unexpected love (Leah Williamson)

Shadows and Light

TW!

Ella's POV

The knife felt heavy in my hand, and I stared down at it, willing my thoughts to be still. My grip tightened momentarily, a quiet, invisible struggle playing out in my mind. I took a deep breath, reminding myself that I was past this, that these thoughts didn't control me. They hadn't for a long time.

But lately, they'd been slipping back into my life, like dark shadows creeping into my periphery. Small thoughts, fleeting but persistent, rising when I was stressed or overwhelmed. I'd been able to push them away, to convince myself that they were just echoes of an old version of me. I had Leah now, a life I was building that made me feel whole, happy. I'd thought that would be enough to keep the darkness at bay.

But tonight, as we were out at dinner with Viv and Beth, I felt the familiar weight settling over me. The restaurant buzzed with life around us, the laughter and chatter of other diners making me feel strangely detached. Leah sat beside me, her hand occasionally brushing against mine, her laughter ringing out as she talked with Viv about their latest match.

I forced a smile, nodding along as Beth told a story about their pre-game rituals. But as the conversation flowed around me, I felt like I was watching it all from a distance, unable to connect. A quiet unease had been building inside me all night, an anxiety that I couldn't explain.

"Ella?" Beth's voice broke through my thoughts, and I blinked, realizing that she was looking at me, concern evident in her eyes. "You okay? You've been pretty quiet."

"Yeah," I managed, giving her a small smile. "Just a bit tired. Long day at the hospital."

Beth nodded, her gaze lingering on me for a moment before she turned back to the conversation, but I could sense she wasn't fully convinced. Beth and I had grown close over the years, and sometimes it felt like she could see right through me. I could feel her gaze flicking over to me occasionally, as if she was picking up on something beneath the surface.

The food arrived, and I focused on my plate, trying to keep my hands steady. I wanted to shake this feeling, to just be present and enjoy the night. But as the minutes ticked by, my mind wandered back to that familiar, unwelcome place. A place I'd thought I'd left behind.

Beth caught my eye again, her brow furrowing slightly as she watched me pick at my food, her usual humor softened by a look I recognized all too well—concern, worry. It felt like a spotlight was suddenly on me, and I fought the urge to shrink under her gaze.

"Hey," Beth said quietly, leaning closer so only I could hear. "Do you want to go outside for a second? Get some air?"

The offer felt like a lifeline. "Yeah, that'd be nice."

We slipped out, leaving Leah and Viv engrossed in their conversation, and walked onto the quiet, moonlit patio. I could feel Beth's eyes on me as we stopped by the railing, the night air cool against my skin.

"You've been a bit off lately," she said gently, her voice soft but direct. "Is everything okay?"

I wanted to brush it off, to tell her that everything was fine, but the weight in my chest made the words stick in my throat. Beth was the last person I wanted to worry; she already had enough on her plate. But standing here, under her patient gaze, I realized how exhausted I was from pretending everything was okay.

"I..." I started, my voice faltering. "I've just... had a hard few weeks. Work's been really intense, and I haven't been sleeping well."

Beth nodded, her gaze unwavering. "And that's it?"

I looked down, my fingers curling around the railing. The shadows felt closer now, the familiar pull in the back of my mind hard to ignore. Part of me wanted to tell her everything, to let it all out, but the shame kept me silent. This was supposed to be behind me.

Beth's hand found mine, and her voice softened even more. "Ella, you can talk to me, you know. I'm not here to judge. Whatever's going on... you don't have to go through it alone."

The kindness in her words broke something open inside me, and I felt the first tear slip down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away, but Beth just squeezed my hand, her presence steady and unwavering.

"I thought I was past this," I whispered, my voice shaking. "But... lately, it's been creeping back. Those... thoughts. And I feel so weak for even letting it get this far."

Beth's expression softened, and she reached out, her hand resting gently on my shoulder. "Ella, that doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. Sometimes these things... they don't just disappear. But you don't have to fight them alone."

A shaky breath escaped me, and I nodded, feeling some of the tension release in her understanding. "I don't want Leah to worry... She's got so much going on, and I don't want her to feel like she has to take care of me."

"Leah loves you," Beth said gently. "And she'd want to be there for you, no matter what. But even if you don't want to worry her, you've got me. Viv. We're all here for you. You're not a burden, Ella. Not now, not ever."

I looked up at her, my eyes filled with gratitude and relief. "Thank you, Beth. Really. I... I don't know what I'd do without you."

Beth smiled, her eyes softening. "You don't have to thank me, Ella. That's what friends are for."

We stood there in silence for a moment, her arm around my shoulders grounding me. The shadows felt lighter somehow, more manageable in the presence of her support. As we eventually made our way back inside, I felt a flicker of hope that maybe, with the help of the people I loved, I could find my way through this—one day at a time.