MIRRORBALL ; QUINN HUGHES

Twenty eight

no surprises ; radiohead

QUINN

MY FOOT pressed hard on the gas as I drove. I could feel my knuckles turning white as I squeezed the wheel. My nerves were taking over as I pulled over on the side of the road.

I couldn't bring myself to get out of the car. I began to shake, rubbing my hands over my face as I mustered up the courage to exit my car.

I paused, looking at the dented tree. Flowers and candles littered the sight below it, a framed photo of Tate mixed in.

I bent down, my fingers pressing into the bark of the tree. I jumped, hearing a voice behind me.

"I was wondering when you'd come here." Luke stood behind me, his eyes tired as the bags beneath them were a deep rooted purple.

I sighed, turning my head back to the tree. I shrugged. "I haven't been able to force myself here. I just, like, didn't want to imagine it."

"Yeah." Luke nodded, his lips tight. "I come here a lot. I still can't believe it."

Tate kept us together in a strange way. Even if at some point she tore us apart, she brought us right back together. And that was the beauty that was Tate Bridgers.

"I really miss her." I finally admitted aloud, staring at the crash site with an emptiness in my gut. "Like, I really fucking miss her."

Luke glanced at me, his light eyes observing me closely. "You haven't opened up to me. You haven't opened up to anyone."

He was right, I hadn't. I've spent my whole life playing the role of protective and strong big brother. I never had to express how I felt, it wasn't necessarily needed.

"Because I don't know what to say." I pressed my lips together, looking down at my feet. When Tate died, I did too. "I have this weight on my chest, like, that I'll spend the rest of my life alone."

"She wouldn't want that." Luke shook his head. "She would want you to be happy, Quinn. That's all she ever wanted. She wouldn't want you to spend the rest of your life alone and thinking of her."

And he was right. But I didn't know how to do that. I didn't know how to love anyone who wasn't Tate.

"I guess so." I shoved my hands in my pockets.

"You have to forgive yourself." Luke advised, making me glance over at my youngest brother. "That's what I'm trying to do."

I knew I fucked up with Tate on multiple accounts. I knew the time I saw her, I made the biggest mistake of my life.

If only I had chased after her, or begged her not to go. I wouldn't be standing at this site picturing her flying out of her car on impact. She'd be here, we'd be together, and everything would be exactly as we hoped.

"I don't know." I paused, trying to keep my front up. "I don't know how to do that, Luke. I treated her like shit this summer, even when I had her."

"We all make mistakes, Quinn." Luke shrugged, a deep frown on his lips.

Luke had gotten better, day by day. It had been a month since Tate passed away, and Luke was finally eating full meals. He wasn't staying cooped up in his room, rather taking every emotion out on a puck.

"I made the biggest mistake of my life." I shook my head, "I should've told her I loved her the first time I had the chance too."

"Truth or dare?" Tate asked me.

We laid on our backs, staring up at the ceiling as we tried to occupy ourselves. We feared we'd die of boredom before my family returned.

"Really?" I chuckled, tossing the tennis ball up before catching it again. "Okay, fine. Truth."

"Hm." Tate hummed, putting thought into her question. "Okay, I got it. Have you ever been in love?"

I paused, feeling my mouth go dry. Instead of saying the truth, I chuckled dryly. "No. I'm only sixteeen, T. I'm too young for that."

The truth was, I had been in love. I was in love. I was in love with Tate. And I hated that she had been so blind to that.

"No one is ever too young." Tate argued, her eyes never leaving my side profile. I didn't look at her.

"So, are you in love then?" I asked, my eyes glued to the shiny stars on the ceiling that reflected down at us.

Tate paused, a small exhale leaving her lips. "Yes. I'm in love right now."

I squeezed my eyes shut momentarily. I could feel my chest tighten at the thought of Tate loving someone else.

A soft laugh left her mouth, finally, I looked at her. "What's so funny, T?"

"Nothing." She grew shy, her eyes avoiding mine. "I just hoped you say that you were in love too."

I finally caught on to what she had been saying. I finally caught on to her admitting that it was me she was in love with.

But I couldn't say it back. I swallowed the lump in my throat and somehow; my silence made it worse.

She shifted, sitting up as her brown hair fell down her back. "It's getting late. I'm gonna head to my room. Thanks for keeping me company."

I got back in my car after a few more minutes, leaving Luke to himself as he fixed up the sight of the wreck. I couldn't bear to be there anymore.

I drove to the coastline before parking my car once again. This time, at a different location. I stopped in my tracks as I exited the car, staring at the rock castle we'd built just two weeks ago.

My legs worked faster than my brain and I was standing before it in the matter of seconds. The tears stung my eyes as the adrenaline of memories made my hand shake by my side.

"Stupid!" I yelled, using my right foot to kick the rocks over. "So fucking stupid."

I broke down, sitting down beside the fallen tower of wishes as I sobbed.

I let myself feel it. I let myself feel what it was like to have a world without her. I hated it. I hated it so much.

I wanted to be able to tell her that I loved her again. I'd never be able too. I wanted to hear her laugh. I never would, again. I wanted to feel her arms wrapping around me till I couldn't breathe. It would never happen again.

I'd lost Tate. Forever.

Why did I let her get in the car that night?

Quinn, why didn't you chase after her?

shattering.
next chapter will have a time skip!
second to last one tmr :(