HER THOUGHTS..

02

"Blade?
It didn't even hurts,
When compares to the words"

..........
..........
9-years old;
I am now 9.
But I still feel so small.
In front of them. 
They are so bad.
They talk bad about me.
Saying am ugly.
Am I??
I keep asking my self the same question from yesterday.
I girl in my class says I am ugly, I don't have beautiful hair like them, I don't have happy life like them,, they even call me shorty,
But I saw girls shorter than me,
I feel insecure-
They have much fancy clothes,
They belong to a rich family,
While, I belongs to middle class family,
Should I feel ashamed for that,
But my mum said we should be happy for what we are.
But what about people,
Should we just listen to them with our head down,
Instead of taking stand over those higher class people.
Mum said that we are no one to do that,
Living out of country,
And that's how it felt.
But I love in here.
I hear so many bad things about my home country.
And that's really so disgusting of people to do that things.
I feel happy here.
I feel protected,
But not every time-
Only if you know'
Only if you are a girl.
But I still love in here.
Some people's nature's so good, but not everyone-
People really really judge me,
Mostly from my school.
But I love that school,
And no one will find such a beautiful school,
Might not be much beautiful for interior, but for the people in there,
So polite,
So happy,
So kind,
But there are still some who likes to judge people like they own the school,
And I hate that things about people.
Am I too judgy, or what??
I think I speak I little too much for my liking,
That's what my father says,
He says that a girl shouldn't speak too much,
And should be quiet, or people will hate you,
Will not talk to you,
Will be too much judgy towards me,
And I think that's why everyone hates me.
But not my best friend.
I love her.
She is so polite,
Beautiful,
Intelligent,
Perfect for every teacher to like her,
Un like me.
I think I do a little too much of overthinking,
I saw the time;
It's 12:41.am,
No wonder I do really think too much.
I think I should sleep.
Whole family is slept.
Except me:(
I feel lonely...

Morning;;

What a time I wake up at,
05:57,am.
We are late for school,
I hear horns outside,
The driver's there,
I hate him,
And i don't why.
I tried waking my brother up,
Why is he always so lazy he slept at 10.
I go to my parent room, to Wake them up,
The room was locked,
I keep knocking,
No one opens the door,
I get ready for school,
I saw my brother coming out of the room.
I ask him if he could wake parents up because they aren't responding,
And he did.
But they didn't open the door,
He too went to get ready,
Suddenly I remember that little brother too is going to school now,
We just admit him last year.
I knock on parents room again,
To ask about of little brother will go to school or not,
It had be okay if we go to school all hungry,
With a little hope, I knock again'
And this time with just one knock they open the door.
I took a breath of relief,
We will not go to school Al hungry,
Suddenly the emotion relief turns into shock one,
I look up a saw father,
He just slapped me,
In the early morning,
Ruining my mood.
I ask "is mom awake, I want to ask her something",,
In a low voice,
I didn't shout,
Because now I am habitual of this random and sudden slaps,
He say "she is sleeping, ask me whatever you wants to ask, and don't you have shame, knowing your parents are slept, why the hell do you keep knocking"
"Is little brother going to school?,, I just wanna ask that, because driver is waiting outside",,
I replied-
"Huh!!??, the driver is outside waiting? If than what the hell are you doing in here. In front of me, go sit in the car,, poor driver, don't know for how much time he might be waiting for".,,he said.
"I don't want to go alone can I go with brother?"
I said.
The driver is so weird,
He will keep staring at me,
He even make me sit in passenger seat,
Even when i refused to.
I did try to tell my parents about that,
But they said that, it's just me overthinking,
They trusted him but not me,
Just because he is being our driver for almost 5 years.
Some people can't really be trusted,
And he is one from them.
...
I sat in the car alone waiting for my elder brother to come,
I can literally feel his gaze on me,
Which is disgusting,
I hate that feeling,
I don't know it's just feel so bad,
Like I feel so insecure,
Dirty,
All revealed.
Some time I feel like I need some help.
Am I too young for that?
I think yes!
I do am!
But no one's even believe me,
I even tried cutting my thig-
It was painful,
But it did give me relief,
I think I will do that often,
And the pain was better,
Then the dirty stares,
Slaps,
And words,
And whatever'
I think I really do need help,
And I don't know who's gonna help me?..
Am I really that bad??
And than suddenly the car stops,
We reached at school,
I am so excited to meet my best friend,
And to tell her how I am shifting near school,
Am really gonna get freedom from the ugly driver,
And I think that's the only thing I am happy for.
...
Am in the class waiting for my friend to come,
She hasn't reach yet,
Teacher had already come,
We started our lesson,
She still didn't came.
Is she okey??,
She might have slept late,
That's why she hasn't came.
It's okay'
We can talk tomorrow,
.....
The whole day was boring without her,
It's finally home time,
We are going to pack our bags today.
And am excited to do that,
Shouldn't I?
......
The driver's early today!?
I think it's okay we will reach home soon,
Just than I get to know that it's only me going today,
The guard said my father has already pick my brother up for work.
It's okay? Right?
Now I am sitting in the car at the back of drivers seat,
He used to told me to sit at front with him.
I refused to.
Didn't I did good?,
But today there was some new students at the back seat,,,
So I told one of them to sit at front.
But they refused saying how can she sit at front,
She seems like she is some 12 years old.
She have her younger brother, who I think is 5,
And a younger sister, who seems to be 6-7,
I ain't sure,
And one old student, who just came today,
Making my luck bad...
So I decided something I shouldn't-
So silly of me'
Isn't it?
I sat at the passenger seat.
To regret the decision for my whole life.
I was quit.
Looking out if the window.
Trying to ignore his intense gaze.
Am getting bad feeling.
He dropped everyone,
Now it was me remaining,
And I blame it all to father-for buying house far from the city,
Suddenly-
I flinch.
Feeling something on my thigh.
It was his hand.
I try moving a little side.
He holds my thighs a little tighter,
From the place where I hurt my sel-
I felt the sharp pain.
I tried speaking.
But I feel like my voice was stuck at the center of my throat.
I saw my vision getting blurry because of my own tears.
His hands move a bit up to my waist.
Rubbing it.
While I tried to move away.
His eyes were on the road but not his mind,
Am scared.
That it might be my last day-

"Here is the second chapter"
Hope u gonna like it''""