Before Descended Afternoons

04

Naïve

I didn't think being here would only further remind me of how insufficient and incapable I truly am in so many aspects of life. It feels as though my shortcomings are being shoved into my face, and I'm struggling to accept that reality.

I detest the thought of others living their best lives. Yes, I know it's toxic, but I suppose it's only human to feel that way. I can't help but be envious of the way they embrace life so effortlessly, as if everything falls into place for them. I could try to suppress these feelings, force myself to stop, but I know that doing so would only let the bitterness fester deeper inside me. The truth is, no matter how hard I try to avoid it, I'm confronted by the likelihood that I may never experience the kind of fulfillment I see in others.

The more I resist, the more the truth stings: that maybe, just maybe, a life of real contentment is slipping further and further away from my grasp.

The days went by quickly. I was starting to get used to seeing Jere's parents around Auntie's house. They were close, like family friends. What could I do? It wasn't my house to complain about. And to be fair, they were nice. I couldn’t really say anything bad about them.

It was early in the morning, and I was still groggy, rubbing my eyes as I walked down the stairs. In the living room, I saw a kid playing with his toys scattered all over the floor.

I blinked a few times to wake myself up, thinking I might still be dreaming. What was a kid doing here?

"Good morning."

I turned and saw Jere standing there. "What are you doing here?" I asked, glancing back at the kid. They looked a lot alike.

"Grabe, wala man lang good morning? What are you doing here agad?"

I ignored his comment and ran a hand through my hair, fixing it as I watched the kid stuff a biscuit into a toy car.

"Hindi kayo umuwi kagabi?" I asked instead.

"Oo. Kami lang naiwan. Nakatulog kasi itong kapatid ko, kailangan kong samahan."

Their parents had a little dinner last night here with uncle and auntie. Then they started drinking, I think. That's the last time I saw what's happening here downstairs before I locked myself up in my room. I didn't know Jere and his brother came afterwards.

Tumango na lang ako. I headed to the kitchen, rummaging through the cupboard until I found a box of cereal. I poured myself a bowl with some milk. Since Manang wasn’t here today, I had to take care of my own breakfast. Auntie and Uncle both had work, so I figured I'd be alone all day.

"What?" I asked, noticing him still standing there at the doorway, looking lost.

"Gusto mong gumala?"

"No."

He chuckled, and I raised an eyebrow at him. What was so funny?

"Tignan mo." He showed me his phone, and I squinted at the screen. It was a message from Auntie, telling him to take me to their house since I'd be alone and no one would be around to cook for me. She was at it again—trying to push us to hang out.

"Just ignore that. I can manage." I shrugged, already planning to survive on a sandwich and orange juice for lunch.

I knew how to cook; I just didn’t feel like it. I wasn’t in the mood, and I figured one day without rice wouldn’t kill me.

He put his phone away and crossed his arms. "Pero kailangan mo talaga sumama. Pinapasama ka ni mama, eh."

"Why?"