Loving Can Hurt

Oct 30, 2024

"As harsh as it may sound, you're just not my age group."
That was three weeks ago.
And it fucking hurt when he said, well wrote, that.
I would've changed for him. My looks, my behaviour, anything— but my age? That was the one thing I was afraid he would say— that I'm too young. Because my age is the only thing I can't do anything about.
I can't change it. I need to accept it but why is it so goddamn hard?
Before, I used to get butterflies, high pulses and an inevitable smile on my lips whenever I spotted him in school.
Now I'm still scanning my surroundings, just to feel a by now very familiar sting in my stomach and chest.
It still hurts, it hurts so goddamn bad. I just want this pain to end. But it won't and I can't change it. I need to get over it, somehow forget it, forget him. But it's hard.
Why does love hurt so much? Was this even love or just a stupid crush?
Why won't he leave my thoughts for even a goddamn minute?
I know I shouldn't actively look out for him. I don't even know why I do. Is it longing for him? The blue of his eyes? Or the hope of feeling those old butterflies replacing the sting in my chest once again? I should stop that— looking out for him I mean—, it just makes things worse and will do me more harm than good in the end but I can't.
I hate this. I hate myself for not being able to accept it and move on instead of keeping longing for him.
I just want somebody to love me unconditionally, someone to hold me when I need it, to catch me when I fall. And it hurts to know that it's not going to be him.
Will I ever find somebody like that? Somebody who truly loves me? Somebody whom I don't have to be afraid of hurting or leaving me? I don't know. And if I don't keep fighting against this goddamn pain, I'll give up the chance of ever finding out.