Black Friday

Chapter 1

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️: Mentions of Self Physical Harm

My name is Clover Gardener. Ironic isn't it? Every time people find out my name, they say and I quote, "Clover Gardener? Your mom is very naturey isn't she?" In those exact words. Naturey isn't even a word. I'm from a small city called Monowi. Monowi is such a wonderful name. If only my mom would've named me something whimsical like Monowi. Anyways, it's somewhere in Nebraska, I'm not good with direction. I have an older sister whose name is Lily and a younger sister whose name is Dahlia. Does the name Clover make sense now? No? Exactly. My sisters are named after flowers and I'm named after something people go searching for to find good luck. Like I'm a lucky charm. If only I felt that way. My whole life I felt blurred. Blurred into the lines of the universe. Everyday I feel like I'm drowning in nothingness. I wish my life meant as much to me as it does to other people. My mother and father are wonderful people. They made a decent living for theirselves. My father works in the oil industry and my mother is a realtor. Lily is daddy's favorite daughter and Dahlia is mom's favorite. Which parent favors Clover? No one. They love me at an arms length compared to my sisters. I mean...I get why. There's no color to me. Let me explain, picture this; preppy, pink and bumped ends with a bob. That pretty much describes Lily. She's such a baby pink to be exact. Super sensitive, sweet, caring and all around beautiful. I'd give anything to be more like Lily. She's who I should look up to after all, she's my big sis sis. Now picture this; vines, potted plants, layered ripped clothes and tons of gold jewelry. That is who Dahlia is. If anything her name should've been Clover, she's "one with nature". When I think of Dahlia, I think a forest green. She's very calm, down to earth, super kind and all around gorgeous. Now I know what you're probably thinking, Clover how would you describe yourself? A dark void. I have no style, I have no interests, I have no color. As you can imagine my sister's rooms are very decorative and go well with their "aesthetic". My mother always says ever since I was a child, I never decorated my room. It always looks vacant. Like no one lives there, at least I keep it clean. Just nothing interests me. Not even waking up in the morning. My sisters developed their keen sense of self from our mother. She's very boujee I'd say. Every time we see her, she's never wearing "regular" clothes. She's in some imported cloth or prestige suit. I wonder if she wears that stuff to bed. I don't know how the heck daddy puts up with it. Cause he's a regular flannel wearing, tight blue jean, kind of guy. He has the money to dress like mom but he doesn't flaunt it.
I've always liked that about daddy. He's very low key. I guess I used to always try to copy him, but now that I'm older, that's not what I did at all. Even from a child, I was always dissociated from reality. Why? I couldn't tell you. I'm from a glamorous family and I'm the odd one out. Oh and I'm 16 by the way. Lily is 18 and Dahlia is 14. The perfect 2s. Our parents are even 2 years apart. 42 and 44. I guess I should describe what we look like as a family. Lily is 5"9, long brown hair with blue eyes. Dahlia is 5"7, medium brown hair with blue eyes. Mom is 5"11, long blonde hair with blue eyes. Daddy is 6"0, short black hair with blue eyes. Oh and me? I'm 5"4, long black hair and green eyes. Im the black cat of my family. You maybe wondering, why do my sisters have brown hair and none of my parents do. Well, mom's hair used to be brown but she always keeps it blonde. Daddy is a natural black and it skipped over Lily and came straight to me. I get my green eyes from my Nanny. The height thing? I'm convinced the universe truly hates me. How did my little sister manage to get taller than me?! Apparently, that's from my Nanny as well. I truly do look like I was adopted into this family. People I went to school with in middle school used to tell me all the time, no way those are your parents. Or no way that's your big sister/little sister. They wouldn't believe me until they saw us get in and out of the same car everyday. I'm still sure some of them till this day don't believe me. I don't blame them though. I don't look like I'm supposed to belong. I don't feel like I belong either. Whenever we go out as a family, I tend to drag behind them. I don't want to steal any of their shine. Oh how each of them shine so brightly. I'm in 10th grade, Dahlia's in 8th grade and it's Lily's senior year. Daddy is so super proud of his babygirl. His firstborn about to graduate from high school. I wonder if he'll be this excited when I graduate from high school. Anyway, it's the night before the 10th grade. Our parents sends us to school outside of our city. We go to private schools. Of course with private schools, comes uniforms. My mother is downstairs ironing our red mid thigh skirts and our button down gray shirts. Even our red and black ties. I've never wore a tie a day in my life. I don't want you guys to think I come from a family that treats me like crap and that's why I am the way I am. That's not the case at all.
My sisters adore me. In fact, they find my clear personality a change of pace in their very colorful ones. Dahlia is always in my room begging me to decorate it. She says the lack of greenery hurts her soul. She's such a drama queen. At school, Lily forces me to sit with her. I say force cause she literally drags me to her table. Her friends are pretty cool but I can't see their faces. When I look at people who aren't my sisters or my parents, I see X's in place of their faces. It's apart of the disassociation I think. I was always super bad with names or faces and that's why. But whenever I do sit with them, I'm forced to listen to whatever bull crap 18 year old girls find interesting. Like the new cute boy or whatever new lip gloss just came out. After a while of listening, I mentally block my ear drums. Which just basically means I no longer hear what they're saying. Lily always thinks I just enjoy listening to their conversations. She's such a sweetie pie. I'm currently sitting on the edge of my bed tracing the lines on my legs. Lines that I've cut previously in the week. Yes..I do cut myself. It releases the tension in my muscles and keeps me at peace. I know I shouldn't do it and then hide it from my family, but...I'm not like them. I will never be like them. My mom knocks at the door, "Clovey? Can I come in?" Clovey? I know right. She's been calling me that for as long as I can remember. I quickly throw a blanket over myself. I clear my throat and say, yea sure mom. She walks in with her suit on. A smile plastered across her face. She sits my clothes on the bed. She says, "Clovey, are you ever gonna decorate your room?" I say, mom you've been asking me that forever. Just drop it. She places a kiss on the side of my head. I smile a little and in walks Dahlia. Mom's entire demeanor changes and she says, "Lia! I'm coming with your laundry soon ok?" Dahlia nodded and says, "I wasn't coming in here for you. I want to talk with my sister!" I can tell that broke mom's heart, but she's glad that we get along. Mom nods and walks out the room. Dahlia waits until she hears Mom's heels going back down the stairs. Yes, she wears heels around the house. Dahlia jumps on me and squeezes me. I struggle to keep the blanket over my legs. I say, Dahlia! A warning would suffice. She giggled and sat next to me. She's wearing a lime green crop top with a spaghetti strap white shirt under that. She's wearing a short brown and crème sheer skirt with shredded pieces hanging from the sides of it. She's also wearing sandals that have laces going up her legs.
She's only 14 and she has such a keen sense of fashion. She snaps her manicured fingers in my face. I say, oh sorry Lia what did you say? She rolls her eyes and says, "I said, are you ready for 10th grade?" I sigh and say, well I guess. There's nothing different about it from 9th grade. I guess except the math. Dahlia grabbed my face and said, "I want to see you make at least one friend this year Clover! You've never made a friend in your whole entire life, how is that possible?!" I take her hands off my face and said, well my dear sister, you've met someone who makes it possible. She chuckles and says, "You're just socially awkward. It'll be ok, you're an amazing person just give them a chance." It pained my heart to hear her speak highly of me. If only she saw me the way I see myself. She stands up and says, "Well I'll be back to bother you later!" She laughed but I know she's dead serious. I sigh as I stand up to go through my clothes. Now I know you are probably wondering how do I plan to hide my scars if I have to wear such a short skirt to school? We have to wear red and white knee high socks and I plan to wear my skirt under my stomach instead of over. So that should do it for me. And if they are still somehow visible, I have makeup to cover it up. Isn't that ironic? I know nothing about beauty and using makeup for beautification but I know how to blend a self harm scar. My scars would be very noticeable cause they are constant lines all over the same area. I'd draw way too much attention to myself. I try my uniform on and look in the mirror. The uniform reminds me of something Lily would wear on an everyday basis. I know she's super excited that this is our uniform this year. I mean it could be cute if the right person wears it. And Lily is a perfect candidate. I can't wait to see how she accessorizes it everyday. Am I depressed? Maybe. I am not one to self diagnose. I've never been to a therapist because my parents just accepted that they have a weird child. My sisters take up the bulk of the attention anyway. I don't think I really mind either. There's nothing interesting going on with me that should concern my parents. Well it's getting late, so mom should be cooking dinner now. Right on cue, Lily walks in. She squeals and says, "Oh my gosh Clo! You look so cute in your uniform!" I say, thanks Lils. Have you tried yours on? She nodded and said, "I've already got all my accessories and everything!" I smile a little bit as I figured that much already. She said, "Mom told me to come and get you."
I say, I'll be down in a minute. She nods and walks out the room. You are probably like, CLOVER?! How could you be so down in the dumps?! Your sisters are amazing! You have a great life! Sure it may seem that way, but a storm is always burrowing in my head. I throw on an old t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants. Dahlia and Lily are sitting together on one side of the table, mom and daddy are sitting on the other side. I'm right in the middle, as always. Daddy ruffles my hair as I walked past him. Mom prayed over the food and we started to eat. Daddy turned to me and said, "So Clover, are you ready for school in the morning?" I push my broccoli around my plate and say, as ready as I'll ever be. It's not that I don't like school, I'm just an average student. I'm not apart of any clubs, no activities, my grades are even average. Nothing compared to my sisters. Dahlia takes a pottery class after school and is the top of her class. She's always bringing home these super cool pots that she made in class. She's so artistic. Lily is like a musical prodigy. Mom put her in piano lessons since she was like 5 and now Lily can play the guitar, piano, flute, trumpet, violin, xylophone, you name it really. But now, she's learning to play the harp. And you guessed it, she's the top of her class as well. Our parents brag on them so much. I think sometimes they forget about me. Which is ok, I do nothing special anyway. They spend the rest of dinner talking about whatever. They ask me a question every now and again to keep me in the conversation. I'm always the first to leave the table. I return back to my room and enter my bathroom. Yes, each daughter has their own bathroom. Daddy ate with that cause he didn't wanna hear that someone's taking too long in the mirror or in the shower. I look at myself in the mirror. My mother comes to tell us every night how beautiful we are. Those words swirl around in my brain. Why can't I believe them? Why can't I see what she sees? I start to scratch at my legs. I quickly take my sweat pants off and scratch. Oh why can't I see?! I bring my legs to my chest and cry into my arms. This is a nightly occurrence. I'm crying on my bathroom floor while everyone is still downstairs. I'm falling apart and they can't see. I don't harm myself because I want help necessarily. It just makes me feel better. The scars make me feel unique like I stand out. When any other time, I just blend in. I hear my sisters coming up the stairs. I hurriedly get into the shower. There's a knock at the door. "Clo are you awake?"
It's Lily. I say, yea Lils I'm in the shower. She says, "Oh sorry Clo! I'll just hang with you in the morning! Night!" I smile as a tear falls from my eye. Night! I hear her walk away. I dropped to the floor and let the water run down my face. This too is a nightly occurrence. Where I sit in the shower until my skin becomes wrinkly. I'm sure that's not good for my collagen, but I don't really care. I hate my skin anyway. I finish washing up and I put on my bathrobe and hair wrap. I start to blow dry my hair as I hear another knock at the door. I say, Come in! Dahlia walks in with her light blue silk pajamas. Her skin looks like glass, so she just must've finished her skin routine. She said, "Clover, you just got out the shower?! Lily said you were in there over 40 minutes ago. You know that's not good for your skin though right?" I patted her head and said, thanks for being so concerned Lia. But it's fine. I am however about to get dressed, so I'll see you in the morning, ok? She arched her eyebrow and said, "Why are you kicking me out? We have the same thing." I say, sure we do. That doesn't mean I want you knowing what my parts look like. She scoffed and said, "I should be the one saying that, your body is so perfect." There it is again, that twitch in my heart. I try to control my breathing as to not break down in front of her. She sighs and admits her defeat. She leaves out and I stop myself from crying again. Why can't I believe that? I quickly get dressed cause I knew the next knock was mom coming to kiss me goodnight. I may not be her favorite, but she tries her best to show me equal affection as daddy makes up for Lily's missed affection. I get nuzzled under my covers and start to drift off. Next thing I know, I hear a very soft knock at the door. This time, it's mom and daddy. They walk over to me with love in their eyes. Oh how I wish I could feel what they feel. They both sit on the bed. They smile down at me. Daddy kisses my forehead and mom rubbed the side of my face. Daddy said, "You're gonna be amazing at school Clover. Your mom and I love you very much." Mom said, "That's right. You and your sisters are truly the light in our lives. You three make us complete." They reached down to hug me. They stood up and daddy said, "Get some sleep kiddo." Mom blew me a kiss and they walked out the room. What they didn't realize is that I was scratching my leg like crazy. Such a loving family, but somehow I can't feel that love...why can't I?