Random stuff done by a girl ig

smt ig...

🥲

so uh, not the normal stuff that i write at all.

i hated what just happened...

30 mins ago i was getting out of my room to walk around and get back in my room and watch yt. Well my 3rd time going out to the living room, my mother was getting ready to go out and shop for some groceries.

And she confronted me...

Fuck

She told me about how she saw the papers of my recent doctors appointment and saw how my mental health went down by a lot and uhhhh  she told me on why i was think of that certain way.

good job mom, you just ruined your good chance. bc i dont think you dont start a convo like that with a certain tone. 😀

So then she bombarded me with the same question trying to push me into saying what she wanted me to say. Now i do understand her concern over me but like, trying to push a child to tell you about how i feel and having a tone about it make the child uncomfortable and prefers to talk with someone else about it than the actual parent.

Now i did have my reasoning onto why i was feeling that certain way but i just knew that my mother, especially, would push it off and explain that my reasoning wont add up to why i was feeling a certain way. And if you had seen my other chapters on this book, on the very beginning i had some problems with my mother and bc of that, i always new her response, and how she would lecture me about how i complain to much and how other kids are dealing with mush more worse.

AND I HATE FUCKING GUILT TRIPPING.

ITS LIKE MAKING A PERSON THOUGHTS AND FEELING LESS VALUABLE AND HAVING SOME SORT OF A RANGE WHERE SOMETHING TO MUSH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN TOO LITTLE.

WHICH ALL IS IMPORTANT BTW BC NO MATTER BIG OR SMALL, ALL OF IT MATTERS.

AND WHATS WORSE IS IT MAKES THE OTHER FEEL WORSER AS THAT WAY, IT SILENCES THEM AND MAKES THEM THINK THAT THEIR PROBLEMS IS JUST A COMPLAINT AND OTHERS WON'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.

and that's how exactly i felt.

i felt that none of this mattered.

And my mother (again more specifically) would just tell me that all of this is caused because of all the dumb videos i watch and how it influenced me onto thinking that way...

again that pissed me off sm.

its always "Oh, the videos you watch don't teach you anything" and "Is there something else better to do and learn except to watch those dumb videos?"

i only watch them because that helps me escape reality and helps me calm down. My bffs and friends help me too. i talk with them and they make me happy. but new school, new people. I still had some of my old ones, but we were more separated and couldn't see each other often.

but now that my  mother had saw the paper. she thought i was fucking crazy to think shet like that and she even told me in my face. which ruined me even more.

i also had a nightmare hat combined with one of a recent fight.

This was when i came back from school and i had to close the door but i accidentally said no and my mom went all out where i had to actually defend my self from getting hurt, but i failed and she pulled my hair and it was so painful ToT to the point that i heard a pop and she let go. smacking me and left me while my siblings saw in terror.

i remember it vividly, every step and scream.

but when my dream that happened. it was the same thing but there was no reason that my mother decided to do that again to me in my dream. i hid under a small table and started to defend my self from getting hurt, but i didn't see that for some odd reason my mother had a baby and she was on her knees trying to catch me but she slipped. killing the baby in the process. i heard the screams and it scared me to death that when i woke up, i flinched for a sec think my mother was there and defending my self but it was only 2 am and she wasn't there.

Back when i was younger, it was bad but when i grew older, it stopped and it was more verbal then physical. My mom was more of both than my dad. and the summer of 2023, it was pretty bad when i was at mexico. my mom was more physical and verbal that my aunt saw it and she saw how it affected both me and my siblings. She offered to take us out and we went out. tbh i felt better to have a sense of relive and relaxing, than worried about what my mother thought and being pressured. But at that time, it was only my mother and me and my siblings while my father was still at the U.S working. He wouldn't come until early august and so it was 2 months of hell.

the rest was getting better and i felt more better ig.

but when the new changes came, everything went down hill as summer 2024 ruined my relationship between my mother even more that 2023. and i was growing, i was going through some things that i didn't know how to handle. And how my parents viewed me and my bother as we were basically the same age.

then it all leads to now. me writing this story with over 1000 word about me venting...

im sorry, you didn't need to read this ig. i js needed this out and it just happened recently so i wasn't really that motivated to write smt silly. so yeah. hopefully when i get a therapist, i'll get better and hopefully life will take a 90 degree turn.

ig i will cya when i can. take care.

-B.v's (Anaccounttoread10)