Unspoken Fears

Chapter 13 ~ Just A Stray

(I'm sorry. Apparently, I only update once a month now. This chapter and the next couple may be a challenge to write, I think BUT I have hope that... I don't know. I just have hope. I am excited for some things to come.

ALSO I'M ALMOST AT 400 READS!!! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! Should I do something special for 400 reads or hold out to 500? I've decided I want to try to 500 reads by the end of this year which probably means I need to post more than once this month and next month... It'll be fine XD And now back to the story:)

            I didn't sleep that night. The worst thing to do before a big event is not sleep, but I couldn't help it. Around midnight I got out of bed, I needed some fresh air. I made my way to the front door. It opened silently and I stepped outside.

"If you're trying to sneak out, I can show you hundreds of different ways that aren't walking out the front door," A voice teased behind me and I spun around in surprise, heart pounding. Charles chuckled softly. "Then again, you don't have to sneak out. You can leave freely."

"I'm not leaving," I said in a rush. "I just needed some fresh air."

"Me too," He said softly. The moon cast a forlorn shadow across his face.

We stood in silence for a few minutes. He looked out over the stars, but I looked at him. Maybe it was exhaustion or the darkness, but his eyes were weighed down. He didn't make eye contact and his shoulders were wilted. "Are you okay?"

Charles gives a small smile. "No. Not at all."

It made sense, but my heart pounded at his answer. He was leading us, we were about to go into a fight, if any of us should be okay it should be the leader- if he was freaking out what would we do then?

"I'm asking myself a million questions, second guessing everything." Charles let out a shaky breath. "I feel responsible for each one of you and if..."

I didn't have to ask him to finish that thought, I didn't want him to. If one of us died... What if Erik died?

"I know why we're doing what we're doing," He whispered. "But..."

"That doesn't always mean you want to pay the cost," I finished tiredly. "Why do we always have to fight for what's right? Why is it always a struggle? Shouldn't right and wrong be clear cut?" My heart cracks a little at the question. My whole life had been fighting against the evil, the dark, the wrong. Why couldn't they all, one day, just say, 'ah I see now', and accept it?

Charles gives me a sad smile. "Perhaps if we knew the answer to that, it would solve all the world's problems."

I fidgeted with my Star of David necklace. "Have you ever had to fight like this before?" It was a personal question, and I knew asking him meant the door was open for him to ask me in return, but still. If he led us I wanted to know him.

While I waited a moment for his answer, a shadow moved across the ground- low to the ground. A cat. I knelt down to see if it would come to the porch and approach me.

"Fortunately," Charles said softly, "I've never been in a position where I had too, until now."

What a privilege. The thought isn't bitter though. If anything it's desperately envious, wishing I could have experienced that life as well- not instead of him.

"Do you really think, with all the evil in the world, doing one small good thing will make a difference?" I need the answer to be yes because if it isn't, what is this all for?

Charles doesn't answer at first. "Is it about making a difference? Is it about making a difference or doing what's right no matter what?"

I couldn't decide if that was profound or stupid so I didn't say anything else. I held my hand out to the cat patiently. He eyed me warily, tail flicking back and forth.

"Are you all right, Natalia?" He asked a few minutes later, breaking the midnight stillness.

"Not really."

He gave me a sad smile like he expected that answer. "You don't have to come tomorrow..."

"I'm coming," I responded immediately. "Erik is going to be there." The cat slowly walked up to me, still out of reach but with his nose stretched out to sniff me.

"You don't always have to be where Erik is," He said, and his tone was soft and gentle, but still annoyed with me, with the idea I back my brother no matter what.

"I'm with my brother," I said emphatically. "I have his back, and he has mine."

Charles lifted his hands slightly. "That doesn't mean you always have to fight his fight."

"It isn't just his fight, though, is it?" I asked. "Or you wouldn't be going. It's a fight for mutants." My voice shook a little. If Erik hadn't been going, would I go still? Was it a fight for right and wrong for me or was it a fight for my brother?

"Perhaps," Charles said slowly, "that is something you have to answer yourself. What is this fight to you? Only you can answer that, and based on that answer alone, only you will know if it is worth fighting." He straightens his jacket and puts his hands in his pockets. He goes down the few porch steps and stares up at the stars.

His movement startled the cat and he scampered a few feet away, but turned back to look at me curiously, fluffy tail held high.

I didn't want to answer that, but I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts either, so I stay where I am, watching him watch the stars. "You're awfully optimistic."

"How so?"

"You're so positive you will make a difference. That's why you fight this fight, that's why you want a school for mutants... I've never had the privilege of long term dreams." I didn't mean to confess that to Charles, but it slips out. Besides, there really aren't secrets with someone when he can read your mind.

"What would your dreams be if you did have that privilege?" He asked gently.

Immediately an imagine flooded my mind-- a warm spring day, I'm chasings toddlers around a yard as we laugh, perhaps there's a dog, Erik with a beautiful wife nearby and perhaps a husband of my own- a home, a family. My dream, summed up? Safety. I don't answer and I pray he isn't listening to my thoughts. He doesn't even spare me a glance, absorbed in his own thoughts.

Could my happiness be here? Could I learn to control my ability and make friends and build a safe life here?

I take a shaky breath. I guess it all depends on how things would go tomorrow.

I open my mouth to answer Charles' question- but what's more vulnerable? Admitting I want a place where I'm loved and wanted? Or admitting I want a place where I am safe? Both are awfully revealing about my life up to that point and whether he already had an educated guess about my innermost desires or not, voicing them is something completely different.

"A cat," I said instead, dryly.

Charles smirked. "He probably has a disease. I can't get rid of him no matter how hard I try. That cat's just a stray."

I shrugged. "I'm just a stray of sorts, aren't I? I won't hold it against him." As if sensing friendship, the cat came back and rubbed against my outstretched fingertips with no hesitation.

"Well, I guess some dreams do come true," Charles said. "You may want to try to get more rest. Tomorrow will be, if nothing else, an exhausting day."

I scratched my new, timid cat friend on the head for another moment before Charles shifted once again and sent the cat scampering for safety under the darkness of the trees. "Goodnight, Charles."

Goodnight, my dreams. Tomorrow, I fight. Again.