The songs I'll Never Sing

I dont think I'm okay

I had therapy today. My second session with my new therapist. When I left my last therapist I was in the middle of intense trauma therapy. My last session was the day he got out. Shit timing on my part, but in my defence, he was like 5 months early.

But anyways, at therapy, my first session I spent my hour talking about my childhood, my relationship with my parents, siblings, friends. I avoided anything about him and it went well. But this session she wanted to continue where I left off, and so I spent the whole hour talking about him. From the beginning, being stupid teenagers in love, to the end where he broke me to pieces. It brought up so many conflicting feelings.

My therapist CRIED with me. I sat there halfway through and started crying as I told her our story and she sat there listening intently as my voice trembled, my face was red in embarrassment as I cried, but I managed to get in the spark notes version to her and when I looked back she looked like she wanted to hug me through the phone. I got small at the end of the story when she told me that she doesn't believe he used my  headspace to prey on me for gross reasons. I felt myself slip and cry as she comforted me and I felt the little heart in my chest ache, feeling like it was blocking my air. She thanked me for being vulnerable and kept telling me none of it was my fault, but it's all making me overthink everything.

I'm overwhelmed, I start my meds tomorrow, the ones my OB gave me to force my period have been making me so emotional, but my skin has been looking good. I'm trying to not loathe my body..

I've been talking to my brother more which is nice, I can't believe he is in his first semester of college already.. or that he is nearly a foot taller than me now. I wish I could go home and see Dad and my siblings. I miss them but the idea of going back there.. it is too much for me.

Lately I've been forcing myself into little space a couple times a week since he got out, because I've been forcing her down so I don't have to deal with the anxiety. I don't like dealing with all her questions or seeing her heartbroken face when her mind wanders. I've been numbed out mentally or hyper emotional. I just want to heal. I know I've come a long way, I'm doing good... But healing isn't linear. My bad days don't take away from my good ones. It's been 7 years.. God. I should be better by now. I think this pain, will stick with me all my life.. I don't think it hurts less than it did the night it happened. I think I just grow around the grief. I grow around the agony in my chest. The nights i wake up bawling are further apart but the impact is the same.

Hard time sleeping. Dissociation. Avoiding little space. And when I do get little I gravitate towards Mr. Panda who hasn't been my main bed stuffie in years. When I hold him I cry, I feel like that little girl again, devastated and scared.

I hated her for a long time.. I thought she was weak.. so weak for clinging on. But when I look back I hate myself for not protecting that little girl. She was so strong, holding on Even when it felt like it would kill her. She suffered so much before I shut her out. Locked her up so she couldn't heal. I suffocated her in isolation. She deserved love and safety from me and I abandoned her like everyone else. I'm the one who was weak. Now I see her differently as I heal. She is so much fucking stronger than me.

I admire her, no matter how badly she hurts, when I let her, she is out often, coloring, watching bluey and she is soft. And sweet. And sassy and silly. She is loyal and curious. Oh so sensitive but so strong. She still cries when people call her by her birth name because it makes her remember everything. I talked to old little friends a while back and they called me my old nickname and I cried feeling so overwhelmed with my feelings...

I. I want to get out how I feel but I can't. I wish he knew how badly he.. no I don't want him to feel how he made me feel. I want to hate him but I can't. I still even now wish him the best. Even when my chest aches and my throat is tight. I hate when he comes into my dreams. I knew him so well that it's so fucking accurate it is exhausting. Those nights I wake up feeling like I got no sleep at all. To this day that's still the worst pain I've ever felt, and I relive it all the time. I was diagnosed with PTSD officially.

But I started writing again. My trauma got so bad that I can't see images in my head anymore. I used to daydream for hours, my imagination was so vivid and now all I see is black. It took me years to start reading and writing again. It helps. I'm working on three different stories. I listen to music while I write and it helps me pour all my feelings into my writing.  I hope one day to get published but we will see.

Today is a bad day but it's not a bad life. I'm happy most of the time. I'm taken care of. Loved. Oh I've never been so loved.. I'm thankful everyday for my family, and the support they give me. I just wish I didn't have to hold onto the pain. I wish I could let go, forgive and move on. But forgiveness takes strength and I don't think I'm there yet..

My turn pease and fank you.

My daddy took me to build a bear over the weekend and I got a bluey and a bingo. I was so cited. Obviously bingo is my favorite because she is orange but also she has crinkley bits in her and I love her so much. Mr. Panda likes her a lot, Rhorey and Reuben do toos.

I been listening to a lot of music today. My therapist is nice and made me feel validated, and she got excited about my new stuffies with me. I'm gonna write some later. I miss writing just my words. But I also love creating my characters. Dominik is my favorite. He is so fun to write from his pov.

My kid and I are doing a TVD and originals rewatch and it's so nostalgic, I love that he loves it as much as me. I made him a cake yesterday for his birthday, can't believe he is already 15 now. We have been doing a lot better the last couple months and I'm grateful.

Indie is being crazy, it makes me smile when she is running around all crazy and she gets those crazy eyes, running around with gussy. It reminds me of Bo and cricket merged into one and how Gus was with them both. I noticed on her merle side she has a brown eyebrow patch and it makes me think of my first boy. I hope he is doing well, I bet he was so excited to see him again. He always loved him so much.

I feel sad again so I wanna stop talking about that. My childhood best friend is pregnant. 5 months, a little girl. I cried a lot, but I'm happy for her. She's going to be a good mom. I know she never wanted kids but I'm adjusting and she is happy so I'm happy. I'll get there one day.

My brain is getting tired, so I'm gonna go listen to Spotify and breathe for a few minutes and then I'll probably write. Focus on someone else's emotions instead of mine.

This felt good to write here again, nostalgic and healing. So maybe I'll write here again but I dunno.