Here & now with you

Chapter 1

I heard stories of women who were married here, I heard of stories who married outside. It was more or less the same. Here’s what happened for all of them including me,

“Isn’t she too dark to be his match? The pair won’t look good.”

“Isn’t she too thin? Bearing children would become difficult.”

“Isn’t she too direct? Too outrageous? Too bold? Too docile? too educated?”

I knew all this went around. Even if I was not a part of it. This went around for everyone and by everyone. Nobody asks what the girl wants. After the guests left, I changed into my normal attire, pajama shorts and a t-shirt. And sat on the balcony to look at the moon. It was the night. Always the nights which healed me. I don’t know for what reason. They seemed too quiet, too mysterious, too condescending. A bit like me.

My mother was not fond of me. Ever. She wanted a boy. She still wants a boy. Even though she knows its wrong. Maybe my father also wanted a boy but never had the gall to admit it. Mothers, though always without fail want a boy. They don’t want to witness the suffering again through their daughters. The fear, the tension and the burden of being a girl was too hard to bear for an eternity. I never wanted to be a guy, though. I was happy in my skin and I liked being a girl. I liked that I could wear different colors and clothes, I liked that I had the choice to grow or cut my hair. I loved that I had the power to bear life, even though I clearly not wanted to. But it was good to have a choice. Being a girl was not difficult, as much as being in the society. They made you regret for whatever you chose yourself to be. It was twisted like that. I think about the guy who asked my hand. Did he know me? What was his criteria of narrowing it down to me? Maybe he was just shooting his shot, among all the eligible girls in Hastinapur. I think about the most famous woman who was married here. Draupadi. What she had to go through because she was a wife and a player in the hands of destiny. I think about where my fate will land me up.

The night was dark. As dark as required for beauty to feign existence. The four bangles in my hand clanged to conclusion when I rested as “ready” for the occasion. The engagement was sought to be among family only. No matter if that family consisted of 176 people. It was all fine. It had to be fine. What other way was a parent supposed to get his daughter married? My father had asked me when I frowned about the number of guests attending. I had donned the yellow silk sent by the groom. The jewelry was a mix of my favorites. Yellow and white gold. Everything was almost perfect, except my heart. It was corrupt as always. In this chaos, it craved for someone else. Someone other than the 176 people in my waiting. I wanted to run.