Hold Me Tight

9

The penmanship, the red sticky note, and the nickname.

Mas lalo lang akong naguguluhan, is this a hint? Paano niya naman nalaman na fine arts student ako? At bakit siya nagso-sorry sa 'kin?

"Reighner!" napalingon agad ako nang may tumawag sa pangalan 'ko—it was Shadyn with his boyfriend. I don't know how to react or what to say to him after what happened with Toby. It's not entirely his fault, but he gave Toby mixed signals which made him partly to blame as well.

"Shad, hi..." sabi 'ko at tipid na ngumiti kahit na parang wala na akong lakas para magpanggap.

"We were looking for Toby's painting, hindi kasi namin mahanap. And ang ganda ng painting mo!" sabi niya. His voice sounder genuinely happy, nasa likod niya si Preston, tahimik lang at kung saan-saan din tumitingin ang mga mata.

"He didn't submit his work," seryuso 'kong sabi, trying not give away to much. I saw Shadyn's eyes widen, napatingin din si Preston. "How come? Excited pa nga siyang tapusin yun para madisplay rito?" he exclaimed. Hindi 'ko alam kung sasabihin 'ko ba sa kanya o hindi, baka ayaw pang ipaalam ni Toby sa kanya. Baka ano ring isipin ni Preston.

"Emergency happens, Shad."

That's the last thing I said before taking my leave. He didn't even bother to ask more. Tangina, Toby was hurting, and yet Shadyn's out here, smiling and enjoying life with his boyfriend like nothing happened. I don't hate him. I don't. Pero hindi 'ko kayang patahimikin ang galit 'ko—hindi sa kanya, pero sa ginawa niya kay Toby. My best friend didn't deserve to feel that way.

As I walked further, naiisip 'ko lang lalo kung gaano kahirap ang pinagdaanan ni Toby. And the sticky note? May sorry na nakasulat ro'n, parang mas lalo lang akong nalilito kung ano ang pinupunto nito. I felt the weight of ill settle on my chest—Toby's struggles, Shadyn's obliviousness, and my own guilt for not being able to help my best friend sooner.

But just as I was about to exit the gallery, Preston's voice suddenly stopped me.

"Reighner, wait."

I froze for a second before turning around. Preston stepped forward, his eyes are looking at me seriously, as if reading through me. "I don't think that's the full story," he said softly. "But if you're hiding something, you should at least let Shadyn know. You know how much he cares."

I didn't answer. I just turned and left, my chest tightened even more. If Shadyn really cared, why didn't he notice the signs? Why didn't he notice Toby breaking apart?

The sun is almost setting, pumunta nalang ako sa bench na laging tambayan namin ni Toby. I just want to refresh my mind kasi ang daming nangyari ngayong araw. Pagdating 'ko sa may puno malapit sa bench, nandoon siya, si Sixto. Naka-slouch ang likod at abalang kinakalikot ang gitara niya. Lumapit ako roon at umupo sa tabi niya nang walang imik.

"Hey," bati 'ko, halos pabulong.

Napalingon siya, he was startled but he smiled. "Hey, akala 'ko walang tao rito ngayon."

"Dapat nga wala," sagot 'ko habang naupo sa kabilang dulo ng bench, making sure that there's still a distance between us.

Narinig 'ko ang mahinang tawa niya. "So, I'm not welcome here?"

Umiling ako. "It's not like that. Dito kasi yung tambayan namin ni Toby." Tinuro 'ko ang bench gamit ang ulo 'ko. "Pero mukhang ikaw na ang bagong tenant."

"Tenant?" tanong niya, may halong biro sa tono. "Ikaw kaya ang umuupo, so ikaw ang bisita ngayon."

Napailing ako, pero hindi 'ko napigilang ngumiti nang bahagya. Tahimik kaming dalawa sandali. Pero hindi awkward yung katahimikan. Sa totoo lang, masyado na nga akong komportable na nakalimutan 'ko na yung tungkol sa issue.

"Ang tahimik mo," biglang sabi niya, breaking the silence. "Are you thinking about something?"

Napabuntong-hininga ako. Nakatitig lang ako sa basag na simento sa harap namin. "Medyo."

"Wanna share? tanong niya, may halong curiosity at concern.

Napatingin ako sa kanya. I was hesitating, pero parang hirap tumanggi. "It's about Toby."

"Toby?" Bumaling siya sa 'kin, halatang interesado na ngayon. "Anong meron?"

Pinaglaruan 'ko ang manggas ng sweater 'ko, sinusubukang ayusin ang sasabihin 'ko. "He likes someone. Si Shadyn."

"Shadyn?" ulit niya, halatang gulat na gulat.

It felt so weird. What if mag-isip siya ng kung ano-ano? Boyfriend pa naman ng kaibigan niya si Shadyn.

"Oo," sagot 'ko. "Matagal niya nang gusto si Shadyn. Pero ewan... Parang pinaglaruan niya lang ata si Toby e."

"How?" tanong niya ulit.

"Toby, Shadyn, and I were friends for a long time. Sabi ni Toby sa 'kin, habang tumatatagal, hindi na kaibigan ang tingin niya kay Shadyn," kwento 'ko. He was just listening to me.

"Lagi silang nagde-date, hindi na nga ako sumasama para magkaroon sila ng time na magkapag-usap. Kaso torpe si Toby, hindi 'ko rin naman siya masisisi. May mga pagkakataon na nagpapakita rin ng motibo si Shadyn na gusto niya rin si Toby, but he wasn't serious."

Tumahimik ako saglit, hinintay 'kong may sabihin siya bago ako magsalita ulit, pero hindi siya nagsalita kaya nagpatuloy nalang ako.

"Is that true? I didn't know about that, but Shadyn once mentioned Toby to me. I didn't know that there was something going on between them. Preston and Shadyn are always together."

"I know. Ang galing magtago ni Toby, 'no? I could clearly see how much he was struggling and how hurt he was."

He looked at me. "Shadyn's one of my closest friends, but it's unfair, especially for Toby."

Tumahimik kaming dalawa ulit, at naramdaman 'kong parang pinapanood niya ako. Again, he broke the silence.

"And you?" tanong niya, his voice softened. "How are you? Are you... okay?"

Napalingon ako sa kanya, nagulat sa tanong. "Ako."

"Oo, ikaw," sabi niya. "You're carrying this for Toby, pero paano ka?"

Hindi ako nakapagsalita agad. Napatingin ako sa kanya, at parang naramdaman 'kong nakita niya lahat ng iniisip 'ko—lahat ng bagay na hindi 'ko sinasabi kahit kanino.

"I don't know," bulong 'ko, halos basag ang boses. "Hindi 'ko alam kung anong dapat 'kong maramdaman."

Ang dami 'kong iniisip. Si Toby, yung issue, at sumabay pa yung palaging nagbibigay ng flowers.

Parang ang bigat ng hangin sa pagitan namin, but I could feel his sincerity. Umusog siya nang bahagya, moving himself closer to me.

"Hey," sabi niya nang malumanay, parang inaalo ako. "You don't have to figure it out alone."

Napatingin ako sa kanya, nagulat ako sa lambing ng boses niya. "Bakit ang bait mo sa 'kin?"

Sixto chuckled, pero may kakaibang init sa tawa niya. "Maybe I like you too."

Napahinto ako, ramdam ang paninigas ng katawan 'ko. Pero bago 'ko pa ma-process ang sinabi niya, natawa ulit siya.

"Joke lang," sabi niya, pero sa tono ng boses niya, parang may ibang meaning ang mga salitang yun.

And for a few seconds, I wondered. Was it really a joke?

"Six, thank you," sabi 'ko sa kanya. Then, he smiled at me.

"Anytime," sagot niya, his voice almost teasing. "It's part of my tenant duties."

Napangiti ako nang bahagya. And for the first time that day, the weight in my chest didn't feel as heavy. For the first time, I was able to forget everything that had been bothering my mind.