Coffee, Books, and Bad Decisions: Merry Christmas

01/12: an offer

Today is officially December. I should have bought myself an advent calendar. Being an adult really is no fun, so I should have done at least that. I look at my window. It is grey outside. I guess we are going to spend another Christmas period without snow, and wait until January or February to get frozen by minus degrees. 

I can still hear the TV in the background, reporters, another war, another climate catastrophy happening in other countries. News really are depressing. I turn the TV off. I look around, and see how messy my place is. This place is almost as depressing. I sigh. I look at the time, I am early. I could have time to tidy all that. I could clean this place properly another day. I start grabbing clothes from the ground and I shake them one by one to make sure dead skin and hair are almost completely gone before I can put it in the washing machine. I go to the bathroom and realise it was already filled with clothes. Shit! I take a deep breath, then throw the ones I had in my arms on the sink. I leave for my desk and take the paper, pens, and all sorts of things together. I find used mugs and spoons. I sigh, realising how tiring these living conditions are. I really should force myself to at least put that in the sink. I go to the sink, it is full of plates and dishes. I roll my eyes and sigh. I just give up and go to my small living room again. I take the trash and open my trash can. It is full too. "Are you fucking kidding me?" I let out, pissed. I take the trash bag and close it, then take another trash bag. I fill the new one with all sorts of things. then I take it downtairs, and throw it in the common trash place of the appartment building. I go to work, wishing this day would be over soon.

I gave up university a few years ago. At that time, I was entering my third month in my master degree. But the weight of life was too much, so I gave it up... I know I should not have gave that up, especially as a woman, but I could not stop myself from that decision. I could not continue either. I think about it as a loop since three years... My grief is not done yet...

I had so much that could come ahead after obtaining that diploma. I could have done so much... But I did not. No one wanted to take me for a well paid job because I had no work experiences in their fields. What was I suppose to do? I spent my life working and studying. Of course I could not work in high demanded fields. They refused to take students anyway.

"Hey Eleanor!" I get out of my thoughts as I notice my manager calling me. "Do you not hear when people call you?" She is ready to yell at me. Great. And I mean 'great' ironically. They have little knowledge and power, but being 'higher' ranked makes them feel all powerful over you. "You were supposed to go on break ten minutes ago. Go take it, you are making all the breaks latening because of that. I hope you are happy."

"Geez, calm down. I'm going." I let out, jadded.

"What did you just say to me."

I sighed, knowing arguing would not do any good. "I will go one my fifteen minutes break."

"Five minute break. You took too much time to go there."

I take all my will not to rip her face and take a breath. I look at the clock and walk in the store, trying to join the breakroom as soon as I could. Customers tried to ask me for help or complain about the store on the way, but I could not take it any longer. I was polite and told theme where to find the information they all needed but left. I sat on the rough chair, the very uncomfortable chair in the breakroom. Gosh I hate this job. Some people were on break, older than me. They espect me to greet them as if I was the one who had to do it. Those assholes always come to work after me, are better paid than me, even though I work more and faster, they walk near my checkout and store aisles where I am and never say hello. Fuck those guys. I mean, older women. I take my phone out and headphones, ignoring them. I am not paid enough for that teenager bullshit behaviour form 50 years old or more.