The songs I'll Never Sing

Ocean Eyes

I once kissed a boy so broken I could taste the heartache on his tongue. The flavor of his agony and desperation mingled bittersweetly, with the slight metallic tang of blood. I sliced myself on his shattered pieces, shards of a soul so fractured that they tore deeper into me the more I pushed. Yet, I didn't care what happened to me in that process. I was so desperate to save him from himself, to mend the cracks and fuse the fragments of his heart together. I would do anything I had to do in order to make him whole again. In the depths of his darkness, I had seen the faintest glimmer of light, one that most people would have probably overlooked; the spark that drew me in threatened to set my world ablaze. I was a moth and he was a flame, I was entranced, I knew he could kill me, but I couldn't control myself. I was playing a dangerous game, dancing with the devil, tip-toeing the line between life and death, the temptation was too much.

His lips murmured silent promises of salvation, his eyes reflected the same demons that lived inside me. I clung to him in desperation, feeling like if I didn't hold on tight, I'd be drug down to hell.

What I didn't fully realize is I couldn't make it to heaven on th arms of this dark Angel. He kept me anchored to the ground. He deceived me with his pretty words as they fluttered from those honey sweet lips. I believed every lie, defended him to my near dying breath.

I held him so high, trying to keep him from pain as his pieces fell and cut up my feet while I carried him away from the danger he constantly rained down around me. Still I moved. The faster I tried to run him away from the suffering, the more he inflicted it upon me.  I just wanted to save him, but saving him damned me. I never wanted him to feel this pain I feel. But eventually the weight I carried was too heavy and I fell. Dropping him in the process, I let him fall into his demons with me. He was furious. He blamed me for his broken pieces littered around us when he was the one...He was the one who scattered them. He was the one who made me walk across them, carrying his weight. Forcing me onto them, harder and harder till I couldnt take another agonizing step. He shredded me every second and when I couldn't hold on anymore, blinded by the anguish... I finally allowed myself to let go. He cursed my character while I was laying in his bloody pieces, finally scattering my own amongst them. I sat there bleeding out while he said it was all my fault we both felt this way.

I cried every tear I had left for him. He was blind to what he had done to me. Could I blame him for that?Was that too on me for not speaking up more? For putting him so high up out of danger..? Maybe we wouldn't have both been hurt so badly had I forced him to walk by my side and shoulder half of the pain with me the whole journey. But I couldn't let him feel how badly I was hurting. I couldn't let him hold a fraction of my weight as my pieces broke around him. I would never do to him what he did to me, especially knowing how fucking badly it hurt. I sit in our scattered pieces, picking up mine as hastily as I could, but I think I left some in the process, maybe took a few of his by mistake, leaving us both never completely whole from knowing one another.

I thought the world of him before that moment, even after everything.. that's why it hurt so badly. I sometimes wonder if any of it was real.. but then I immediately cast it out of my mind. Because at least I know in my heart, for me, it was. You can't feel this catastrophic level of pain, without a deepest feeling of love. It was beautiful even if it was dark at times. He was the ocean that reflected in his eyes. The surface is beautiful and endless but when you dive deep.. you don't know what you'll find in the darkest depths. The things hidden under the surface could kill you. They almost killed me. But I remembered eventually, as I was drowning all alone, that I knew how to swim. The darkness at times was lovely, but if I stayed in it, it would consume me. So no matter how badly it hurt, I swam like my life depended on it, because it did.

The ocean always fascinated me, it was my obsession, but there was nothing I feared more than the hidden secrets it held. I won't let myself go in the ocean again. I won't jump the waves in California. The shimmering temptation will never reel me back in, because I will always protect that little girl who longs for the water. I will protect her, like I failed to protect her back then, for I know what fate will bring her if she gets too close again.