Stuck with the enemy

Chapter 35: I Hate You

I stepped inside her room, and for a moment, I couldn't move. She looked so small on that bed, so fragile. Her golden hair spilled across the pillow, strands catching the faint light streaming through the window. Her lips were pale, her chest rising and falling in uneven breaths. This wasn't her. I've never seen her so weak.

My heart twisted.

I didn't know if I should move closer. What right did I have to even be here? But my feet betrayed me, dragging me forward until I was at her bedside. I knelt down beside her, unable to stop myself, and reached out with a hand I couldn't steady.

Her forehead was burning.

The heat of her fever scorched my palm, and I recoiled, almost as if it physically hurt me. For a moment, all I could do was stare at her, my heart pounding so hard it felt like it would break free of my chest.

I leaned down, closer to her, and whispered, "Deniz..." My voice cracked, and the silence of the room swallowed it.

I didn't know what to say. How do you speak to someone who's asleep, who might not even hear you? How do you tell them the things you're too much of a coward to say when they're awake?

"I was the last thing you needed in your life. I can't be your bandage, Deniz. I told you that, didn't I? I only open bigger wounds."

I let out a shaky breath, closing my eyes for a moment before looking at her again.

"But I guess I didn't surprise you. You knew I would not be the one to save you, didn't you?" My voice cracked, but I forced myself to keep talking, even if it felt like the words would break me.

"And if you ask me why I came here..." My throat tightened, and I swallowed hard.

"It's because you've stayed in my head. Stubborn, just like you are. You won't leave my thoughts, Deniz. You've been there, every damn second, and I hate it. But even if I hate it..."

I leaned closer, my voice softening, filled with a kind of desperation I couldn't hold back.

"You have to be okay. Do you hear me? Be okay, Deniz. Even without me. Especially without me. Be okay. Because if something happens to you..." I choked on the words, barely able to get them out. "If something happens to you, Deniz, I'll be furious. I'll lose it. Do you hear me? So don't you dare let anything happen to you."

The silence in the room pressed against me, but I didn't stop. I couldn't stop.

"I don't know what this is," I whispered, my voice almost breaking. "This... strange thing you make me feel. I don't recognize it. I don't want to recognize it. You're a question without an answer, Deniz. And you exhaust me."

Unable to stop myself, I leaned down and kissed her forehead. It wasn't planned. It wasn't a decision. It was instinct. I needed her to feel it, to know it, even if she'd never understand what I couldn't say.

Her eyes fluttered open.

For a moment, I froze, my heart stopping as she looked at me, her gaze weak and unfocused.

"Derek?" she whispered, her voice barely audible.

"Say something," I murmured, leaning closer, my voice trembling. "Say anything."

She blinked slowly, her lips parting just enough for her to speak. Her voice was faint, drained, but her words cut through me like a knife.

"I hate you."

And then, just like that, her eyes closed again, her body falling back into sleep.

The air left my lungs, but I didn't move. I stayed there, holding her hand, the warmth of her fever seeping into my skin.