Lahat na lang sila bakla.
Pinagmasdan ko ang aking repleksyon sa basong hawak. I emptied the glass in one swift motion, my throat burning slightly as I placed it back down on the table. Muli ko rin naman iyong dinampot upang silipin na naman ang repleksyon ko. My green eyes stared back at me, glowing even in the dim light. My platinum blonde hair fell in perfect waves around my face, framing the lips and nose na minana ko sa mommy ko—full, soft lips and a straight, elegant nose. Every detail of me was so fucking beautiful. Hindi ako gandang ganda lang sa sarili ko, iyon ang totoo. Alam ko because I'd been scouted, stopped in the street more times than I could count. Modeling offers flooded in, but I turned them down every time. Hindi ko gustong mag modelo. I didn't want to follow in my sister's footsteps. Magiging miserable ako kung gagawin ko iyon dahil lang iyon ang gusto ni Mommy.
But here I was, living through another version of misery I didn't expect. Hindi naging sapat ang kagandahang taglay ko, hindi sapat na marami ang nagkakagusto sa akin, hindi sapat na mayaman ako. Hindi ako sapat dahil para aba akong may sumpa. Why did it seem like every man I attracted was... gay?
Lahat na lang talaga ay bakla! Wala naman akong problema sa mga bakla. I could be friends with them naman... Pero bakit naman ganoon? Lahat na lang ng magugustuhan ko ay bakla! Kaunti na lang ay iisipin ko na talagang sumpa na ito.
I looked at myself in the glass again, this time searching for the cracks. There had to be something wrong with me, right? Naalala ko na naman ang mga ex-boyfriend ko noong college ako. Dalawa sila, parehong bakla. Both used me as their perfect cover, their ideal mask to hide behind. It stung at the time, but it wasn't like I had fallen for either of them. Bata pa ako noon, eh. I was young, naive, and they were charming, sweet. But still, it was humiliating when I found out the truth. Nagmukha kasi akong tanga. Iyong isa nahuli kong may kahalikan na ibang lalaki. The other broke down and confessed, tears streaming down his face, begging for my forgiveness. I could forgive them. We were just kids then. Inisip ko na lang na hindi rin naman nila siguro sinasadyang saktan at gamitin lang ako. Baka hindi rin nila hustong naisip ang epekto ng mga ginawa nila noong mga panahon na iyon.
But this? This was different. I wasn't a kid anymore. And I'd thought he wasn't either. Lahat ng galit na kinikimkim ko ay muli na namang umahon sa aking dibdib. My fiancé. The one I thought was different. I actually loved him. I gave him everything, believed in him, believed in us. And now? Now, I find out he's gay too.
I should've seen it. There were signs. Of course, there were signs. Pero mahal ko, eh. O mas tamang sabihin na inisip kong mahal ko dahil gusto kong siya na kaya pinili kong pumikit nang husto na akong binubulag ng mga senyales na iyon. Archie barely kissed me unless he absolutely had to. No spark. No passion. He'd touch me, but it was mechanical, obligatory. And sex? Forget it. He never even tried, not once, like the very idea repulsed him. I should've known, but I let myself believe that maybe he was just shy. Or maybe he was just traditional, waiting for marriage. How stupid.
Nasasaktan ako pero alam ko naman na wala rin akong ibang dapat sisihin sa pinagdadaanan ko kundi ang sarili ko. At syempre, ang bakla kong fiancé. Deep down, I knew. Even when he proposed, I knew. I was so desperate for it to be him. I wanted him to be the one so badly that I ignored every red flag. I said yes. I convinced myself that everything would change once we were married. That he'd open up, that things would get better. Putcha. Bakit kasi bakla siya?
I raised my hand, signaling the bartender. "Another bottle of Dom Pérignon,"
Agad naman itong tumalima upang kunin ang order ko.
I leaned back, staring blankly at the flickering light before me. How the hell was I going to tell my parents that the wedding was off? They'd been over the moon about Archie. Lalo na si Mommy. He was perfect on paper—successful, polished, from an English royal family. The kind of man every girl was supposed to dream of marrying. Except, of course, for the fact that he was gay. A detail they didn't know yet.
