Loving Can Hurt

Nov 12, 2024

"You need to move on, forget him", is what my friends always tell me, hell that's what I think myself. But how could I ever move on? How could I forget him?
By forgetting him, I would've to forget how proud I was when I finally grew the pair to talk to him. By forgetting him, I would've to forget the countless hours I laid on my bed, thinking about him and feeling a tingle and an easiness flowing through my whole body. I would've to forget all those nights in which the mere thought of him kept me awake and smiling widely. And I would've to forget his eyes.
Those blue orbs in which I feel myself getting lost every single time they meet my mine, however long, or short for that matter, that may be. His eyes are like an ocean, the only one which I would swim in for hours. The only ocean I wouldn't be afraid of drowning in, because I know it's his ocean.
I would've to forget quite a lot that made me feel good for those past weeks. But I could also forget the negative feelings.
The painful longing I still feel every day, not only for him but for somebody to hold me in general. The thoughts about nobody loving me and me being unlovable.
I'm giving myself the fault in messing things up, even though I know there was nothing to mess up in the first place. But it's my fault anyways, I always mess everything up.
But the worst are all those questions. All those 'whys', those 'what ifs'. All those questions without an answer. At least, without the true ones.
I really need and want those questions to end. Now it's not the smile on my lips keeping me awake, it's the tears rolling down my face when thinking of him and wondering about so many things.
I cannot sleep anymore, my focus in school has left me completely and my thoughts are driving me crazy.
I need clarification. I need a clear 'yes' or 'no' before I can move on. It will hurt like hell, but I will manage. I'll be able to cope with it. I've got my friends and family (and a therapist) after all.