Some kind of Melancholy...

Living Large, Alone, and...in Denial?

I always arrived home late at night. My car was at the shop, and I didn't really mind walking. I could think about anything without having a worry in the back of my mind thinking I might die while driving. Not that I could die walking, but you get my point.

I had a two story house, way too big for just myself, but enjoyed it. I opened the front door and stepped inside, dropping all my things on the floor as I always did. I didn't have that much furniture or any other junk in my house so it was rarely dirty. The only times it was, was when I had a crazy binge going on, which consisted of three large boxes of pepperoni pizza, a bottle of Coke, a bag of marshmallows, a tub of cookies and cream ice cream, four bars of Hershey's chocolate, two bags of potato chips, three boxes of sour patch kids (extra), and to top it off, one box of junior mints. And all while watching whatever my movie marathon mindset was craving. Of course all that stuff would last me about a week or two. I was not a fat ass. I looked like one. At least I thought. My mom said I had "curves". Yeah, right, if it helps you sleep at night mom, then sure.

But as you can see, it was a few perks of living alone. The only one who makes mess is you, and you can do whatever you want with your mess. I didn't understand why people thought living alone was so terrible. It was great! I loved living alone. Besides, I only spend time at my house at night because I was a non stop working woman. I had shit to do! Speaking of which, I went upstairs to my room to take a shower. I did not want to smell like a sweaty dipshit in front of my favorite band. I decided to use a special shampoo I used...a long time ago...
(QUICK FLASHBACK)
"Wow, you smell nice."
I spun around to find myself staring into the happiest smile I had ever seen. It made me...nervous...
"Oh, um, thanks..."
That smile again. "You're welcome..."
(BACK FROM FLASHBACK)
I shook my head. 'Whatever.' I thought and continued washing my hair. It smelled like rosemary and mint...it did smell nice...

I turned the handle off, stepped out the shower and wrapped a big fluffy towel around me. I absolutely loved fluffy towels. It made me feel...safe for some reason. I walked to my bedroom, changed into a clean pair of dark pajamas, and sat in front of my dresser. I pulled out one of the draws. Inside, tons of makeup I had used and kept as a teenager. I had once been so obsessed with looking so beautiful and perfect like models on TV and in magazines. Now, I couldn't give two shits of how I appeared to people. I never wore makeup. I figured I just didn't need it. I wasn't trying to impress anyone. The only place I went out to was work and the store. No need to get all fancy for people I saw everyday. My face was my face. I didn't need to change it for anyone. If they didn't like it, they could look away and barf their guts out. I went to get my food with the money I worked for. I didn't need to look good for anyone but myself. I figured I looked fine they way I did.

'But,' I thought. 'I don't want to be looking like a fucking homeless prick,' I slowly applied a red lipstick. 'I should at try to look like a professional prick.' I then put on massacre and eyeliner to my eyes and contoured my face at bit then looked in the mirror. Now, I looked more like a whorish prick. I went back to the bathroom and washed my face. I was never properly taught how to apply makeup. In high school I just had friends to put in on for me. I couldn't really ask anyone now...

But it didn't matter. Even if I did manage to apply makeup correctly, I would still look over the top, as I said, I never wore makeup, so people would die if they saw me. I wanted to look as calm and professional as I could in front of Gorillaz. After I finished washing my face, I went back to my room again and got into bed. I pulled the cool sheets over me and fell asleep, dreaming of what tomorrow would bring.

'Remeber,' I thought, 'They're not here to make friends. They're here to perform and that's it. Quit thinking anything special is going to happen you twit!' But deep inside, as I began to fall asleep, I still had a little hope trying to shine through the rest of the darkness called denial.