Dear Diary

2.

10 December 2004

Was the day I was born... My mother said I caused her no trouble during the birth. It did kinda felt good knowing I wasn't a mishap from day one...

I was named after my great grandmother, possibly the greatest soul to ever exist in the town I lived. It was to the point people would worship her and cry that she is no more... She wasn't an ordinary woman, but a legend... And I was expected to carry the legacy...

How funny...

I'm pretty sure even they might be regretting over this stuff now...

I was one when my grandmother brought me back to town from Dubai... And till now I have no possible explanation why. My grandma said that my mother was an incapable woman and she didn't want her ruining my life and my mother said that there were financial needs of the house in Dubai to be taken care of... But honestly, I don't know...

And that was how my life started... As a fucking juggle between a stereotypical saas-bahu drama.

I don't remember much from my younger days to share, but ever since I started having memory, I really wish every second that I didn't... It's always dark, screaming and sounds of utensils thrown.

My grandparents were a weird couple. Grandma was a hot headed, egotistic freak and Grandpa was a disturbing mix of misogyny, greed for money and control. He didn't like being told to, but does stuff that if done, anybody would end up being bashed, leave scolding. And my Grandma... she wants things done her way...

And what does this equation cause??

"KITLE WALA SANGLA TUMKA BHAIRI BHEEG MAGGU VOCHCHUNAKKACHI, KAAM JATTARI NUTTA GHARA YEVNU MORKA!!! SANGILE BODAKA VACHANA MALLARI?!"

(How many times do I tell you to stop lurking around after your work is done and come home straight away?! Why can't you understand?!)

"HAAV KASAILAI KELLARI TUKKA ITTE, KHANCHAI RANDWE LAGGI VOCCHUNU NIDDANA NAVE HAAV?! TUKKA ITTE?!"

(Why the fuck would you care if I am outside?! Atleast I'm not sleeping around with a fucking prostitute?!)

"THEN WHY TF WON'T YOU?! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THE HOUSE AT ALL, IF THAT IS SO WHY ARE YOU EVEN WITH ME? WHY DID YOU EVEN MARRY ME?! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!"

"BITCH!! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO RUINED MY LIFE?! I NEVER WANTED TO MARRY YOU... IT WAS MY FATHER WHO FORCED ME INTO THIS BULLSHIT!!! IT WAS NEVER MY CHOICE TO MARRY A FUCKING PSYCHO LIKE YOU!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF A TWO FACED BITCH YOU ARE?! YOU HIT MY MOTHER DURING HER OLD AGE!! IT WAS YOUR RELATIVE'S SON WHO IS MY SON'S BEST FRIEND... AND NOW HIS LIFE IS RUINED.... HE'S DOING A MEDIOCRE JOB WITH LITTLE TO NO MONEY.... AND DON'T FORGET IT'S YOUR CHOICE YOU BROUGHT THIS BURDEN HERE... NOT ME!!!!"

"OH WE'RE COUNTING MISTAKES NOW?! THE FIRST EVER MISTAKE WAS YOUR EXISTANCE... THE SECOND EVER WAS THIS MARRIAGE AND THE THIRD EVER IS YOU MARRYING OUR DAUGHTER OFF!!! MOTHERFUCKER, YOU DIDN'T WANT HER TO EARN AND FLOURISH, OUR SON IS TRYING HIS BEST, HIS WIFE IS TRYING HIS BEST TO MANAGE AND NOT A WORD HE TOLD OUR DAUGHTER SO THAT SHE COULDN'T BE BURDENED!!!! BUT YOU DON'T HAVE RESPECT FOR THAT AS WELL!!! YOU KNOW WHAT?! I sincerely hope you die a groveling death and no one even comes to look at your  repulsive face!!!"

"WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME TO DIE?! YOU DIE!!!! MOTHERFUCKING BITCH!!!"

These were the exact same words which were being hurled at each other, while the seven year old me, who didn't even know the meaning of some of those words, would stay under the bed with a stuffed elephant by my side.

Not one day would pass in my house without an argument like this. And it would happen for the smallest and smallest of reasons. Like, forgot to get coriander? Go die... Bills due? Go die... Got a small paper cut?! GO FUCKING DIE.....

It would happen everyday, every fucking day, which turned to months and years. All of us aged but this shit hadn't changed. The only thing, however, that changed was my Grandma's attention going to me... And this caused random body-shaming.

"WHY IS YOUR BELLY OUT?! WHY ARE YOUR BOOBS SO BIG?! YOU'RE ATTRACTING ATTENTION!!! YOU'RE NOT EVEN FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!!! GO FUCKING STUDY!!! ALL YOU DO IS SIT AND EAT OFF OUR RESOURCES LIKE YOUR MOTHER!!"

This was, and still is the one taunt I hear most often. And since then, all I did was sit quietly and endure and endure and endure. Not a word reached my parents fearing I'd see this monster's wrath, and they, along with everybody else lived the illusion of me living a happy life...

It were fights like this that made me have thoughts of running away from age nine. Fights like these that started seeding thoughts like, "They don't care if you leave the house", "Dying sounds much sweeter than this hellhole..."  Fights like these...

That made death sound more tempting than life.

That made me feel like my very own existence was the root cause for everything.

That made crimson my favorite color.

That made me barf at the words love and trust...

That lost me the ability to feel love....

I wasn't a human, but an empty shell right from the start. A toxic workoholic and an even toxic person in life. On the outlook, I was a bright, active straight A student, a role model, a star

But on the inside?

Nothing...

But that was until...

SEVENTH GRADE