I Hadn't Anyone Till You - [Susan Grieve - Daisy Kenyon]

Intensive Care

I don't know what made me wake up, if there had been a noise, if the strong and icy gusts of wind made the windows creak... All I know I had opened my eyes to find a serene and divine Daisy, still sleeping next to me like a delicate renaissance marble statue. I couldn't help but, in my still somewhat sleepy daze, look around quite confused. My eyes caught a part of the window not covered by the drapes and I noticed that the outside appeared to have a gray-ish blue tint to it, indicating that it was nearly sunrise and the sun might come up soon. I felt a headache building up, my body was aching and it felt like a truck had struck me. Though, in the calm time before the sun rises again and everyone takes the day on, I felt at peace, taking in the last few moments of serenity provided by nightfall. Just like a clock ticking, my pulse was steady and regular, my breathing too was smooth and undisturbed, and my mind was full of nothing but clarity. Yet out of nowhere, as if someone had just quickly turned the page of a book, my heartbeats went wild, my breathing became labored, and my mind became cloudy and dark. Finally, it had dawned on me what I had done the previous evening. The realization of the gravity of everything that had happened last night came over me and both the internal and external panic in me was becoming more real than ever. It felt as if my soul had left my body as the sheer amount of fear started to flow and invade me fully.

My breathing became even more erratic as I started to slowly get away from her, trying my hardest to not wake her up. My eyes became blurry as now I picked up my pace, trying desperately to grab my shoes wherever they may be before she could actually wake up and open her eyes. I was in panic mode, I could barely control my hands as they shook from all of the nervousness. All the thoughts coming back to me and the image of her laying next to me was too much to bear, I needed to be on my own.

From the couch to the hallway of my apartment, all of it passed like a blur, like a blip in time. I don't know how I eventually found my heels, how I exited the house without waking Daisy up in the meantime, and how I ran barefoot on the icy snow without slipping and falling on the way to my apartment. As my vision and mind partially became clearer, all I could see now was my reflection in the hallway mirror. My feet were almost red and wet, any longer in those freezing temperatures and I'm sure they would've froze altogether. My fur was hanging down past my shoulders, making most of my upper half cold to the touch, and the bottom of my dress was wet, nearly drenched, from the snow. My hairdo was completely ruined and mascara had run into the creases and down under my eyes as I hadn't stopped weeping since shutting Daisy's door.

I couldn't properly control my body in any sort of way, my breathing or my incessant heartbeats. I was gasping for air as I touched my chest, completely disturbed. I then knew I was having an attack, another panic attack. I made it to the bed as I was desperately trying to calm myself down but it was hard. It's terrifying when you feel that you can't breathe, that your heart can't take it, as if I was about to die out of sheer fear. I would be lying if I said I had never been this scared in my life before. I was all alone, and had no one to reach. It was painful... Extremely painful.

The memory of that kiss had started it all. I knew I shouldn't have done that, Daisy was drunk, and I was tipsy but I should have known better. I was feeling so terribly guilty from what I had done to her. That's why I had to leave her side immediately because I didn't know the consequences that were to come from what had happened if she had awoken. She might remember that we had kissed, she might not, but I couldn't risk anything... I couldn't risk myself or my integrity. I couldn't face her or meet her eyes anymore... I just couldn't.

I felt that everything had now just crumbled before me and I couldn't go on like this. I knew I couldn't pretend that nothing had happened between us last night and I couldn't keep lying to her, falsifying the emotions I feel to make things seem like something they weren't. She didn't deserve what I had done to her nor does she deserve the continued deception. I was nothing but a mistake in her life. The mere thought of her possibly thinking that I had taken advantage of her in a state like that was killing me. I had become what I hated my entire life. I felt dirty, absolutely disgusted with myself. I found myself in the bathtub as soon as I felt I could walk again without feeling pain from my frosty feet. I scrubbed my body, desperate to wash away all the dirt. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't stop the voices in my head that were filling me with horrible thoughts, some of them weren't even true but there was chaos in my head: What if she remembers it all? She probably hates you now, you got her drunk on purpose, didn't you? You wanted this to happen in the first place, didn't you? You were desperate to kiss her... You did it... She's never going to forgive you... You're never going to see her again... You're dead to her... You have to hide, she's going to tell everyone what you did to her... No one is going to talk to you again... Your life is over... Everyone is going to know you're a monster...