After Love

N

The ending of love is a cruel process. It opens the door to grieving... as if someone so close to you have died. But the reality is, they are still alive. It's you that have died the moment he told you he no longer wants to keep in contact. That message sent shockwaves throughout Vernetta's body. Instead of crying, however, she smiled at the kids that showed her a toy from the bin. She got her heartbroken at a daycare... her job, I guess now she understands why phones aren't allowed at hand in any job setting but after so much trial and error, why did it come down to this? After so many chances, 3 years of on and off and then to completely shut it down... why? Maybe Vernetta did something wrong? Was she just not the best lover? When it does come to love, Vernetta loves hard but not how she expected to be when it came to him. They've been friends for a while, even worked at the same job, and then they went silent throughout the years until they finally spoke again. They were young, even in the end, they were barely adults. And young people do stupid things now and regret later. Did Vernetta regret it? Regret ever meeting him and falling in love so hard even after many times he ghosted her? The truth is... no. Vernetta saw Theodore as the love of her life, she'll just never know if he felt the same way.

Despite being so young, Vernetta knew that she wanted to settle down early. It's a mistake however and since then, wanting to settle down was something that was silent for her. Vernetta is a virgin, even though she and him were very intimate, it never went past that mark. She didn't have the conventional pretty body that boys drool over but that's what made Theodore, in her eyes, a man. He once loved her despite how she looked, loved her despite all her insecurities. Maybe he did that just to get inside her panties, but who would put so much of an effort? Vernetta isn't exactly a peach. No man laid their eyes on her with love... or lust, expect for Theodore of course, lust first... then love. Vernetta didn't know which one should come first, she didn't care at the moment. All she knew was that for her, she loved him. Watching from a distant, she only hopes he did the same, staring at her and hoping to just try and talk to her, talk things out, make it work for fuck's sake. But no... even when she was hospitalized and crying to her best friend, Kelly, about wanting to hear from him after he wanted to cut contact, and then he never reached out after Kelly told him about all that has happened, Vernetta realized he really meant it...

"You broke me." Vernetta sent, crying into her body after begging for a restart. But it's selfish to think that something so beautiful as love can last so long for Vernetta. Her whole family struggles with it regardless, so what makes her any different? It's a curse to be in love and then to get heartbroken but love is such a beautiful thing. Maybe her family didn't care so much for it, but she did. Her desire in life is to be loved and for a moment she had it at the palm of her hands... before it slipped. She went through a stage of vulnerability, having been scammed out of it and money by a lady that fell off the face of the universe. For a moment, Vernetta wanted to fucking kill everyone. The things she has gone through, and she couldn't catch a break. It's like crossing an 8 laned highway, you're bound to get hit so many fucking times and then get back up a couple more. Vernetta didn't want to get up. She dreams of him, despite not thinking of him. She even sees him on the street, driving that silly care she loved so much. It suits him, no matter what others would say.

This all happened between 18 and 21. Vernetta is now 26 and still single, and still a virgin. She finds herself unable to get a single connection with anyone when it came to love. She would have silly crushes that never seem to stay... the truth is, she can never or will never be vulnerable with any man. It's easy though, because no man looked at her in a sense of love or even lust. No matter what she tries on, or what she does, no one really stared at her, and it often made her depressed. So depressed that she would stay home and label it as homebody.

"How could you ever find someone if you're always in your room?" her mother would always ask, however, never pry.

Vernetta would just... shrug. Nothing interest her on the surface but deep down, it was like a war. She couldn't feel it though, but she dreams about it. She dreams about a lot of things, but recently, she's been dreaming more and more about having a child of her own. Maybe it's because she works with many kids in both jobs. She even studied children psychology during her time in school... but deep down, she knew she has always had a maternal heart. So... she often cried and sobbed from a baby that doesn't exist in her... or in her arms. Hell... she doesn't even have a man to help with such that. Adoption or a sperm donor would help wouldn't it? Vernetta would only shake her head; she needs her own child first before anything else and with a man she trusts. She wants to go through the horrid process of carrying the baby in her and then go through the secondary process of birthing them... and then finally watching them grow. She knew it was going to be hard, but she didn't care. She held her empty belly and whimpered once more before falling asleep.

And then it happened... after 5 years, it happened. She dreamed about him... about Theodore.