Most people wouldn't be up for that.

Still, Chihiro knocks at the door and waits for Aoi's voice to call him in. When he does, he can feel a cold sweat begin to rise at the back of his neck. Despite this, he still opens the door.

"Hi, Aoi."

"It's nice to see you again, Chihiro. You seem like you're doing well which is nice considering..."

Considering that the last time they were both here, he had been bawling his eyes out.

"Yeah..." he fidgets with the hem of his skirt. "I've been thinking about what we talked about yesterday and- and made me really think about how I want to spend the rest of... well, my entire life, really."

Chihiro walks to the back wall of the library and sits there with his legs tucked underneath himself. Aoi quickly follows, sitting cross-legged beside him with a furrow in her brow.

"Please, tell me I didn't give you a crisis, I swear I did not mean to and isn't a day a little too short to be re-evaluating your entire future in?" She rambles all the whilst her dart back and forth, seemingly scanning him for something. Probably for signs of an incoming breakdown, Chihiro thinks.

He hates how accurate that would usually be.

"No, no, it's not your fault. I think you just..." Chihiro waves a hand lazily in the air, "gave me the nudge I needed to think about what I need to do if I want to live the way I want to. Does that make sense?"

"I guess," Aoi leans back against the wall, eyes not leaving Chihiro. "What did you decide on then?"

"I've decided I no longer want to live like this. I want to be able to feel happy with myself in the mornings - or at least happier than I am now," Chihiro thinks about mornings in front of the mirror, having to see himself in dresses and bows in place of shirts and ties.