Here & now with you

Chapter 2

There is a grave difference between what we want to do and then what we end up doing. The gap was quite disturbing for me. Unlike before, when I hadn’t been a rebel, today felt like the worst of the nights. The lighting, the food, the dresses, even my friends couldn’t rejoice me. I was a lost cause. I did not want this. The closer I got to the end of the waiting moment, the more I realized that I was not meant for this. For any of this. This was not me or something that I wanted. This contract, this promise, this knowledge that for the rest of my life, I had to live for this one person. It was too normal for me.

Although, I always craved the ordinary, today I felt like I wanted to be freed. Freed from smiling my cheeks to the epitome of pain. Freed from having to small talk to people who I didn’t know or liked. I wanted to be free from the love of my life. I remembered a quote, “You don’t cage the one you love.” I looked at my father, he was receiving pleasantries. I wanted to be his pride, not the reason for his shame. But is pride virtuous? Is any of this worth what I am suffering from? If he indeed loved me, wouldn’t he care about my happiness? At that moment I decided something.

Ever since I was born, I was unable in making decisions. I blamed this on the stars. As I was a libra and therefore weighed the options for too long to come at a decision. I lost many opportunities because of this. And it still contributed to a lot of my problems. But today, perhaps for the first time, I made a decision. A decision to end today’s occasion with dignity as a sought to propriety and never get married. She made a decision to convince her parents that she did not want to get married, maybe never. If they are not convinced then run away. I was smiling from ear to ear while walking down the aisle at the end of which my groom-to-be was standing. He was trying not to gape but I know I looked beautiful with my curly open hair on my dusky skin while my slender hands rested on my saree. I would gape if I looked at myself right now. He was a handsome man I just realized. He even lost some weight, I think. And he was standing upright, I looked down and pretended to be coy. I don’t know where it came from, I smirked at the ‘shy’ kinds, and now I was behaving like one, without any reason.

I reached the altar and looked straight into his eyes. They were confused, I guess. Quite like mine. Deep-set dark eyes which could ensnare anyone, if it not were for the sneer on his mouth. My sister gave me his ring, I waited until he donned me mine, it was a diamond. Cliché. I hate diamond. I gave him his. It was gold. I did not choose it, my mother did. And the thing was done. Flowers were thrown on us. I felt like someone important for the moment. I looked at my father, he was busy in his phone. My mother was telling my sister to call someone from the back. I looked at him. It was clear at that moment. I had to run away.

You know what it’s like being blessed by the god? Neither do I.