Night Before Dawn

6. The Decision

It's been three days since the night I met Asia. Within those three days not only did I find a way to blow through 1k, but I was left alone with my thoughts and bed rotting. I already know my financial habits are poor but who would have ever guessed the first 1k I ever touched would be gone like that. Whole time the things I spent money on wasn't things you could visibly see, I got Brooklyn some more pullups and a kiddie painting kit, but everything else was just paying off credit cards.

Staring at the white ceiling in my room I felt myself growing more stressed and disappointed, Yeah, I still had that $310 dollar check from McDonalds but how the hell is that supposed to stretch if 1k can't? At the end of the day how long can I blame myself for my environment. Interrupting my thoughts my phone abruptly vibrated. It was Nia calling me.

Just like how it's been three days since I last saw Asia, it's been 3 days since I last spoke to Nia. I felt conflicted but knowing the time that has passed it might have been something important. Hesitantly answering the facetime call I notice Nia was lying in bed while Brooklyn napped beside her. Although I saw my baby at nothing but peace, I still felt like I could not be myself around Nia.

"Hey stranger..." Nia's brown eyes expanded as she saw my tired face on the call.

Already growing irritated at her remark my best solution was to not feed into that. Even though she was the mother of my child, I am now realizing how she truly views me. For that, I am now incapable of showing her how I feel. I can no longer be vulnerable with this woman. The conversation already growing stale with no response we just stared at each other.

"Jamar... I'm not going to apologize for what I said because I full heartedly stand by it." She began her statement firm but slowly starting to go back on her words. Still not responding she let out a sigh of disappointment.

"Please be mature about this, we can still coparent and have a good partnership along with friendship. There's no need to be-"

"There's no need to be what, Nia?" I calmly yet irritably interrupted her.

Silence filled the gaps of the call. Although we both were too hurt to speak there was more than a million words I could say. All of them regarding how sorry I am that I can never be enough for her. I faced the camera to the ceiling as I felt my warm brown eyes form a tear. All I want to be is more than good enough, I want to be the best. Brooklyn and Nana are the only ones I have left, and I can't even buy them a shirt to wear on their backs.

"Keep it a bean Nia, I hear you loud and clear and if that's what it's going to be, then I only need to hear from you when it's about Brooklyn. Stay safe and tell princess that I love her." I angrily grasped my phone while Nia groaned.

"Jamar it is not that seri-"

After clearly hanging up on her she called a few more times and all of those times I watched. Realizing I was not going to pick up the phone she texted me.

Nia: "And when you're done acting like a fucking child, call me."

I needed to get away from this, but where can I go if there is nowhere else other than here? I dragged myself to the bathroom again and found myself looking in the mirror once again. I am a shell of someone who I never knew. My beard was now patched, my taper was growing uneven and lopsided. My clear skin was now bumpy. If this is what rock bottom feels like I don't know how much longer I have left.

Dark thoughts flooded me as I stared into my tear-filled eyes, I rubbed my now shaking hand through the naps of my hair.

"Pull yourself together." I reinforced as I opened up my contact list, I now know what I have to do.

My phone glaring the "Gold Star" contact name back into my sorrowful eyes. Right now, it felt like I was about to make a deal with the devil himself. This is the only way out though this was all I was seeing. Asia offering me a hand while I am drowning in my sea of trouble. No one can save me but myself. So, I'm going to take that chance. Hesitantly pressing the phone call icon my stomach sank watching it ring.

"Hey chocolate drop, you just crossed my mind." I could hear how delighted she sounded. Her voice still was enough to give me butterflies.

"Asia..." Her name was all I could utter.

"Get it out handsome...I know you called me for a reason."  she spoke to me softly and for once it felt like she cared more than any woman in my life.

"I'm not sure if I'm saying this because of what, but I need you, Asia. I need you like you need me and-"

"Hush chocolate drop, we'll discuss this more in person. I'll see you tonight at 11."

She then hung up the phone and just like that, I realized I now had association with a drug operation. It was too late to be fearful, it now came time to step up. My mind traced back to Jamir and then I suddenly realized this isn't the right path. I can't say I won't make the same mistakes that he did because he hid that part of his life from me.

Glancing back in the mirror I realized it was either this lifestyle, or death. Sometimes I wonder if it was ever meant for me to even succeed. Was life always this stressful? I can't even call Shizz, I'm too unsure of his reaction. He told me to get Nia back and it seems like that one objective will forever be out of grasp. Nana's health isn't improving, no one is willing to hire someone with only 2 years of work history at McDonalds.

What more is there for me to really do? What more can I accomplish? That answer still remains unknown. I wiped my tears of frustration and swallowed my fear. As my late mother once told me and Jamir.

"God will never give us something we can't handle."

And with that, I waited for tonight.