I Hadn't Anyone Till You - [Susan Grieve - Daisy Kenyon]

Give Me A Reason, I'll Give You Mine

There have been very few moments in my life in which I have felt as if the world had stopped, when something so monumental happened to me that life as I knew it just ceased to exist for a select time. It was honestly quite scary just how long it was taking for her to respond back to me, let alone have any type of reaction towards me. It felt like time was no longer real anymore. We were frozen, neither of us moving an inch, in this exact moment as we stared at each other. Maybe she was as shocked as I was. In any case, her gaze felt more hostile, and just when it seemed that she was going to say something, her posture changed and her eyes left mine, to look to the side of the road in contemplation.

She took a deep breath and sighed out loud. There was uncertainty in those blue irises, I knew it. And she had all the right reasons to say no to me. But then she turned her gaze back to me with a more serious look on her face, yet there were no distinct signs of anger.

─ "We definitely... Have to talk, but now. Not tomorrow, not next week."

There was determination in her eyes and I nodded twice in agreement. She mumbled let's go , and when I least expected it, I was following her back to our street. She didn't wait for me, and I didn't even try to walk on her side to not bother her further in any way, my presence after everything had happened was enough. Yet in this act of audacity that I suddenly had, to actually allow myself to be confronted by Daisy, I started to realize what position I had, in effect, put myself into. Even though we did, truly and undoubtedly, need to share a long conversation of everything that has transpired, in actuality this also then meant that I was probably going to have to tell her the truth... All of it. I was going to have to disclose the true nature of my feelings towards her.

I felt myself going pale as I now stood in the entrance of her apartment, completely petrified and terror-stricken as she was taking off her coat as she simultaneously locked up the front door behind me. The nerves in my body shot up, bringing along an even worse pain than before. It felt as if the cold and frigidity of the outside was now placed inside my body. I didn't even know how I was going to start this conversation now, nor did I know what I was going to say whatsoever. I was desperately wracking my brain thinking of a way, any way that I could completely deviate from the root of the issue that only I and I alone knew about. Yet that means that I would have to lie... Quite shamelessly, and I felt that was an ever bigger task to overcome than speaking alone.

─ "Come in, sit down" She said in a neutral tone, as I just noticed that I was, awkwardly, still standing in the same spot. I couldn't even utter a word, I just followed what she said, as I always did.

I ignored her eyes, as I sat down on one of her comfortable couches, avoiding sitting on the same one she was. Though I quickly realized that she was in the exact spot where we had fallen asleep that night. When that memory was brought back, I became immediately flushed and took my eyes to the fire lit in front of me. I was immensely distressed, so uncomfortable and I hated that I had put myself in this position voluntarily without even realizing what I was actually doing.

Maybe I had been missing her so terribly that my judgment was clouded by the desperate need to be close to her once again, to at least, spend some time near her. My heart didn't think of the consequences, and neither did my brain until now. Yet there was no going back, no way of fixing this issue now, and it was more than clear that this was going to be the last time I was going to see her. I knew it.

Maybe that's why it was so hard for me to speak, because not only did it mean that I was going to have to uncover my secret but, speaking and telling her the truth of what had actually happened meant that we were never going to interact... Ever again. This conversation meant that I was officially going to lose her forever. I thought that I had already processed this loss in my mind and had come to terms with it, but my heart really didn't want to let her go. What if I say I didn't mean to do that, to kiss her? That I don't feel attracted to her? That I was only ashamed and that's why I was ignoring her ? Should I blame it on the alcohol?