Love In Music (AMBW)// Under Construction\\

Downwards Spiral

Tati pov

For days I sat not eating not moving. Hating myself for what I used to be. Hating myself for what I am now. Every time I looked outside there would be a mob of reporters waiting. Waiting to ask me about what I feel and what I have to say.

I would probably tell them that I hate myself. Then lie and say I'm happy for them. Happy that the guy I love has a new girl. Someone better than me. Someone who can make him happier than I can. Someone who can keep him smiling.

I hated myself for that. For being insecure, suicidal, and easy to walk over. Every time I let someone in I end up getting hurt. It's just a repeating cycle for me.

I stood up from the couch staring at mess of my home. Tables were flipped glass was everywhere. A whole in the wall from where I had thrown my phone. Slowly I'm losing myself. I know it's happening but instead of stopping it I'm letting it continue.

I walked into the bathroom. Stepping in glass in the process. I could Hardly feel the pain. Looking down blood pooled at my feet. I lifted my foot wiping the glass off my foot the. Continuing into the bathroom.

Staring at myself in the mirror the self pity began to set in. I hated myself and also pitied myself. My eyes had lost any sign of joy and happiness, my hair messy and dull, my body heavy and weak from lack of sleep. I made myself this. I had become this. I can't even recognize myself anymore.

Picking up the pair of scissors I just stared at them. I wanted to end it all now. But I knew I deserved to suffer. This was my fault. For letting people hurt me so easily. For letting people fool and trick me so easily. Because in the end I'm alone.

Placing the silver blade on my wrist I added pressure. My heart raced as blood slowly began to draw as I slide it across my wrist. Tears dropped onto my bloody wrist. Pressing my back to the door I sank to the ground.

Tugging at my hair I cried and cried. I didn't cry because I was hurt. I didn't cry because I was alone. I cried because I was actually close to killing myself again. But my instinct to live stopped me. A little more pressure and I would have bleed out. Then there was a pounding at the front door.

Going over I looked through the monitor. The BTS members except JungKook and my manger stood there at the door. Open the door they all pleaded as i stepped back staring at it.
The image of my mother banging on the basement door when I was smaller replaced the one I was seeing now. Slowly I stepped backed. Watching as the door shakes. Open the door they called out just as she did. But I didn't see that. I only saw the gray walls of the basement and that single white door. The single light hanging from the ceiling.

I could hear the rain pelt against the basement window. My back hit the wall. Open this door she screamed. Slowly I sank to the ground covering my ears. Tears leaked down my face. Stop it I said shaking my head. The pounding continued. Stop it I cried out. It continued louder and harder. Stop it I yelled out and It paused. For a moment I felt safe. Sweetheart mom's sorry she said in the nicest voice possible. I stood making my way towards the door.

My hands trembled as I stared at the door knob. If I opened it I would get hurt again. I loved my mother. I just didn't want her to hurt me. Then the pounding began again. This time as I stared at the door it was my apartment. The pounding had stopped but they were still their. I didn't know what to do.

I'm was so confused. Rushing into the kitchen I searched for my medicine bag. Once I found it. I began searching for my medicine. I downed four of the red pills and took a seat on the tile floor. I'm losing my mind I thought as I leaned my head on then outside of the oven. Slowly the world began to get blurry. I tried to fight it and keep my eyes open, but I couldn't and I fell into sleep.

Kim Minju pov (psychiatrist/therapist)

I stared at the eight people in front of me. One being her manager and the other eight young boys who seemed to be very worried. One particularly more than the others. Tati suffers from PTSD. PTSD is mental health condition triggered by experiencing or seeing a terrifying event. When she was younger her mother abused her blaming her for her father leaving and never coming back. This resulted In self harm and self hate. Then when she was thirteen she attempted suicide due to bullying and stress I explained making the youngest boys eyes go wide.

Although she lost bits and pieces of her memory she still remembers most of her childhood before she was adopted and some of her preteen years. Although she may not remember she can still trigger the feelings or scenery causing her to hallucinate as if it is happening again. Such things as photos smells sounds and similar settings can cause her to have a flashback of the event I explained once again making the youngest boys eyes go wide.

Can it happen in a dream asked the youngest. The boy asked causing all eyes to fall on him. Yes it can I said and he ran a hand through his hair. The only thing we can do at this point is find some way to get her out of that apartment and into a hospital. All of the boys stood nodding determined looks on there face.

They bowed walking out. JungKook I called out and the youngest boy turned. I waved him over. Going into my file cabinet I pulled out a jar filled with notes she wrote. She started writings these on the day she first met you I said handing him the jar. He bowed leaving the room. With the jar in his arms close to his heart. The only one who can get her out of this state is him. I thought to myself taking a seat.