Relentless (phan)

Knowing

I take ginger steps through the landing of Freya's house. Her parents are sleeping, so I try my best not to make a sound. If they caught me, I'd be dead for sure. The floor creaks as I lose my balance on the stairs. Before I leave, I catch sight of myself in the mirror by her front door.
My plain, fading blue black hair is slightly ruffled, but I straighten it down with my hands. My clothes are slightly creased, because they were crumpled up in the corner of her room. I open the door in silence, creep out and shut it.
Every time I am dragged into her house in the dark, my heart drops. It's not what I want. The texture of a girl's hair and her floral perfume doesn't appeal to me. But what I want is completely forbidden. In the year of 2009, any form of homosexuality is punishable under death. And I've known this all of my life, that liking boys is bad.
"But mummy," I'd say, sitting at the table with my parents. "how come girls can like boys?"
They gave me an explanation, how only boys can like girls and vice versa, and anything else was a sin. A few years after that, I started to feel something around boys. It was wrong, I knew it was wrong, but I just couldn't help it. How I felt made me feel sick to the stomach.
I found no one to confide in, besides my friend Piper, a girl with mousy hair and glasses. She told me a long time ago that she didn't like boys, so in return I decided to tell her this.
"H-hey, Piper," I said when I saw her in the playground that day. She smiled, pearly teeth glimmering.
"Phil? What's wrong?" she replied. "Are you okay?" she mouthed. I shook my head.
Tears were on the brink from falling down my face. "I-I think I m-might be g-g-"
"Gay?" she whispered. I nodded tears spilling over my cheeks. She smiled and pulled me into a hug. "I guess that's two of us."

I'm always home late, my parents know this. They don't care what goes on, as long as it's with a girl. This generation was brought up, knowing that any attraction towards the sex you were born as is wrong.
Even transgenders have to be with the opposite sex to what they changed to. Asexuals and demis have no choice but to sit in loneliness. I suppose it's good for them, because they don't deal with the hassle of loving the opposite sex- they have no attraction for anyone.
At seventeen years old, it's extremely hard, trying to fit in with society, and with a 'disorder' like homosexuality, it's even worse. There's no choice for me but to go around girl after girl, giving them my fake love, then leaving them in the gutter.
They call me a snake, having sex with so many girls. It's my only choice, fake it till you make it, as they say. Only Piper knows my true sexuality, as I do hers, so she is my only friend.
I say goodnight to my parents, then grab a pot noodle from the pantry and heat it up (a/n: idk i haven't had any so you know) then make my way to the bathroom. I scrub at my neck, removing the excess of Freya's lipstick. I feel dirty, doing this with different girls every week. As I say, it's my only choice.
I change into my pyjamas and open the duvet, wanting to do nothing but sleep. On nights like this, it never happens. I think about my life- am I really worthy of doing this? Would I be better off dead? Would anyone miss me? I have thought enough times, yet every time it never happens. Am I too scared? I never know. Yet I always manage to stick it out until the morning.

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So I wrote another fanfiction which may be more eventful than My Rock... Please give that a read, too <3 Thanks for your support, both are ongoing stories <3