NOVEMBERS - finding solace in Mumbai...

BETWEEN THE ROADS

" May I have your attention, please. Train number 17412, Mahalaxmi Express, departing from Kolhapur to Mumbai Central, had arrived at Platform 2. Thank you.", the annoying voice boomed over the loudspeaker. I woke up with a start, my neck stiff and my mouth dry. "Ugh, seriously? Another six hours on this bloody train?" I groaned, rubbing my eyes. I'd dozed off, lost in some random thought, probably about life, love, and the meaning of it all. Classic me. I peeked out of the window to check the station. There was a crowd everywhere in the station. People were rushing here and there looking for their train, family, luggage.

I was at Pune Station. Pune station. Same old, same old. People rushing, shouting, pushing. The usual chaos. The station's vibe was more of a lonely type. While many people slept while waiting for their train to arrive, some of them were still awake from long not missing a chance to see the arrival.

Arrival... or actually the return. The train often travels to this place, maybe just this time the people who were waiting will be different. Similar to an athlete, who returns to his home after winning a medal. SAME TRAIN BUT DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE. Perspective being People, Home being Station and Athlete being the Train. Trains came and went, same old story, different passengers. It was like watching a rerun of the same movie, but with a new cast. Who knew I had this in me? I'm a poet, a philosopher, a freaking train guru!

"Which station is this?" some dude asked, his voice as loud as a train horn. I rolled my eyes. "Pune," I said, trying to be polite. He stared out the window like an idiot, confirming what I'd already told him. Ugh, people. They're the worst. It's not that I hate people, but some people, like this guy, just grate on my nerves. As the train let out a long, mournful horn, he settled back into his seat, oblivious to my irritation. Slowly the lit full surrounding turned dark, literally nothing to do.

I pulled out my phone, the screen glowing 3:40 PM. Yet four more hours remaining. Well to let you know I had this weird habit of documenting my life, from random thoughts to screenshots of old chats with my ex. It was like a digital diary, a record of my highs and lows by sending it to myself on WhatsApp. No papers, no diaries, no reminders. Just pull out your phone and type down your thoughts. Maybe I am getting addicted to this.

I texted myself

The world is round. We step out of our homes, only to return, but somehow changed.

Maybe it's a new us, or a new world around us.

Maybe I'm searching for a new me in a new world. I was still feeling a little sleepy, feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. Six hours? Seriously? It felt like I'd blinked and missed half a day. This train was slower than a snail on a lazy Sunday. The train wasn't slow, but my excitement was faster. Yesterday, at this exact time, I was wide awake, tossing and turning. But today, on this train, I slept for six hours straight. I pulled out my phone again. 4:20 AM. Three more hours of this torture. I started scrolling through Instagram, then Twitter, then back to Instagram. Nothing interesting. Just the same old crap. I mean, seriously, what's the point of social media? It's just a bunch of people pretending to have perfect lives. I close my phone. I wondered what my life would be like in five years. Would I be married? Have kids? A job I hate? Or maybe I'd be a famous storyteller, traveling the world. I laughed at the thought. Yeah, right. More likely I'd still be stuck in this boring 9-to-5 job, dreaming of a better life.

I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but my mind was racing. Thoughts about my life, my job, my love life (or lack thereof) were still going on. I'm pretty sure I'm the most average guy on the planet. I mean, I'm not smart enough to be an engineer, not creative enough to be an artist, and definitely not handsome enough to be a model. I sighed and opened my phone again. I started scrolling through memes. A few laughs later, I felt a little better. Maybe this train journey isn't so bad after all. As the train chugged along, I couldn't help but wonder what the future holds. Will I ever achieve my dreams? Or will I just end up as a middle-aged man, stuck in a dead-end job? I was just getting this vibes that was more similar to my dark room, depressing.

I sighed and opened my phone. What else was there to do? My phone buzzed again with a notice on a photo. "A year ago today..." A picture of Tania, my ex. Damn it. I miss her, man. I miss her laugh, her smile, everything about her. I scrolled through our messages. The good times, the bad times, the dumb fights. Hard to believe it had been six months already. Felt like just yesterday we were laughing, fighting, and making plans for the future. And here I was, alone on a train, reliving all that rubbish. I closed my eyes. Try to imagine what she might be doing at this moment. Is she happy? Has she someone else now? Please, please, please be happy. But then a part of me wishes she was wretched like me. I looked out of the window. The wind was slow like my mood. I was a loser. A total, complete loser.

I jolted back into reality, having bumped into a man sitting next to me, that fat one with a Fevicol Drum, obviously been his Private Seat. "Sorry", I muttered, feeling embarrassed. He just smiled and said, "No worries, kid. We've all been there." His words hit me like a ton of bricks. Perhaps I wasn't so alone after all. Everyone, at some point, feels lost and uncertain about the future. "Hey, can you scooch over a bit? I've been standing since forever," a voice interrupted my gloomy thoughts. It was that helping guy with a buzz cut, judging by his backpack with a not so local accent. I sighed and shifted over. I mean, what else was I supposed to do? I wasn't exactly enjoying the standing room-only concert either. "And for the help he was offering from so far, I can surely help him anyway," I thought to myself.

Noticing his accent, I couldn't help but ask him, "You don't seem to be around here."

He looked at me and a broad grin spread across his face. "Yeah, I'm from Gujarat. Here for the Army Selection Camp."

Visiting him, looking at his physic, and obviously his behavior, it was quite sure that he might have passed it. "No doubt, you must have aced it," I told him, curiosity evident on my face.

He just smiled, "Nope, I actually failed the medical test."

I was taken aback. "Seriously? You, medically unfit? That's surprising!"

He just shrugged it off, his smile unchanged. "Yeah color blindness they say."

I felt a twinge of pity for him; it was next to impossible not to ask, "Didn't it get to you? I mean, you look so alive! I don't think you were so serious about it." As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I wished them back. What an idiotic thing to say! I had just insulted his dreams.

His cheerful tone turned serious. "Actually, I've been working hard for the last seven months for this day. But, unfortunately, I couldn't clear the medical test due to color blindness."

I grinned," Oh, so that's your secret, huh? You just don't let it get to you. "

He laughed at me, "No, it actually gets to me. I think about it a lot, but I just don't show it to anyone. At the end of the day, I'm the only one who has to deal with it."

"Damn, that guy," I muttered to myself. "He failed the army medical test and he's still smiling? What the hell? What's going on inside that guy's head?" I couldn't fathom how someone could be so positive after such a setback. It was like he'd won the lottery, not lost it. Maybe he was just good at hiding his pain. Or maybe he was just plain crazy. I gazed out the window lost in thought. Oh, beautiful lonely moon. Just like me. Huh? Me, the moon? What am I doing? Snap out of it! I turned my head toward the girl on the upper berth. She was sleeping like an angel. Damn, she was cute. I couldn't help but notice how beautiful she was. I mean, who wouldn't? I just feel to exchange some words with her, maybe just an intro. What if she is actually interested in me, waiting for my icebreaker. Then I realized what was I doing? The thing was that I was on a train, and surrounded by people I did not know, and I was fantasizing about some girl. And this for the second time!

I began scrolling through social media from my phone, but nothing could take away my mind to this. I was restless, nervous and lonely, and I just wanted to move away from reality.