Burst of Colors in a World of Gray

Chapter 1

(A/N: This story is partially base on real life and partially fictional)

Chapter 1:

"I love people... yet I hated them at the same time..." utter the thoughts of Amanda Esther Fantasia.

Laying down in bed in 3AM in the morning, scrolling through her facebook feed after months of not opening it and uninstalling the app. According to some strange research from random videos in youtube, in order to get rid of insecurities and feeling negative about yourself you have to stop comparing yourself to other people and also to get rid of relationships that are hurting you.

That's exactly what the purple haired girl did, by getting rid of facebook, unfollowing, avoiding and muting people that made her sad or angry. Though right now, she has to open it for school purposes to watch a video for online assignments. That just happens to be on Facebook. When she opened it, she immediately saw some old friends, classmates and relatives. But what made her pink eyes fueled with range is to see some old friends finding new friends, completely forgetting about her. Her rivals prospers, such as having jobs, having the highest honors in class, and having money to go out. Her relatives, as always didn't invite them to their little get togethers. 'sigh, life is unfair'

"Tch, they are not fun to be around with anyways. I would rather be in a hot small house with some cool people, than being with a jerk rich people in a cold big VIP room." She muttered.

True she hates people, except for the people she cared about. Such as her family and best friends. According to research too, you should only love, care and help other people who accepts you for who you are. Who never makes you feel bad about yourself. You are your own boss.

That's how Amanda Esther Fantasia viewed the world...

Unfortunately, for some reason it was short-lived for her. Whenever she finally have friends to hang out with. They either grow distant or literally ended up moving in a distant city. Why God?

The lady stretches her body, as she finally finished her online assignment. Excitedly yet reluctantly cleaning her room. Loving the peaceful rainy atmosphere she gets to have. Her family are still away from home, so she has the house for herself without any interruptions. Opening her tab and grab her stylus, drawing the story that she has been working on for a while. Usually she writes fanfictions, but now she's drawn to write original story. So she can finally own her own story and get all the credit. Amanda felt her introverted and artistic self screaming out of excitement. Sipping her coffee, while enjoying the cool temperature from the rain instead of the scorching heat of the sun in the Philippines.

That's always been Amanda's life, joy in solitude.

Amanda Esther's POV:

Many people find it strange and a bit selfish. But I don't care. THIS. IS. MY. LIFE and "You only live once.".

I'm not gonna waste it to the people who doesn't know me well and pretends that they care. Nobody knows me better but myself. I make my own decisions. Even if I'll ended up being alone.

It's always been that way for me. I used to love spending time with people and make them happy. But all of the sudden, that love dies down. Not only because people disappoint me, but it just disappears. If I can be harshly honest, I don't care about people's suffering, they're not gonna help me when I needed them and my kindness for them  will never be returned.

Maybe because... I no longer trust them. I've been through bullying and betrayals. What makes it worse is that I struggled with social awkwardness and anxiety, sometimes I'm convinced that I have autism spectrum. There's something wrong and broken about me. Always left out in the group, can't connect nor interact well.

Yes, which is why I would rather be alone and escape in the world of fiction. Where I can just draw and write the realities I wanted. It's my escape.

People are not worth the energy anyways. I would rather be alone, while achieving my goals of being a published comic artist. That's my purpose in life.

I'm even excited to leave this house. Where no one tells me what to do. Ill be living on the mountains, work as an artist and writer there. While doing part time jobs if that wasn't enough for me to live.

TIMESKIP

4 hours has passed, I finally finished another few chapter. Im almost done, that im close to finishing this book. It's 4PM, which means my family are gonna be home soon and possibly become chaotic. My dad's temper, bro's annoying antics and mom's... well umm... nothing! shes good! They're all good :)

Well better enjoy this peace while I still can.

I look out in the window, watching the rain slows down till it stops. I cant help but think "Now what?"

Sometimes I wonder what life is all about? I do know God, but I don't really trust the Bible fully. I mean there's got to be more than this...

Then I felt my insides feel sad out of nowhere...

I mean, I've always been fine. Im not sad, I live a good enough life compare to those who are less lucky than me. My life is wonderful. Im all about staying positive, live life to the fullest, make your dreams come true and I am the master of this life. That's what im all about. What really matters is what makes me happy...

But sometimes I feel sad and empty out of nowhere, like something's wrong. Like there's an unfillable hole in my heart.

Some people call it depression, that occasionally strikes. Some say it's just a chemical reaction to your body. Some say that you need to go to the therapist. Some people say, you're just worried or something's wrong with your life. Or some even say, they're under spiritual attack with negative energies.

Which I agree with all of them. Which is exactly why I kept crystals and meditate to protect myself from those attacks. Also just to allow myself to cry and feel sad till it's gone.

Maybe... it really is the uncertainty in life... something's missing...

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Matthew 6: 19-21

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, 20 but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."