The Story of My Life

Future

I have so many plans for my future. I dream of becoming a psychologist because I want to help people. I want to show those who feel lost, who have lost all hope, and who have been disappointed by the world and people, that there's still a way out. I want to show them that it's okay not to be perfect, and that there's always a chance to get back up.
I've also built another dream: I want to earn a lot of money to make a real difference. I want to help those who don't get help, those who don't fit into systems or who have no support. I want to be able to give people a chance they deserve and show them that there is still hope, no matter how hard things seem right now.
But these plans—these big dreams for my future—seem so far away when I live with all this sadness and pain inside me. I try to look ahead, try to believe that everything will get better, but the darkness that surrounds me makes it almost impossible. How can I help others when I don't even know how to deal with my own feelings? How can I change the world when I can barely understand myself?
Every day I struggle with the bullying at school. The constant insults, the pressure, the fear. And at home? It's no better. My family, especially my mom, is disappointed in me. I know she doesn't say it openly, but I can see it in her eyes. I can feel that she doesn't understand why I feel the way I do. Why I am the way I am. Why I can't just be "normal." I know she's turning away from me, disappointed in me, in my choices, in the fact that I'm not the person she wanted me to be.
And then there's my dad. He's gone. Just disappeared. It feels like everything that was once stable and secure has shattered. I can't even talk to him. It hurts so much. I never really got the support I needed. And now, without him, I feel even more lost, even more alone.
I can't really talk to anyone. It feels like no one understands what's going on inside me. No one sees how hard it is to live with this pain every day, with this constant feeling of loneliness and confusion. How can I achieve my dreams? How can I make them come true when I'm stuck in this place, feeling so broken? At this point, I've even stopped pursuing my hobby, something I had so much talent in, something I had trained for eight years. I used to love it, it was my escape, my joy, but it became too hard to keep going when everything around me felt so wrong. The weight of everything—my sadness, my confusion—took away my passion. I gave it all up. And now, I find myself giving up on my dreams too.
I used to dream of becoming a psychologist, of helping people, of showing the world that it's wrong to treat others badly, to be cruel, to judge. I still want that—so badly. I still want to help people, to be the person who listens, who makes others feel seen and understood. I want to show the world that kindness and empathy are what truly matter. I want to make a difference.
But the more I try to hold on to these dreams, the more I feel like it's slipping away. How can I help others when I can't even help myself? How can I be the person I want to be when I'm drowning in so much pain and confusion? It feels like every step forward I try to take is met with two steps back. The world feels so heavy right now, and I can't seem to find a way to escape from it.
I still hope, though. I still hope that, one day, I'll be able to pull myself out of this darkness and start walking toward the future I want. I want to be that person who helps, who gives others the chance to feel better, to feel loved, to feel worthy. But right now, I'm stuck. And I don't know how to break free.
I just want to be okay again. I want to believe that I can do this. I want to believe that despite everything, I can still make my dreams come true. I want to help people—because that's all I've ever wanted to do—but sometimes it feels like it's just too much. I don't deserve this hate. No one does. Every day, it feels like the weight of the world is pressing down on me, filled with anger, pain, and misunderstanding. But I never asked for this. I never asked to be treated like I'm worthless. I never asked to feel this way. And yet, here I am, struggling with a kind of hatred that doesn't belong to me, a hatred that was forced upon me by others and by circumstances beyond my control.
No one deserves to be treated with cruelty, to feel like they're less than. No one deserves to be made to feel like they don't belong, like they aren't worthy of love, of kindness, of respect. We all deserve peace, acceptance, and compassion, no matter who we are or what we've been through. I may feel broken and lost right now, but that doesn't mean I deserve to be filled with hatred or to be cast aside.
I've had enough of carrying around this anger, this pain, that was never meant to be mine. I just want to be free from it. I just want to be able to feel like I matter, to feel like I'm good enough the way I am, without the weight of judgment and hate from the world around me.
No one deserves to be told they're not enough, that they don't belong. We all deserve to be loved for who we are, to be accepted for our flaws, for our struggles, for everything that makes us who we are.
I want to believe that one day, I'll find my way out of this darkness. I want to believe that the hate I feel won't define me forever. I want to believe that I can let go of the anger that's been built up inside me, and learn to love myself again. Because I don't deserve this hate. And neither does anyone else.