The Soul in the Shadows (Shadowhunters ff)

Chapter 4 - Shadows of What We Were

They walked in silence, side by side, with the city's hum filling the quiet between them. Clary's anger had simmered down, leaving behind an odd tension she couldn't quite shake. Words seemed to hang in the air, but neither of them knew how to begin, both too wary to break the fragile peace. Every now and then, she felt Jace glance at her, as if gauging her mood, but she kept her gaze forward, focusing on the patterns the streetlights made on the damp sidewalk.

When they reached her apartment, she fumbled with her keys, feeling suddenly self-conscious about the small, cozy space she called home. She stepped inside first, kicking her shoes off by the door and dropping her bag onto the little table nearby. Jace followed, closing the door softly behind him. The room felt smaller with him in it, the air dense with everything left unsaid.

"Make yourself comfortable," she muttered, aware of how hollow the words sounded.

Jace looked around her apartment with an almost distant curiosity, as though he hadn't seen it before. The room was dimly lit, but the disarray was still obvious-the bed in the corner was unmade, and used cups and plates cluttered the counter. He moved toward the small couch across from her desk, but didn't sit, just hovered there, hands stuffed into his jacket pockets. Clary took a deep breath, leaning against the counter and trying to shake off the nerves that seemed to have taken root in her chest.

It was strange-there had been a time when being around Jace had felt as natural as breathing. But now, everything felt weighted, like they were wading through some invisible barrier that neither of them could break through.

"Thanks for... coming along," she said finally, her voice soft, uncertain.

He nodded, his gaze drifting around the room before landing back on her. "I just wanted to make sure you were safe."

A beat of silence passed between them, then another. Finally, Jace cleared his throat, gesturing toward her bed. "You should get some sleep. You're probably exhausted. I can, uh... sleep on the couch."

"I am, actually. But you don't have to take the couch. I mean... it's your call, but it's not a very comfortable option."

Jace chuckled softly. "The couch is fine. I will not take your bed from you."

Clary nodded, biting her lip. "Here, at least let me get you a pillow. No need to make it worse."

She crossed the room and grabbed one from her bed, tossing it to him with a small, reluctant smile. Jace caught it, his expression softening as he held the pillow close, almost like it was a connection to her. He pulled off his jacket, draping it over the back of the couch, and took a seat, leaning back and letting out a sigh as if he'd been holding his breath this whole time. The sight of him relaxing, even just a little, felt comforting, like the smallest step back toward the way things used to be.

Clary sank into the armchair across from him, tucking her knees up to her chest, feeling oddly vulnerable. For a while, they didn't speak, the silence thick but not unbearable. It was the kind of quiet that held the promise of something more, like they were both waiting for the right moment to reach out, to find their way back to each other.

"So," Jace began after a moment, glancing over at her, "how was it-your night with Simon? I haven't spoken with him much since... since you came back."

Clary managed a small smile. "It was good, actually. Different, but... good. It was nice to feel normal, you know? Just for a while."

Jace's lips quirked into a half-smile. "Not my definition of normal, but sure."

"Yeah, I know," Clary chuckled, glancing down at her hands. "Sometimes I just miss that-miss how things used to be." She hesitated, her voice dropping. "I miss a lot of things."

Her gaze wandered to the framed sketch on the wall, a half-finished landscape she'd meant to complete weeks ago but had never found the time or heart to finish.

Jace's expression softened, and he looked at her as if he wanted to say something, but didn't. Instead, he rested his head against the couch, staring at the ceiling. "It's been... hard, hasn't it?"

Clary nodded, her throat tight. "More than I thought it would be. I feel like I'm always caught between two worlds. Like I don't belong in either one anymore."

Jace didn't respond immediately, his gaze fixed on a point across the room. "You do belong, Clary. It's just... different now. For all of us."

They lapsed back into silence, but this time, it wasn't uncomfortable. The weight of their shared experiences, everything they'd been through, seemed to fill the room, a quiet understanding that didn't need words. Clary yawned, rubbing her eyes, feeling the exhaustion settle deeper into her bones now that she was finally home.

"You should get some sleep," Jace murmured, his voice gentle. "I'm here if you need anything."

Clary rose slowly, grabbing her pajamas from the bed. "I will. Thanks, Jace."

She disappeared into the bathroom to change, but her mind lingered on his presence, feeling an odd flutter in her chest. It was strange. They'd shared rooms countless times, but tonight, the simple fact of his nearness felt different.

When she returned, Jace had made a makeshift bed on the couch, his leather jacket pulled over him as a blanket. His feet hung off the edge, looking entirely too big for the small space, yet somehow, he looked peaceful there. As she crossed the room, she became aware of how exposed she felt in her checked pajamas, as if her guard was lowered just by being in his presence.

"Haven't seen those before," Jace chuckled, nodding toward her outfit.

Clary rolled her eyes, feeling her cheeks warm. "There's a reason for that."

Jace's smile faded, and for a moment, he looked like he wanted to say something. He started to rise, then hesitated, caught between movements. "I'm... I'm sorry.".

She bit her lip, not sure what to say. "It's just... a bit weird having you here," she admitted, staring at the floor in front of her.

He nodded, his gaze fixed on her face, searching. "I can leave if it makes you uncomfortable."

"No!" She said it so quickly that it surprised her. She took a shaky breath, glancing up at him. "I want you here, Jace."

He looked at her, and for a moment, she glimpsed a familiar vulnerability in his eyes, a softness that she hadn't seen in so long. Slowly, he rose to his feet, his movements hesitant as he opened his arms, as though offering something fragile. Without thinking, she stepped into his embrace. It felt natural, like finding her way back home after being lost. His familiar scent-a blend of soap, smoke, and leather-wrapped around her, grounding her in the moment. His arms were steady, but his touch was gentle, almost as if he feared she might slip away if he held her too tightly. Gradually, he lowered his head, resting it against hers, breathing her in like a memory he wanted to keep.

She pulled back after a moment, her hands lingering on his chest. For a brief second, their gazes met-an unspoken understanding passing between them, a flicker of the connection they had once shared. The weight of it settled in the space between them, heavy but tender. Clary lowered her eyes, her breath catching in her throat, the lingering warmth of his touch a reminder of all they had lost and all that still remained.

"Goodnight, Jace," she whispered, her voice softer than before.

"Goodnight, Clary," he murmured, watching her with that intensity that made her feel both grounded and adrift.

Clary crawled into bed, pulling the covers up around her shoulders. An odd sense of comfort settled over her, something she hadn't felt in a long time. Knowing Jace was here, close but not too close, gave her a sense of peace she hadn't realized she'd needed.

As she closed her eyes, her last thought was a quiet hope that maybe, just maybe, they could find their way back to each other. Or at the very least, that she could finally start feeling whole again.